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Vows

My name is Elizabeth and I've recently lost my husband. I am the mother of a precious 15 month old little boy.

I'm crying as I'm writing this now...so angry that he left us...how will I ever survive? I'm in the military so I am isolated from my family - there is no one here I can count on in any "real" way.

My mom came out for three months but she just left. In a way I was glad to see her go. I can finally break down in my kitchen, in the hallway, in the bathroom without fear of being seen and "comforted" with more well-intentioned but totally ignorant words.

My baby says "dada" and I just want to die. I don't want to live like this - everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, is going to be harder. I am all alone. I still have to work. I still have to eat. I still have to get dressed. I have another little person I am 100% responsible for...I can't just break down like I want to. I can't even drink a glass of wine to take the edge off, or smoke a cigarette, because of my son.

My friends were all "there" for me in the beginning but its old news now. It's like they're expecting me to just move on. My one friend even said I was "at risk" of "losing myself". He said that some people "never come back" from where I am now....what is that supposed to mean??

I have a headache. Everything I do, everything I see, everything I smell, everything I touch, everything I hear reminds me of him. I am so angry, I am SO. FUCKING. ANGRY!!!! I just want to punch this keyboard and throw the computer against the wall!!!!

We were supposed to be together forever, we were supposed to dance around the house and watch our son grow up and get old together. We had dreams that will never be realized, it wasn't supposed to be this way. My head is throbbing. Need to go find some Advil.

Comments for
Vows

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Read the Psalms
by: Anonymous

Psalm 69:29-30 "I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me. I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving."

I never really liked reading the Psalms in the Bible because I could never get what they were for; but after my husband's untimely and sudden death on June 1, 2009 (he was 44), I have found much comfort in these verses.

Throughout the entire book, you will find your own voice and a way to put into words the sadness you feel, the comfort you desperately seek, and the joys you can still find. This one particular verse about being in pain hit home.

Even though I am in the most awful pain of my life, I want God's protection. I want God with me. I am still thankful for the life we shared, the three beautiful children we created, and the love that brought us together through tough times and happy times. All of that can be found in the Psalms. When you reach to God, He will hold you.
I know exactly how you feel!!!
by: Jessica from Germany

I lost my husband 8 1/2 weeks ago at the age of 35. I am right there with you angry and pissed off that he left me and our boys. And everyone around me just expects me to kinda snap out of it and move on.

I just wanted to put you in my prayers and let you know that you are not alone.
Jessica
Turn to God
by: Anonymous

I understand your pain, I am also going through it and it is still very fresh. My relationship with my husband was more like a fairytale that you read about in a storybook, we were inseparable and like a true fairy tale I thought that we were gonna live happily everafter. Just when we had accomplished everything material-wise and blessed with three kids, he was taken away from me to the glory of the Lord.

I know you will find this hard to believe but there is harmony in the Lord and the word. Look for God now more than ever because that is what he wants you to do. Yes you will still miss your your husband and at times you will still break-down and feel the overwhelming sense of loss and pain but without inviting the holy spirit to take control of your life you will remain stuck in your grief. Don't start looking for an immediate replacement of your husband because there isn't anyone like him. Surrender yourself every day to the power of the holy spirit. We are not in control, this we have to learn the hard way, so surrender your own independence or dependence to your man to the Lord.
I get it
by: Maria

I totally get it. I lost my husband in March '08 and it doesn't matter what anyone says... it doesn't help. I also have children, but they can't console me. I'm alone in my misery, just like you. We've built a wall of grief around us and right now no one can tear it down. They say it will get better... but when?
Understand your grief
by: Sally

Elisabeth, there is nothing harder than losing the husband you deeply love and planned a life with. No words can be of consolation for you.

But your son is. You can see your husband in your son and all what you have planned with your husband, you shall be able to do with your son in the future.

I know the responsibility looks huge now, but you shall find the strength to assume it in the hope that your son is giving you.

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