My younger brother died June 6, 2012. I was out of the country and back in the US within 24 hours. My mother was alone when she found my brother. My brother was diagnosed with Cirrhosis of the Liver in June 2009. He was placed on a transplant list, but received inadequate care due to county insurance. In July 2009, my mother had a stroke three weeks after retiring at 69. I lived and suffered through their drinking for 25 years prior to this. We discovered that my brother, Robert, started drinking again before his death knowing full well that it would shorten his life. Basically, he committed suicide. I thought I smelled alcohol once or twice on his breath, but couldn't be certain due to the odors from his damaged liver. I planned to speak with him about his poor self care when I returned from the Bahamas. I didn't get the chance. I don't feel guilty because I know his choices were his own and he could've reached out at any time. I do feel very sad that I waited to speak to him. Immediately after being told about my brother's death, I made airline arrangements to return home. I went into overdrive caring for my mom, making preliminary arrangements for my brother and flying in family members. I sorted through photos for a memory board, kept myself busy with scanning photos for a book and dvd of my brother's life. My sister, daughter and I kept busy cleaning my mother's place. It was very neglected and it was difficult to just be in that environment. My husband was here to stay with my mom the day my brother died and gave her great comfort. For this I will always be grateful. Unfortunately, he began to act out the day after my brother's death. He picked a serious fight and shouted that he wanted a divorce. Things had been rocky, but we were discussing counseling before my trip. Over the course of the next two weeks, things went from bad to worse. There were some arguments and erratic behavior on my husband's part. He drank two days after my brother died, giving up two and a half years of sobriety. Three days after I buried my brother, my husband and I had an argument which escalated in to a shouting fight and then he struck me on the side of my face. I was in such shock over my brother that I automatically picked up the phone with my purse and locked myself in my car to call 911. Needless to say, he was arrested and a three year protection order was issued for me. My husband has since accepted a plea agreement which includes 3 years probation and one year Domestic Violence Counseling. He has also filed for divorce. During the two months after my brother died and my experience with my husband, I felt okay. I was taking care of myself and everything else and was very happy about that. Not so much today. For the last three weeks or so I feel very intensely sad. I'm crying a lot, sleeping more, less energetic. I've been in therapy since about two weeks after my brother died, but I don't feel like it's really helping. At this point, I just feel incredibly sad. Not every minute, but a lot. I didn't want a divorce right away, but the choice was taken out of my hands. I'm grieving for my brother as well as the end of my twenty three marriage. As difficult as it was, I loved and still love my husband. I'm incredibly sad. How long is it okay to cry and feel bereft? I want to move through this.