by Vanessa Guse
I don't know where to start or what to say or even why I am on a damned website pouring my heart out to strangers???? But I am as I'm at a loss as of what else to do. I lost my beautiful Grandmother 10 days ago and watched her die slowly in a hospital bed denied of fluids for three days and nights. Although she was drugged to the hilt she was still in horrific pain and up until the day before she passed she was still chatting and laughing and right until the end she had her amazing sense of humour and wit about her. I feel as if I can't go on, she was like a mother to me and we always had a special bond. I was the first grandchild and it was always an unstated fact that I was the favourite!! I really need to be strong for my two beautiful children and my partner but I know that nobody really knows the full extent of my grief. I feel so alone and everything is black. I have suffered from depression in the past and know the signs and I think I'm slipping back to those old awful days. I just can't accept she has gone and I'm in this giant bloody tunnel and the world is going on around me and I'm not even in it. I need her to show me she is o.k, I am willing to try anything. I love you so much Grandma.