Up, down and sideways ~ Its always the same
Yesterday I was OK, well OK as can be expected these days with Christmas around the corner. Tonight I'm watching a Christmas show and they sang "I'll be Home for Christmas" and the dam broke and the tears came once more. I felt like I was back to square one and the tears won't stop, even as I type this now. How can I live on this roller-coaster of emotions always threatening to rip my heart to pieces sometime each minute each hour of the day. How do I survive? I want to scream its not fair ~ give him back to me.
Billy loved Christmas. Our 1st Christmas he said we're not buying presents this year for us, (kids only & we have a trip planned so that's our Christmas present to each other) but then he smiled and handed me a stuffed dog with a stocking hanging from his mouth and in that stocking were diamond earrings. He was always doing stuff like that. He spoiled me.
So what do I do this year. I'm with family but I might as well be on a desert island because it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters but this hurt. It hurts so much it feels as if my heart will burst out of my chest. I walk through this life on auto-pilot, circling around and around going nowhere. It really doesn't make a difference anyway all I feel is despair and wanting something I can no longer have, a ghost of a person walking to nowhere. A new life I hate and don't want, but have no choice, going to my empty bed each night remembering what I don't have ~ the warm arms that held me each night that are now gone.
Funny, the only comfort I get right now is my brother and sister-in-laws dogs. The have 3 cocker-spaniels. One in particular, Snicker-doodles, snickers for short or just doodles has taken to sleeping at the foot of my bed, almost like she knows. Rylee and Taylor follow me around so maybe they know something.
Tonight again as I drift off to sleep I will wish and pray again to see him in my dreams.
always, 1 step, 1 breath at a time ~