by Madara

I found out about my dad`s death yesterday. We had a date on Friday. Last time I saw him was Wednesday, when he passed me in his car, and we waved at each other. The next day - Thursday I called him and made a date on Friday to have dinner at 4 pm. He had amazing good mood and he was very happy, he was quite ill last week, but it was more like a flue, and he had started to feel much better. I promised him to bring him nice home made jam full with vitamin C. He was quite healthy, he did a lot of swimming and sports, and drunk a lot of fresh juices. He was 51 year old. On Friday I called him like 10 times, but he never picked up. I wasn't so worried, because I do not live with my father and we communicate normally once a week. He is quite busy with his own life, so sometimes it is not so weird if he decides to cancel or meeting, or just not call back. But this time it was different, because normally it is if he is in the middle of working week, or if he has some things to do abroad. So next morning - Saturday I called him again - like 10 times. No answer.
Sometimes his sister stays with him on weekends and she has a spare key to his apartment, so I called her, if maybe she knows something more about him. She was at the door, but couldn't get in, she kept calling him and she could hear through flats doors how phone is ringing, but there was no answer. She tried to open the doors with her spare key, but it was impossible, because doors were locked from inside. My dad knew that his sister comes on Saturdays, so on Fridays he never left the key inside the doors, so she could get in. She called me back and said she thinks something bad has happen and that we will have to break in.
I live quite close like 4 minute walk, I was going there and my heart was beating so hard, I kept repeating: please, please God, please that he would be drunk or something like that.... When I went there there were already men that tried to open the door. I still hear the horrible sound of hitting the doors while the man tried to open them. And then my fathers sister went inside, came out and said:''That's it, your dad is dead.'' I was in such a shock, She went to lied breaking in men to their car, when she came back we went inside. And there he was my big, tall father sitting in coach, tv still on, sitting with his laptop, just like he would have fallen asleep while sitting and doing some staff on his laptop. His dead bodies legs had turned purple already, His head was so peacefulness like he had just fallen asleep. He had some food also next to him, he probably had some late night snack or something... He just died! Just died! He did not have any heart failure, he was healthy, just 51 year old. He died on Thursday, he was there ALONE for almost 32 hours!!!!!!!!!!! ALONE and I was not there! No one was!!!!!!!!!!!!! We only recently started to have good relationships, we started to see each other at least once a week, for last three years... I just recently had my dad emotionally as well, and no I do not have him. I do not have him emotional, financial support. Nothing. Just shock and emptiness. He was my back, for a long time, he was not a perfect dad, not at all, but he was mine dad, he was mine dad. I am fucking too young to be without a dad, I am only 22, I wanted to still go and windsurf with him. Only recently I was grown up enough to understand how good and important he is in my life. I know he loves me and my sister incredibly much, but I am so sad that maybe I did not show my love enough. I wasn't the best daughter, I did not say how much I appreciated him enough often. I am still in shock, today is Sunday, and it hurts so much that I am getting this numb feeling, and then anger and then again PAIN, PAIN, PAIN.

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