Vacation turned into the deepest pain in my life

Both me and my sister live in different countries. This August I flew home for vacation and to be there for my dad's birthday on 1st August, because I knew that he was planning a very big birthday and wanted to invite all our relatives and his closest friends. The birthday party really went great and i took such shots with my camera capturing very emotional moments of my dad hugging his friends, laughing at jokes, then very sad expression in his eyes... Anyway, after 5 days, he went to office and around 11:00 his friends came to our home to tell us the shocking news that my father had a heartattack while opening his office door. At that moment I don't know what happened to me, I guess I automatically refused to believe and just started to support my mom, called my sister who flew from States next day, the remaining 3 days, I don't know how I was carrying myself, 'cause everything was numb, and i couldn't talk. Until now I cannot talk, and there are seconds that as if a big storm is coming from inside me, but I keep pushing it inside and I say to myself that when I am back to UAE where I work and live, I will grieve, 'cause I just cannot do it in front of my mom and sister. Me and my dad were very close and I honestly don't know how to cope with this pain, I thought I had figured out a lot of things in this life, our usual difficulties, problems, but like this pain, when your heart literally is in pain, I never had in my life. Pe4ople keep saying, that i am lucky that I spent with him the last days of his life, then, they say that it is good the way he passed away, the fact that he was not feeling it coming to him, becasue his coworkers said that he was feeling good that morning, he was chatting.. but you know what all this just doesn't help me at all... also doesn't help the advice that I shouldn't be selfish, that perhaps God took him the right time, otherwise my dad would be in pain.. and he had a heart condition, and truly he was such a proud dad, so handsome, tall, always helping people, joking, enjoying life and that he couldn't bear a single day of lying in hospital and for his family to cry for him.. I have such a mix of feelings of regret, pain, confusion, emptiness, and my sister keeps saying that our dad is with us and he will always be watching over us, I want to believe that and i hope it will help me to go on, I guess this is the bottom line? we need to go on? how a human can take such a pain, a pain so deep, that even is beyond tears.
I miss you daddy.

Comments for Vacation turned into the deepest pain in my life

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Oct 18, 2012
Talking is curative
by: Atash

Please search for a psychoanalyst near where you live and talk to him or her about your pain.... Talking about your feelings is the best remedy for your pain. I am sure this will help tremendously! Take care..

Oct 02, 2012
by: Anonymous

Wow Doreen that is great advice.
My big lesson from my dads death is that nobody can understand how you feel. Advice is usually meant well but not always helpful.

I can see from here, the grief is going to be a long road. My friend told me she heard that it gets easier but you never get over it. That sounds about right to me.

I had a pretty great dad and I always tried to make him proud. I am thinking if I can eventually get myself together I will try to live more like him until we meet again.

Aug 18, 2012
Vacation turned into the deepest pain in my life
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear heartbroken, You are facing one of the worst experiences in your life. It is called RAW GRIEF. You are not ALONE. The mistake you are making is listening to other people telling you that you should be thankfull you spent time with your dad. People telling you that perhaps it was his time to go, which may be right but not helpfull. People telling you that you are selfish. Being selfish is a part of the human condition that every human being has to overcome as we go through life. Another mistake you are making is shoving your grief down inside till you get back home to where you live and work and then deal with your grief. You are causing yourself more unnecessary pain. GRIEF JUST HAPPENS. Wherever you are grief strikes. Let it happen naturally. You have to just work with the grief. Get angry. Cry a lot, scream if you have to. Go to grief counselling instead of talking to people who don't understand. A grief counsellor can help you cope with the pain. You have to feel the full force of the pain before it leaves you and healing takes place inside you. don't look too far ahead. Take one day at a time. Keep a journal and write in this book all your feelings and even talk to your dad in this way of writing. It will help you cope with your grief. You don't have to be brave. If you are having a difficult time coping with the grief that is what grief counsellors are there for. Just choose people you can trust who will allow you to express yourself the way you need to. don't try to be strong for other people. You can't. Each person has to carry and experience their own grief otherwise you will injure yourself more. I have done this and it is hard to overcome and deal with. Sadly in pain it is through these difficult times that we grow and mature. Growth takes time. so does healing. It is a slow process. Just when you think you are getting better you may go through another rough loss in your life. but each time you will be stronger to handle this. If this is the first time you are facing a loss and grief you will wonder what is happening to you. It is normal. this is a PAIN you cannot put into words. It is HELL. But you will come through this in time.

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