Unless you walk the walk ~ Don't talk the talk

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Unless you walk the walk ~ Don't talk the talk

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Christmas ~ 2009

So I was visiting family and friends. With the holidays so close I've been feeling down. I thought being around my friends being they were close to my husband surely they would be a comfort.

That was not to be.... First I got the, Have you scheduled your grief like we last spoke of?

1. You can't schedule when your going to feel like you've been shattered into a million pieces and put it in a time slot.
I say the 21st of December will be 6 months, OMG I can't believe it. It felt like yesterday and yet a million years ago as tears threaten to fall.

2. Yes its been 6 months they say, and they have the look of I should be better and moving on in my life.
I say ~ yes 6 months are you all crazy? Am I crazy... Who put the time limits on????
I just don't understand, but then I know, their lives have moved on and so should I. I've cried as many tears as the rain that's been falling these last days. My heart has been shattered and they think crazy glue and a little "you'll get better" is the answer.

I've been mad for days. These were my closest and dearest friends. Friends he grew up with, 45 years. There concern and worried there's something really wrong. I just want to yell at them "Yes there is something wrong, Billy's gone and I miss him desperately". Life is not a neat little package ~

I heard a song today by Rascal Flatts called "While You Loved Me" and part of it said:
I was born the day you kissed me
I died inside the night you left me
But I lived, Oh How I lived
While you loved me

Yes we did love, I will always remember as the tears fall once more and my heart breaks ~

I wish they could understand...
But they don't ~ so, Unless you can walk the walk, Don't talk the talk to me...

I still wake in the morning surprised to find myself where I am, and then I remember, I'm in a different world, a world without Billy. Everybody is happy he's in a better place. I know he is but I'm just tired of hearing that same old line. I just miss him so much. If I could just have one more hug, a kiss or run my fingers through his hair just one more time ~ but I can't.

There'll never be a minute of the day I won't think of Him, my friend, my soul mate, my love ~ He was the only one who truly knew and understood me.

The heart wants what the heart wants ~
So I must endure and continue ~
Smile and talk the talk but I will be walking alone ~
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

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Unless you walk the walk ~ Don't talk the talk

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It amazes me.....
by: Jessica Herrmann

Oh how many times have I heard that? "he would want you to move on.." How do they know? it has been 19 months for me, my 2nd Christmas without him....yet when I have those horrible days when it hurts to breathe....I have someone tell me "you are wallowing in it, you need to let him go." How could they know what we had? the love? Every night before we would fall asleep, he would say to me "Rest well beautiful, I will see you in the morning." I don't hear those words anymore...I don't feel his touch, his kiss, I don't smell him anymore...

My counselor told me once....feel your pain, allow it to come, without it you will not heal. She was right, we have to feel this, we have to cry and scream and just have days were we get out of bed to go to the bathroom and then crawl back in....there is nothing wrong with it. We are allowing ourselves the time to heal, and if it takes months, years, it doest matter.... eventually we will learn again. Don't ever let anyone tell you what you should be feeling. They have no clue, we are all different. That is what makes us unique.

Know how you feel
by: Cindy

Patricia,

I know exactly how you feel. People just don't understand until they have experienced this terrible grief. I lost my husband just a little over a month ago and I am so lost without him. We were married for almost 35 years and it will never be the same life again. People can say to get over it, but that will never happen. This is something that will be with us for the rest of our lives.

We had a wonderful marriage and he blessed me with two beautiful children. He was my whole life, my soul mate. I miss him so very much and miss him laying next to me in bed. It is just not the same going to bed... it is so lonely. I just don't understand why we have to suffer such pain in our lives to lose our spouses. I get so angry at times asking why God had to take such a wonderful person away from me. He was so good to me.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and know that you are not alone in this grief.

Cindy

Yep...you've got that right....
by: cousin Shirl

Pat...no one understands our loss and don't let anyone pressure you or make you feel bad about how you handle your grief. "They" don't know.

It's funny...for years I've told my kids many stories about my sister Shawn. Her picture was always there and her bride doll was always sitting in my room. Each of my kids knew how horrible her death was to me.

Now they understand. They've now lost their brother and they "get" it. They are such a good support to me. It kills me that they had to learn about MY pain by losing their brother. I would have done anything to spare them this pain. It compounds the pain about losing my son to see my other children grieve.

Continue to grieve at your own speed cousin. One step, one breath...
Love you!

unless you walk the walk
by: Mari

I understand completely. A lot of people said things to me that offended me, things like,''Well, you have to go on with your life.'' The thing is, my husband was my life. He was the love of my life. No one knows how I felt when he said the last words spoken to me,''I love you so much.'' Then he went to sleep and in the morning he had gone to be with the Lord.
It has been a year and a month as of tomorrow. I am better of course but think of him all the time and miss him.

I think people do not truly understand until they go through it. People mean well but think we should be completely over it. Six months is not a very long time. And neither is one year. Of course there has been some healing but it is a gradual process. Some people do understand and others are just guessing that we should be over it. When God joined us in marriage we became one with our husbands and have lost part of ourselves. Just take care of yourself and keep posting. We all care and God is with you.

