Very frustrated

by Motherless
(California)

I lost my mother 4 1/2 months ago to colon cancer. She was sick for two years, so in many ways I felt that I had already lost her by the time she actually died. At first, I felt a lot of relief that I didn't have to worry about her suffering or what I should be doing, or about the actual dying process any more. I was also very relieved to get my life back without worrying so much about a particular horrifying outcome. I've found the greiving process generally easier than dealing with the illness and fear of her dying.

I also think I haven't fully grieved for her, because I've just been trying to catch my breath and get my life back. I find that I'm just so irritable. When people move too slow, don't follow through on their word, my housemate's music, cutting my finger ....whatever. It doesn't take much for a hot rage to build in my chest. It's just getting stronger and I think it's the reason I have the "flu" right now. It think it's just grief working it's way out.

I also get really frustrated and feel hurt by my friends not trying to do anything for me. And I know many of them just don't know what to do, and they are in their twenties and many of them have never dealt with really difficult situations. I don't feel very forgiving of them, however. I get angry they they are so self consumed and can just have fun and be carefree OR complain about really small things. I guess I just wish people could go out of their way just a little bit. Offer to come over and watch a movie. I'm getting angrier just thinking about this.

I've been so tired for months and I even expressed to my friends how much I would just love someone to chill and watch a movie with, and still they can't be bothered to come to me. Are people that dense?!?! God, I would be relieved and happy if my boyfriend or any friend just picked up some dinner and a movie and brought it over to me. I just don't think that's that much to ask!!!

Boyfriend.... that's another tough situation. We've been dating on and off for about a year, and I know he was hesitant to get involved with someone who was losing/lost their mother...which I can't blame him. Now we're back together and I'm afraid to show him my grief, in fear that it'll make him uncomfortable and/or be a huge turn off and something he doesn't want to deal with. I've tried so hard not to lean on him or show him my weak moments, but I don't want to hide it and at times it's very difficult.

Sometimes I get so angry with him about flaking on calling me back, or not doing something I want him to do, and I try to keep it to myself but I know he can probably tell my irritation. I don't want to be a brat, because then why would he be dating me?

Does anybody else get sick a lot??? Eating well and immune booster supplements don't seem to do much, I just get sick over and over again! I really would like to know if that's common for other grieving people.