Vanessa

by Vanessa Guse
(Caloundra)

I don't know where to start or what to say or even why I am on a damned website pouring my heart out to strangers???? But I am as I'm at a loss as of what else to do. I lost my beautiful Grandmother 10 days ago and watched her die slowly in a hospital bed denied of fluids for three days and nights. Although she was drugged to the hilt she was still in horrific pain and up until the day before she passed she was still chatting and laughing and right until the end she had her amazing sense of humour and wit about her. I feel as if I can't go on, she was like a mother to me and we always had a special bond. I was the first grandchild and it was always an unstated fact that I was the favourite!! I really need to be strong for my two beautiful children and my partner but I know that nobody really knows the full extent of my grief. I feel so alone and everything is black. I have suffered from depression in the past and know the signs and I think I'm slipping back to those old awful days. I just can't accept she has gone and I'm in this giant bloody tunnel and the world is going on around me and I'm not even in it. I need her to show me she is o.k, I am willing to try anything. I love you so much Grandma.

Comments for Vanessa

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Apr 15, 2012
I feel the same
by: Anonymous

I feel the same as you do. Well at least I think I do. Nobody goes through grief the same way. I lost my grandma last night and watched her dying for a week before she took her last breath right in front of me. I feel this overwhelming sense of loss mixed with guilt. That maybe I could have done something more. That maybe I should have tried to feed her...even though I know that it wouldn't have helped. My mother in law believes that the exact time of your death is already written. I found comfort in knowing that there is nothing more I could have done to prevent this. It's difficult and I find myself bursting into tears all the time. I'm also in denial that she is gone. She raised me. Although i sat with her and talked to her during the last days, I wished in had said all those things when she was healthy. She broke her hip 8 months ago and with her strength made it this far. It is time for her to rest but I am also seeking some sort of sign to know that she is ok. Your post here helped me realize that I am not alone in this, and I hope you will find some comfort also. Your gran loved you I'm sure and no doubt she is safe, peaceful and free watching over you. You can always talk to her, she will be listening...

Mar 20, 2012
Be well and let you children know what you are feeling
by: Anonymous

No matter how young your children are they need to know what has happened and what you are feeling. Many parts of your grandmother live on in you and although the pain of her loss will never completely go away, I believe she is watching over you and your family from a better place. Be strong, and never forget the wonderful things she taught you. Pass them on to your children, and share the pain you are feeling with other loved ones. Best

Mar 20, 2012
Be Strong
by: Nancy

I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm dealing with the loss of my husband. I know exactly what you're going through, what you're feeling, I believe that our loved ones are with us in spirit and watching over us, love never dies. Stay strong for you, for your family.
Grief mimics depression, I have learned to face the grief,run it's natural course,not to prolong it by taking medication. My heart and my prayers go out to you and your family.

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