I agree
by: Jen

Patricia,

I agree 100 per cent.
They have absolutely no idea. Even those closest to us.
At least we all have each other here.

I wish you well as you face Christmas.

Jen

Amen
by: Judith

I swear the next time someone says he's in a better place I'll scream "where, dead?"
I too am sick of hearing that phrase. How the hell do they know. We only know they are gone from us never to be again. No kiss, hug, touch.

Know you are with folks here on this site who truly understand.

Have a Blessed Holiday Season and New Year.

unless you walk the walk - don't talk the talk
by: jules

Patricia - I know how hard it is - I think that this is really the only place where I open up about how desperately lonely I am without John - everyone else just presumes that I am doing ok.
But I have my shell around me - I don't let anyone penetrate that, because I don't want them telling me I should be moving on.

I don't want to "move on" from loving John, I will carry on with my life - but it is my life, a different life than I had with John, it has to be, I am a different person.

I hate waking up alone every morning, I hate going to bed alone every night. I hardly ever cook, there seems to be no point - I eat prepared stuff, or I eat out, or I accept every invitation to eat with someone at their home.

I usually feel like I am playing a part, that life is not real. I support my friends, some of whom are widows also, but who do not seem as "together" as me. If only they knew of the times, when I am so in despair, that I feel I can't go on - but it is not in my personality to break down and let people see the real me.

And what you say is true - unless you walk the walk, you can't talk the talk. Losing the person you have chosen to be with for life has to be the most devastating thing that could happen to one.

As you say, other people move on, get past it, but for widows or widowers, it is not that easy.

But we will continue - one step, one breath at a time.

We will survive with support from this web site, and our wonderful friends on here.

Take care
jules

You are soooooo right!
by:

I tell ya, unless people have walked in our moccasins they have no clue what it is like to have your entire life pulled out from under your feet. Before we met the ones that we loved...
we were individuals. We met, fell in love and somehow merged with them. Still an individual yet fused with another soul that was our life day in day out. Then when that person is ripped from our side we are supposed to mend in 3 months, 6 months....A year?

This new normal, new life feels so odd. But we must accept it but in our own time our own way.
It is like a bitter medicine (cod liver oil?)
that we have to get down some how. And no one can tell us how except the saying that we live by...
1 breath 1 step at a time.
HH

Well Said
by: Colleen

I am also tired of hearing that Bruce is in a better place and he is no longer in pain. The night before Bruce died (he died 16/11/2010 after being in hospital for nine weeks) he told me how much he loved me and we would be together soon. I also heard people saying at the funeral that he had given up. His statement to me the night before is in total contrast.

I have also been told that Bruce would not want me to be sad so I must start to get over him. My reply is oh is that all it takes to make me feel better how silly of me.

I also miss Bruce so much; I keep thinking he is going to walk through the door any minute. I have taken over running Bruce's company so every day I go to work and sit in his office and it feels like the knife is going in deeper every day. People have said to me I should be blessed to be taking over his legacy well I would rather he was here with me.

You couldn't have said it better.
by: Barbara

I agree "unless you walk the walk - don't talk the talk". People that have not lived what we are living do NOT know what we are going through. It was a year in September that my Randy was suddenly taken from me. Today he would have been 50 years old. This is going to be a hard day for me. I've been told "You should be moving on why aren't you?" "He's gone and not coming back, let it go." That's just a couple of things. Then of course you always have the people that avoid you because they don't know what to say.

I am just so thankful for this site where we can be ourselves. We don't have to put on the fake face in here because we all understand. This is my support group. There are no physical support groups anywhere within 150 miles from me so I come here for my support. I just imagine what it would be like to have this support group in one room in person. The biggest help has been 1 step, 1 breath at a time.

The steps and breaths keep coming and I keep going but not the way "others" think I should.

Barb

I'M WITH YOU 100%
by: TRISHJ

My husband just passed away 2 1/2 weeks ago so my family and friends are still treating me like a fragile egg shell that might break if they hold it too tight. I know that will pass. I've been through this before. I lost my brother when he was only 33 years old. I was 35. Although it's been many years I am still grieving for my brother. He was one of my best friends and a person who loved me unconditionally. It's so hard to move on with your life. I know what lies ahead for me with the death of my husband (who was my very best friend in life).

People who have never experienced the death of a close loved one especially don't get it. "He's in a better place", "It was for the best," "His suffering is over now." They aren't the ones who are laying in an empty bed aching for the familiar feeling of your husband (or partner). They aren't waking up every day feeling lonely and depressed. I had several people tell me after by brother's passing, "It's time to get over this and move on." I SAY WHEN IT'S TIME!! I know that is coming for me over the next year.

Thank God for this web site. It has brought me a lot of comfort in just a few short weeks. God's blessings to you and thanks for your comments. It will help me to deal with those people who are not very sensitive over the next year.

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Unless you walk the walk ~ Don't talk the talk

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Unless you walk the walk ~ Don't talk the talk