Waiting for the loneliness to subside10-10-10
Its the midnight hour and for these past few days I have noticed a change, some sort of metamorphosis and I am not comfortable with it. It was an angry realization that he wasn't coming back, Now I knew that, But some how all the softening of words. He's Passed (if he's passed he's going to turn back and come home right) He's gone (If he's gone he will return to me) He's going to be an angel (But I need him here) and the resounding pounding in my head telling me that he is gone and everything from this point forward is on me.
All the decisions that we shared are now mine. The responsibilities that we made together are now solely mine. I can now make the bedroom floral and romantic but for who. I will have some pride for myself he will not see it, and part of me is ashamed to even care when I do...Is this acceptance. I don't like it. I Do Not like this end result of my grief. I will still sob the loss of My Love. Hear his words echoing through my mind....I just know that somehow I need to start to live without him and that is what I do not like and resist with all my might.
Grant me the strength to build a new life without him.
I have always been strong for him, His illness for over a year. Taking care of my Father as well before he died the year before.
How can I feel so weak yet as If I see the top of the mountain and am almost there and cannot climb that last 10 yards to get there...
Let me at least dream of him as he was before the Aneurysm and stroke. Have a happy moment as we were if only in my dreams. I know you are with me my Love I just know that you are by my side encouraging me, smiling down at me knowing that I'll make it and perhaps that is your peace...