Valentine's Day Present 2009 Las Vegas

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Getting ready to drive ~

Getting ready to drive ~

Getting ready to drive ~
Put the gear on ~
In the car ~
On the track ~

Click on each photo to enlarge.

I made a milestone with going out to dinner on my own the other day. One day normal as normal can be and then another sad and lonely. Does it ever stop?
I know its Valentine's day coming thats bringing me down. I see the "love" in the air, flowers and Forever Afters everywhere.
The last couple of Valentine's day presents from Billy were driving a Nascar car just like the professionals.
My first was California Speedway ~ 10 laps. I was so excited I thought I would pass out. Of course is was 106 but the excitement just thrilled me.
My second Valentine's present the following year was 30 laps at Las Vegas, Number 45. Fire suit on and a pad behind me because my legs were short in the car.
OMG ~ I was in heaven. I even have it on DVD and I hit a top speed behind my instructor. The other instructor's were kidding him saying I was "Bump drafting" him. Of course being a women really added more fun and teasing.
Now I'm looking at this Valentine's day lone, missing and wanting him so bad my heart hurts, I mean physically hurts. Is that possible?
I was proud that I had dinner on my own but now I'm breaking down.
I'm working on getting my own apartment (away from my Brother and his wife ~ thank goodness) so there's things to buy, cable and water to turn on. I'm afraid when the busy stuff is done I'll be in an apartment really alone. It keeps knocking at the door of my broken heart.
I just don't know what to do. Working keeps my busy during the day but at night my loneness drags me into a dark black hole that threatens to choke me. I'm 51 and this will be the first time I'm really alone. Alone.
I miss his smile, his touch and warm body I could snuggle against at night. 7 months 21 days gone from me, gone from my life and the despair I feel at moments torment me.
Now is Gods Hands, Forever in My Heart ~
always, 1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

Comments for Valentine's Day Present 2009 Las Vegas

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Feb 11, 2011
love the picture
by: Anonymous seems like your Billy left you with many happy memories. You have so much to treasure. I'm glad he was in your life. He truly was your angel.

Feb 07, 2011
by: Eunice

I know exactly how you feel with Valentines Day right around the corner. My husband always managed to surprise me with roses every time, even the times he was in the hospital. And now, being totally alone in a house, far away from my family and friends make it worse. But I can't leave this house and move. We made a home here, have a lot of good memories here. I'm 54, and for the very first time in my life "alone". Well, I do have 1 housemate, a cat my son gave me. Since my husband passed away in November 1 week before our anniversary, I already went through my first Christmas without him, but I got lucky and my son came and stayed with me to get me through it. Valentines Day, however, will totally be different. I try to avoid the flower sections in stores, seeing roses makes me cry. All my best to you.
1 day, one step, one breath

Feb 06, 2011
Vegas and Valentines
by: Linda(Quebec)

thanks so much for sharing your story and fantastic pics with us! I read your post about going for a meal ..Well done Patricia well done!

I cant remember what my hubby got me for Valentines isn't that awful..........I remember we were getting ready to get married and I was so excited about the wedding.We were suddenly no longer the "cancer couple" but the newly weds.
We had lived together for nearly 7 years and even although I knew he was ill for some reason I didnt think he would die. At the hospital they never told us............oh you have only so long or the chemo isnt working so we thought he was ok. Looking back he was very ill and failing day by day but we wanted to be "normal " for a while so on March 27th last years we got married! I felt happy and sad because I knew we wouldnt but I was in complete denial....Wayne would die he would live forever!

I dont know about you but I'm finding Sundays really difficult since all our friends are with their families and me I sit here alone listening to the clock ticking away and just cant seem to motivate myself today.
Oh well, I guess .............1 breath 1 step 1 day.

Feb 06, 2011
Remembering the love we had...


It is so hard adjusting to being alone. You can feel so very alone and lonely with family/friends or living alone. I have been thinking about next weekend being Valentines Day.
I have purposely not looked at all the hearts and kisses in stores and tried to turn a blind eye to those purchasing and planning for next weekend.

I can look at it as a commercial day for suckers another day to spend money. But I will remember the sweet thoughtful things My Love would do. Even if he was working he would try to make it special. He called me his sweetheart always.

I will miss those endearing names and the look of pure honest 100% Love in his eyes. So here's hoping that you get through this holiday of Love and are able to start your new life with the courage that you have had to make it this far.

You/We are survivors of grief and will manage to begin a new life for ourselves. There is no other way once you have hit the bottom of grief but up.

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