Waiting for the loneliness to subside10-10-10

by Hope
(Tappy Happy)

Its the midnight hour and for these past few days I have noticed a change, some sort of metamorphosis and I am not comfortable with it. It was an angry realization that he wasn't coming back, Now I knew that, But some how all the softening of words. He's Passed (if he's passed he's going to turn back and come home right) He's gone (If he's gone he will return to me) He's going to be an angel (But I need him here) and the resounding pounding in my head telling me that he is gone and everything from this point forward is on me.

All the decisions that we shared are now mine. The responsibilities that we made together are now solely mine. I can now make the bedroom floral and romantic but for who. I will have some pride for myself he will not see it, and part of me is ashamed to even care when I do...Is this acceptance. I don't like it. I Do Not like this end result of my grief. I will still sob the loss of My Love. Hear his words echoing through my mind....I just know that somehow I need to start to live without him and that is what I do not like and resist with all my might.

Grant me the strength to build a new life without him.

I have always been strong for him, His illness for over a year. Taking care of my Father as well before he died the year before.

How can I feel so weak yet as If I see the top of the mountain and am almost there and cannot climb that last 10 yards to get there...

Let me at least dream of him as he was before the Aneurysm and stroke. Have a happy moment as we were if only in my dreams. I know you are with me my Love I just know that you are by my side encouraging me, smiling down at me knowing that I'll make it and perhaps that is your peace...


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Oct 24, 2010
I feel like I was dumped
by: Anonymous

I just lost my husband, best friend and soul mate 5 weeks ago. The first 2 weeks were a blur of confusion, phone calls, emails, etc. It has been the saddest time of my life to watch my wonderful husband die. As I said my "good byes" to him, I told him it was OK to leave and I would figure out what to do next. At first I felt total grief and confusion. This past week, I've felt like the bride left standing at the alter or the high school girl who was stood up for the prom. Is this normal to feel like I was dumped even though I told him to go ahead and be with God?? I feel badly about these feelings because I loved him so much.

Oct 13, 2010
waiting for the loneliness to subside 10-10-10
by: Anonymous

Just found this website and reading all the posts are helping me get through a rough day. I lost my husband of 37 years three years ago. I went to my doctor today because I am having a problem of not sleeping. She said it could be I am in a depression. Came home and found this website and being the only one of my friends who is a widow, I feel some peace by reading others who is going through the same thing as I am. I don't think I really took the time to grieve my husband. I turned myself into a very busy woman. I go any where with friends, do anything to get out of the house. I ordered the book today Workbook of Grief and I am looking forward to working through my pain. Thanks for all the postings. I don't feel alone.

Oct 13, 2010
by: Mari

I can understand your feelimgs. I have ups and downs throughout the day and many things remind me of my husband. I cannot always think of myself as a widow and it is hard to accept.

A really weird problem has cropped up and it makes me sad. Mail still comes in his name.I always have to make phone calls to get his name off things. I tell whomever I am speaking with is that seeing his name on bills or whatever just makes me feel bad. They always understand and change it to my name only. There has not been too many to change but enough. It is the little things sometimes that cause sadness.

Loneliness comes in many ways and at certain times overwhelming. Today was one of those days. I am fine now with my grandaughter here, Elena, who is expecting her baby Dec 26th. She says that Grandpa would be so happy to be a great grandpa.
He adored the grandkids. Anyway all we can do is keep going. I agree that the grieving process varies with everyone and sometimes is worse then other times. My faith helps me and I will need it the rest of my life. Take care of yourself.

Oct 12, 2010
celebrate this moment
by: Judy

Hope, I understand how you are feeling and what you are saying but I believe this is an important moment for you. Let me explain- in all the zillions of literature and advice and books I received on widowhood, I remember one phrase. It said that at some point, consciously or unconsciously, all widows make the choice to live.

At the time I thought that was stupid, of course I am making the choice to live, I'm still here and suffering. But now I understand that what they meant was the choice to be happy again, just a little bit at first, and then a little happier everyday. It means to look at the new life you have and see it in a more positive light. It means to take joy in the things you should take joy in.

A turning point for me was my daughter's wedding on 10/10/10- a sad and difficult day for you and a joyous one for me. But I let myself be happy, I didn't let the nasty bitch grief take me that day. On that day I chose to live in this new life, alone but joyous for my daughter's happiness.

I promised Barry I would be ok when I let him go. Now I need to be ok, one day at a time.

Hang on, we are still all here for you.


Oct 10, 2010
For Hope
by: Mari

I understand completely the pain you are going through. I too feel it. I think the hardest part is knowing my husband is not coming back.

There is no one to cuddle me or tell me I look beautiful or to say,''I do love you, you know.''
I am fixing up my house and he is not here to say it looks beautiful and hug me. I guess it keeps me busy being creative and doing things. I stay busy all the time with my family, church and management job here on the complex. I also do a lot of painting and manage other units for the owners. My husband used to do all that.

I can only say that I will probably always miss him, no doubt about it but hope the pain subsides. I am doing better as it is almost 11 months but still miss that man.

This morning in church we took the sacrament and my pastor said if we had heartaches or problems we were dealing with to remember one thing, that Jesus is right beside us and to call on him. Now I always knew that, but the way the pastor said it made me realize just how close Jesus is to us.
I felt better and we sang a most beautiful song called ''Gracias senor Jesus.'' Just have faith and keep posting as this is a wonderful board with caring people. I believe time will do us good. I am lonely as you are. God bless.

Oct 10, 2010
waiting for the loneliness to subisde
by: jules

Hope - I came to the same realisation yesterday - I am on my own - I was driving back from spending the weekend on the coast with some old friends, fairly early in the morning, it was raining, I had to help a friend move house, all I wanted to do was go home, cuddle up, drink lots of tea, read, talk, decide what we were going to do next.

But no-one to cuddle with, or talk to or help make decisions, or even to make me a cup of tea.

I felt so alone, bereft, I think is the word, which I suppose where bereave comes from(?), lost, and, yes, sorry for myself, that was a new one.

But, my daughter rang, to see how I was going, we had a chat, told her some of my feelings, felt a bit better, went on to friends house, and got through the day quite well. My grandsons were around most of the time, and they always make me feel better.

These stages of grief come and go, in no particular order, don't they. Take heart in knowing you are not alone in your grief; you always have us on here to talk to, and know that you do help us to see that "anything" is normal in this process.

Take care.

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