Wantting to know what it feels like to have a mom

by Kendra g.
(Brooklyn ny USA )

My mom died when I was 8yrs old from colon cancer. she was diagnosed when I was 4 so her being sick was all that I knew . I have vivid memories but I can't remember what she looks like. I have pictures but that's when she was  young or sick. I remember one time I took care of her.. Her back was hurting really bad and she asked me to rub it.. I seen her crying so I wanted to instead of playing outside with my older sisters. I rubbed her back until my hands hurt but still I kept going ,because I knew she needed it. I use to help her clean her pouch on the side of her stomach which she used for her bowels. I didn't know exactly what was wrong but I knew it wasn't right. I dnt sleep wild anymore because one time I kicked her in her stomach and she cried a little and from there I promised myself I would sleep light so I wouldn't make that mistake again .And the one memory that sticks out the most  is when we moved to Delaware so she can stay in a  hospital (sort of like a nursing home for people that will soon pass). The doctor told us she will have 3 months or so to live. but when we all went into the room with her she said why are u guys crying I'm going to be ok, nobody said anything even though we knew she was lying. From there we moved to Colorado of course my siblings and I went first to get settled . She soon came after in a wheel chair , she didn't look like my mom at all . I said out loud that's not my mother and ran. I knew what was going on but then I didn't know. I just went from my mom making me pancakes with fruity smiley faces to me kissing every morning in her personal hospital bed then going to school.she soon passed away and I remember me playing during the funeral I never cried until I seen my dads new girlfriend with her daughters. I know I'm rambling but I say that to say , my mom was a great mom from what I remember she spoiled me gave me anything I wanted. I was never in trouble. She was a registered nurse so we were cared for but now that I'm 24 I've realized I never got over it. And its not the fact that I miss her or that she passed what bothers me the most is that i don't know how it feels to have a mom. I was a child when she was around but she wasn't there when I got my first menstraul or graduated or liking my first boy or just having someone to talk to now or someone that says its ok or someone to give me genuine advice  or someone to give me that unconditional love so I know what love is suppose to feel like for my future relationships .even when I look on facebook or whatever ,people say if it wasn't for my mom . I'm chasing something, I'm playing a game of cat and mouse that I will forever lose. I will never know what it feels like to have a mom and that breaks my heart so bad 

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Nov 13, 2012
Thank you
by: Kendra g.

Thank you... You guys comments really made me feel better.. I'm happy I found this site because it really does help... At first I felt like I was the only tht feels like this but I'm not alone and I hope everyone heals and live a happy life...

Nov 09, 2012
Wanting to know what it feels like to have a mom
by: Doreen U.K.

Kendra I am sorry for your loss of your Mom when you were too young to know what it was all about. You have turned into a remarkable woman, but with many questions, and a VOID IN YOUR LIFE. The vacuum that is left from not having the experience of a mom. It is also sad from your Mom's point of view knowing she was going to die, but was in denial because she was never going to see her beautiful daughter grow up and tell her all the things she wanted you to know. To forge that special bond between a mother and a daughter.
My husband died of cancer 6 months ago. We have three Adult children boy 43yrs. girl 40yrs. girl 32yrs. Their Dad was very sad he would not see his children anymore or his 2 baby grandchildren. This breaks my heart. I can't put into words what I feel but it is pure PAIN.
So I know your heart is breaking for this loss of a mother/daughter relationship in your life. If you lived in England. I would adopt you. My son's ex girlfriend was very lonely and depressed. I rescued her and will be a mother to her FOREVER.
She always called me Mom from day 1 and she called my husband Dad. We bonded straight away. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her. My heart breaks for you being without the memories and the feelings of a mother. Do you have any aunts or significant other female members in your family who would mentor you and give you the security you need and lack and that would help you when forming relationships? If you want to email me it is doreenelkington@aol.com.
If you went to see a grief counsellor and talked over your feelings and concerns. This would be good. Often a Counsellor reaches into areas that would leave you feeling better and also be a mentor that would help you move forward into relationships that can work well despite not having the nurturing you needed or missed out on.

Nov 09, 2012
Thank You
by: Anonymous

Your post breaks my heart. You see, I lost the love of my life earlier this year. For so many months I wanted nothing more than to be with him even though I knew it was wrong. You see, I have three small children to raise. It is stories like yours that help me work through the pain so I can be here for them. I pray that God will bless you with children who you will be able to raise through adulthood. Even though your Mom wasn't with you all those years, I can see that she helped shape you into a fine young woman in her own way. To your Mom!

Nov 08, 2012
by: Kendra g.

Thank you I really needed that... For some reason Ive always attracted elderly people and end up having the best conversations in the world , so maybe I'll look into that..thank you

Nov 08, 2012
I wish you fulfillment
by: Anonymous

Little One... the world is full of sadness and sorrow and nothing and nobody will ever replace your Mum. But, there is a side of the world which is full of Mums in disguise. Perhaps you know one or two? Have a look around... Do you know someone who might qualify?

Like all of us, our mothers are a package, a complete person with all the qualities which make them our mothers. That package can never be replicated because, by nature, we are each of us unique. However, you might find some of those qualities in the people who are still here. A sister, an aunt, a friend... perhaps an older person at work or at school who is mentoring you without you realising? Look around you and think of some of the qualities of the people whom you know. Perhaps there is a tiny resemblance to what you seek. It is possible that you might discover more in that person, if you are prepared to open to them.

If there is nobody who fits the bill, perhaps it is time for you to embark on your own journey of discovery. It might be a strange thought at your tender age, but I can make a suggestion, if it will help.. Do you know of a facility near you which houses elderly people (an old-age home, for instance)? One thing I can guarantee is that these places are full of Mums with lots of experience and lots of capacity left in them for love and caring. When we are young, we do not realise that our parents will age someday and that we will ultimately follow them into that space, and I hope that my suggestion will not make you uncomfortable. There will come a time when you will understand that your mother would have been among these 'senior citizens' if she had lived long enough to share in your life, and I would bet there are those among them who would jump at a second chance of being a mother. I bet there are those among them who feel they did not 'get things right' the first time round and who would give anything to have the opportunity to try again.

Whatever you decide to do and wherever you decide to look for the happiness and comfort which you have missed, I am one hundred percent certain that your mother's spirit will guide you, if you allow her. I wish you fulfillment and success on your path ahead.

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