Unless you walk the walk ~ Don't talk the talk
Christmas ~ 2009
So I was visiting family and friends. With the holidays so close I've been feeling down. I thought being around my friends being they were close to my husband surely they would be a comfort.
That was not to be.... First I got the, Have you scheduled your grief like we last spoke of?
1. You can't schedule when your going to feel like you've been shattered into a million pieces and put it in a time slot.
I say the 21st of December will be 6 months, OMG I can't believe it. It felt like yesterday and yet a million years ago as tears threaten to fall.
2. Yes its been 6 months they say, and they have the look of I should be better and moving on in my life.
I say ~ yes 6 months are you all crazy? Am I crazy... Who put the time limits on????
I just don't understand, but then I know, their lives have moved on and so should I. I've cried as many tears as the rain that's been falling these last days. My heart has been shattered and they think crazy glue and a little "you'll get better" is the answer.
I've been mad for days. These were my closest and dearest friends. Friends he grew up with, 45 years. There concern and worried there's something really wrong. I just want to yell at them "Yes there is something wrong, Billy's gone and I miss him desperately". Life is not a neat little package ~
I heard a song today by Rascal Flatts called "While You Loved Me" and part of it said:
I was born the day you kissed me
I died inside the night you left me
But I lived, Oh How I lived
While you loved me
Yes we did love, I will always remember as the tears fall once more and my heart breaks ~
I wish they could understand...
But they don't ~ so, Unless you can walk the walk, Don't talk the talk to me...
I still wake in the morning surprised to find myself where I am, and then I remember, I'm in a different world, a world without Billy. Everybody is happy he's in a better place. I know he is but I'm just tired of hearing that same old line. I just miss him so much. If I could just have one more hug, a kiss or run my fingers through his hair just one more time ~ but I can't.
There'll never be a minute of the day I won't think of Him, my friend, my soul mate, my love ~ He was the only one who truly knew and understood me.
The heart wants what the heart wants ~
So I must endure and continue ~
Smile and talk the talk but I will be walking alone ~
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~