Wantting to know what it feels like to have a mom
by Kendra g.
(Brooklyn ny USA )
My mom died when I was 8yrs old from colon cancer. she was diagnosed when I was 4 so her being sick was all that I knew . I have vivid memories but I can't remember what she looks like. I have pictures but that's when she was young or sick. I remember one time I took care of her.. Her back was hurting really bad and she asked me to rub it.. I seen her crying so I wanted to instead of playing outside with my older sisters. I rubbed her back until my hands hurt but still I kept going ,because I knew she needed it. I use to help her clean her pouch on the side of her stomach which she used for her bowels. I didn't know exactly what was wrong but I knew it wasn't right. I dnt sleep wild anymore because one time I kicked her in her stomach and she cried a little and from there I promised myself I would sleep light so I wouldn't make that mistake again .And the one memory that sticks out the most is when we moved to Delaware so she can stay in a hospital (sort of like a nursing home for people that will soon pass). The doctor told us she will have 3 months or so to live. but when we all went into the room with her she said why are u guys crying I'm going to be ok, nobody said anything even though we knew she was lying. From there we moved to Colorado of course my siblings and I went first to get settled . She soon came after in a wheel chair , she didn't look like my mom at all . I said out loud that's not my mother and ran. I knew what was going on but then I didn't know. I just went from my mom making me pancakes with fruity smiley faces to me kissing every morning in her personal hospital bed then going to school.she soon passed away and I remember me playing during the funeral I never cried until I seen my dads new girlfriend with her daughters. I know I'm rambling but I say that to say , my mom was a great mom from what I remember she spoiled me gave me anything I wanted. I was never in trouble. She was a registered nurse so we were cared for but now that I'm 24 I've realized I never got over it. And its not the fact that I miss her or that she passed what bothers me the most is that i don't know how it feels to have a mom. I was a child when she was around but she wasn't there when I got my first menstraul or graduated or liking my first boy or just having someone to talk to now or someone that says its ok or someone to give me genuine advice or someone to give me that unconditional love so I know what love is suppose to feel like for my future relationships .even when I look on facebook or whatever ,people say if it wasn't for my mom . I'm chasing something, I'm playing a game of cat and mouse that I will forever lose. I will never know what it feels like to have a mom and that breaks my heart so bad