Up, down and sideways ~ Its always the same

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Yesterday I was OK, well OK as can be expected these days with Christmas around the corner. Tonight I'm watching a Christmas show and they sang "I'll be Home for Christmas" and the dam broke and the tears came once more. I felt like I was back to square one and the tears won't stop, even as I type this now. How can I live on this roller-coaster of emotions always threatening to rip my heart to pieces sometime each minute each hour of the day. How do I survive? I want to scream its not fair ~ give him back to me.

Billy loved Christmas. Our 1st Christmas he said we're not buying presents this year for us, (kids only & we have a trip planned so that's our Christmas present to each other) but then he smiled and handed me a stuffed dog with a stocking hanging from his mouth and in that stocking were diamond earrings. He was always doing stuff like that. He spoiled me.

So what do I do this year. I'm with family but I might as well be on a desert island because it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters but this hurt. It hurts so much it feels as if my heart will burst out of my chest. I walk through this life on auto-pilot, circling around and around going nowhere. It really doesn't make a difference anyway all I feel is despair and wanting something I can no longer have, a ghost of a person walking to nowhere. A new life I hate and don't want, but have no choice, going to my empty bed each night remembering what I don't have ~ the warm arms that held me each night that are now gone.

Funny, the only comfort I get right now is my brother and sister-in-laws dogs. The have 3 cocker-spaniels. One in particular, Snicker-doodles, snickers for short or just doodles has taken to sleeping at the foot of my bed, almost like she knows. Rylee and Taylor follow me around so maybe they know something.
Tonight again as I drift off to sleep I will wish and pray again to see him in my dreams.
always, 1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

Comments for Up, down and sideways ~ Its always the same

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Dec 23, 2010
Stay strong
by: Jen


You're doing great.
None of chose this debilitating road but stay strong. The loneliness for me was a huge thing. I have two teenage girls that keep me going. Hormones and all!!!!

It feels alone but keep busy and involve yourself in what is going on. I do however understand that feeling of wanting to stop pretending and get off that ride...

Your doing great. You have been thro so much so be proud of yourself.

Jen xX

Dec 23, 2010
my progression of grief
by: Hope

No expert on grief I can only tell you how Mine has progressed over this past year. Yes I still think of Paul and miss him. But it is not in every waking moment destroying every thought, smashing every grain of happiness that I might have. I would not call myself content. There are moments that I think that I am o.k.

For now that is good enough. I know that from this point onward it is my life, not our life. That is very hard to accept. The meltdowns are less. When The Christmas season first started hearing I'll have a blue blue Christmas without you nearly tore me in two. Also I'll be home for Christmas is another rough one. I had to leave the store. I have become somewhat desensitized it is not every song, every movie, everything "speaking" to me about me about us or what was us.

It certainly is not a linear progression as I would have liked the 3 steps forward and one step back. But there is a forward motion and as much as I dislike life without him, It does seem possible. Here's hoping that we all find some peace at some point...

Dec 23, 2010
yes, it is
by: Judith

Patricia, I feel the same way. Listening to music that was popular when My chuck and I met, anything that says I love you or reminds me of us dancing when we first met brings me to tears. Anywhere I go we used to go and that was everywhere for 35 1/2 years I am reminded of him and I break, I was just sitting in the mall yesterday and was talking to a person I knew from when I worked and Just burst into tears and then to a complete stranger. I was okay most of the morning until then.

This is so miserable and the heartache is never going to leave me.

My next door neighbor came back from a trip and she said she didn't know what to say of my husbands passing because I was his caregiver, feeding him, using my body to walk him and having to toilet him in all ways. So she assumed it was a blessing and I was free. I told her never once did I complain or feel it was a burden and would gladly take him back and continue caring for him if only I could. She quickly made her exit. I was surprised because she had cared for her husband 10 years before he passed years ago.

Anyway I wish us all the peace we will eventually have and may it come sooner. It's too bad we all can't meet and have a long group hug.

Dec 23, 2010
We Share More Than A First Name
by: Pat J

My name is also Patricia. I lost my husband 3 weeks ago tomorrow. My husband was very ill before he passed. I am going through the same thing although my pain is fresh. I know I'm supposed to be happy at this time of year. I had a full blown anxiety attack at the mall the other day and had to leave. My hands were shaking so badly I could barely drive the 5 miles home.

I am staying with my sister and she has two dogs (Molly and Marco). I was crying the other day and Molly came and put her little Schnauzer face in my lap and rested her hand on my knee. Her eyes looked very sad. I know animals can sense when we are having a hard time. They too are a huge comfort to me.

My family is trying to keep me busy with all the holiday hoopla but my heart is just not in it. I too go to my empty bed and feel as if my nerves will explode. My husband loved UFC fighting (mixed martial arts). I was turning the channels the other evening looking for something to watch that had nothing to do with Christmas. There was a UFC fight on the Spike channel and I exploded into a 2 hour crying jag. My children did a wonderful job of preparing collages for my husband's wake. They are pictures of us dating, our wedding pictures, my husband holding my children at all ages, all us during happy family vacations, birthdays and holidays. I can't look at them. They are laying face down way in the back of my walkin closet. My son and daughter both have been posting their favorite pictures of him on facebook. I have to stay off facebook for a while because I just can't bear to look at the pictures.

If it's any comfort to you I share your pain. I know I have a long painful journey ahead. My husband was my best friend and I miss the touch of his hands, the smile, the twinkle in his eyes. Life really sucks sometimes doesn't it?

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