Vacation turned into the deepest pain in my life
Both me and my sister live in different countries. This August I flew home for vacation and to be there for my dad's birthday on 1st August, because I knew that he was planning a very big birthday and wanted to invite all our relatives and his closest friends. The birthday party really went great and i took such shots with my camera capturing very emotional moments of my dad hugging his friends, laughing at jokes, then very sad expression in his eyes... Anyway, after 5 days, he went to office and around 11:00 his friends came to our home to tell us the shocking news that my father had a heartattack while opening his office door. At that moment I don't know what happened to me, I guess I automatically refused to believe and just started to support my mom, called my sister who flew from States next day, the remaining 3 days, I don't know how I was carrying myself, 'cause everything was numb, and i couldn't talk. Until now I cannot talk, and there are seconds that as if a big storm is coming from inside me, but I keep pushing it inside and I say to myself that when I am back to UAE where I work and live, I will grieve, 'cause I just cannot do it in front of my mom and sister. Me and my dad were very close and I honestly don't know how to cope with this pain, I thought I had figured out a lot of things in this life, our usual difficulties, problems, but like this pain, when your heart literally is in pain, I never had in my life. Pe4ople keep saying, that i am lucky that I spent with him the last days of his life, then, they say that it is good the way he passed away, the fact that he was not feeling it coming to him, becasue his coworkers said that he was feeling good that morning, he was chatting.. but you know what all this just doesn't help me at all... also doesn't help the advice that I shouldn't be selfish, that perhaps God took him the right time, otherwise my dad would be in pain.. and he had a heart condition, and truly he was such a proud dad, so handsome, tall, always helping people, joking, enjoying life and that he couldn't bear a single day of lying in hospital and for his family to cry for him.. I have such a mix of feelings of regret, pain, confusion, emptiness, and my sister keeps saying that our dad is with us and he will always be watching over us, I want to believe that and i hope it will help me to go on, I guess this is the bottom line? we need to go on? how a human can take such a pain, a pain so deep, that even is beyond tears.
I miss you daddy.