Very frustrated

by Motherless
(California)

I lost my mother 4 1/2 months ago to colon cancer. She was sick for two years, so in many ways I felt that I had already lost her by the time she actually died. At first, I felt a lot of relief that I didn't have to worry about her suffering or what I should be doing, or about the actual dying process any more. I was also very relieved to get my life back without worrying so much about a particular horrifying outcome. I've found the greiving process generally easier than dealing with the illness and fear of her dying.

I also think I haven't fully grieved for her, because I've just been trying to catch my breath and get my life back. I find that I'm just so irritable. When people move too slow, don't follow through on their word, my housemate's music, cutting my finger ....whatever. It doesn't take much for a hot rage to build in my chest. It's just getting stronger and I think it's the reason I have the "flu" right now. It think it's just grief working it's way out.

I also get really frustrated and feel hurt by my friends not trying to do anything for me. And I know many of them just don't know what to do, and they are in their twenties and many of them have never dealt with really difficult situations. I don't feel very forgiving of them, however. I get angry they they are so self consumed and can just have fun and be carefree OR complain about really small things. I guess I just wish people could go out of their way just a little bit. Offer to come over and watch a movie. I'm getting angrier just thinking about this.

I've been so tired for months and I even expressed to my friends how much I would just love someone to chill and watch a movie with, and still they can't be bothered to come to me. Are people that dense?!?! God, I would be relieved and happy if my boyfriend or any friend just picked up some dinner and a movie and brought it over to me. I just don't think that's that much to ask!!!

Boyfriend.... that's another tough situation. We've been dating on and off for about a year, and I know he was hesitant to get involved with someone who was losing/lost their mother...which I can't blame him. Now we're back together and I'm afraid to show him my grief, in fear that it'll make him uncomfortable and/or be a huge turn off and something he doesn't want to deal with. I've tried so hard not to lean on him or show him my weak moments, but I don't want to hide it and at times it's very difficult.

Sometimes I get so angry with him about flaking on calling me back, or not doing something I want him to do, and I try to keep it to myself but I know he can probably tell my irritation. I don't want to be a brat, because then why would he be dating me?

Does anybody else get sick a lot??? Eating well and immune booster supplements don't seem to do much, I just get sick over and over again! I really would like to know if that's common for other grieving people.

Comments for Very frustrated

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May 20, 2012
late response
by: miriam Drace

I wrote the post about being frustrated quite a while ago now. Very interesting, and I wonder how everyone who commented is doing. Jayne, you found my post helpful and I wanted to follow-up? I still feel sick and exhausted a lot of the time. I'll go through periods of time feeling better and less stressed by everything, and then periods where I'm tired and irritable and depressed and overwhelmed. I think a lot of the anger has subsided and my feeling day-to-day don't revolve around my mom so much. But I'm so dang sensitive, and I still don't feel like I have my life back, or myself. Still feel broken and grasping for stability and energy. I worry there's something wrong with me, why am I tired and feel sick all the time? But I'm healthy, so I guess it's all pyschosomatic.....or grief related. It was both comforting and discouraging to read that I felt the same way over two years ago. It's such a long process isn't it?! sort of a 2 steps forward 1 or even 1 1/2 steps back I guess. whew I know I won't feel this way forever, but it's so hard to believe when 2 1/2 years has already felt like a lifetime. I just want to feel full. Feel love, and fulfillment and satisfaction. I think that's the most distressing of it all....the chronic emptiness of heart. The aching and longing and the weight in my body, heart and soul. nothing quite ever satisfies. Ever. Successes are bittersweet, love, touch and affection feels so wonderful but kind of just makes me want to cry and shows how needy I am of nurturing. Most of the time I just want to be wrapped in bubblewrap so i don't have to feel or be drained by the world around me. I often feel like an infant and a tough independent at the same time. I wonder if it's grief in general that seems to have brought me into this infantile stage or if it's due to specifically losing my mom. Thinking of all of you, and trying to remember I'm not completely alone in this strange experience

May 18, 2012
anger
by: April

I haven't lost my mother yet, she is 51 and was diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer in February. I dont know how long I have wit her, and it kills me that she lives in the south (nc) and I live in the north (ny). But I am glad its not just me that feels anger.

Dec 28, 2009
Hope this helps
by: Anonymous

Hi Jayne~
I can relate to your post about feeling angry with other people. My mom died when I was 17 years old, and I always got and still get angry inside when other friends around me complain about their moms. I didn't really grieve properly because when she died I stepped into the role of "mom" and became this ultra-responsible person. I am learning to let go of that anger by cherishing the memories I have of my mom.

I know what you mean about not wanting to show your boyfriend your tears, which can spring up at unexpected times. I got married 4 years after my mom died and to this day (I am now 46 yrs old) I still don't like to show much emotion around my family.

I say all this to encourage you to tell your boyfriend when you are feeling sad. Explain to him that he doesn't need to fix you; because guys are mostly thinking how can I fix these tears I see....tell him all you need is a hug.

I have done this and it has helped tremendously. It takes the pressure off of my husband and it provides me the warmth and love I need at the time.

Hope this post helps. You are in my prayers!

Dec 21, 2009
MOTHERLESS IN CALIFORNIA
by: ANN

DEAR FRIEND,

I, TOO, LOST MY MOTHER IN JULY, 2009, TO CANCER. WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE WAS SICK UNTIL WE TOOK HER TO BE CHECKED OUT JULY 6TH, GOT THE REPORT OF HER CANCER ON THE 7TH, AND SHE PASSED ON THE 8TH. SO I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FEELING.

I FELT COMPLETELY ALONE IN THE UNIVERSE. SHOCK, SADNESS, DISBELIEF, GUILT. YOU GET IT ALL.


BUT WITH TIME, AND GRIEVING, AND PRAYING, AND BEING YOUSELF, THINGS WILL BE PUT SOMEWHAT IN THEIR PLACE AND YOU'LL BEGIN TO FIND ORDER AGAIN.
I COULDN'T CRY, STILL CAN'T, IN FRONT OF MY SON, OR THE GRANDCHILDREN BECAUSE THEY ''WILL GET UPSET''.

YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS DO NOT MEAN TO BE DISRESPECTFUL. THEY JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE FEELING. PEOPLE THAT ARE STRANGERS
TO GRIEF, DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT TO IT.

KEEP IN TOUCH WITH ALL OF US HERE AT THIS SITE.
WE UNDERSTAND, WE KNOW. WE FEEL. YOU AND I ARE IN ABOUT THE SAME TIME FRAME OF GRIEF.

I HATE TO SEE THE HOLIDAYS COME. I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING. BUT THEY WILL COME AND GO AND WE HAVE TO DO THE BEST WE CAN. I'LL PRAY FOR YOU THAT GOD WILL WRAP YOU IN HEALING LOVE AND COMFORT. BLESS YOU.

Dec 20, 2009
Very frustrated
by: jayne

Honey,

I know I am not crazy and I know this is some kind of grieving process that we are going thru! My father was sick for 2 years, from a series of strokes. You can read my whole story "Lost my father November 3, 2009" under Lost Dads.

Every week, I would read the scriptures to him for 3-4 hours. The day he died I came over with the bible and said "Dad are you ready to hear some scriptures?" but he said "no" and I knew he was going to pass. I came home and cried and told my boyfriend that he was going to die. I went back at 7pm, he died at 7:14. He waited for me.

Now I find myself alone and REALLY REALLY ANGRY AT EVERYTHING. I hate everything and I just want to be left alone. I hear you when you say that your supposed friends ignore the whole thing. This is a wonderful site. I hope to hear from you again, you sound just like me, even if I didn't get my message across very good. I know how you feel and I know the anger and I feel your sadness. I know how you feel, hope you write again, your post came the closest to the way I feel.

My name is Jayne, my dad always called me Baby Jane, how I miss that.
I will pray for you tonight b4 I go to sleep.
Love you friend, Jayne

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