Was it all my fault?

by Geena
(New York)

It really just feels like my heart is hurting -with every pulse comes a sharp pain.

I met him this summer at a public concert. He totally caught me off guard with his bright smile and devastating charm. I gave him my phone number and it took off fast from there. But even since the beginning I felt like something was wrong.

I was hesitant to start any sort of a relationship but slowly my feelings grew. He told me he loved me shortly after we met and I told him I love him too a few days later. I never intended for this to turn into more than a summer fling but at the end of the summer it was impossible to let go.

I went back to college and it was so, so difficult. The distance drove both of us crazy. I would rush home from classes just to call him but it was never enough. He would make me feel so guilty about having other obligations and I cried nearly every single night. To keep him happy I even sent him nude photos of myself which I'd never done and am so ashamed about now. But then he would do sweet things too, like one weekend when I was sick he came up to take care of me, and buying me socks when I'd mentioned I needed them. I loved him so much but my roommate made it so difficult for us to see each other and he was frustrated all the time.

Soon I found out that he had been lying about his age. He initially told me he was my age but from his driver's permit I saw that he was 2 years younger. He lied to me all along and two years at our age is a big deal. I cried and cried and eventually accepted him as he really is and he promised me he would never lie again and he would always hold on to me.

I was guilty of letting school and work come between what precious little time we had, but he always made me feel so guilty I'd literally feel like dying. At the end of the school year I was so excited to be home and see him but things just didn't feel the same. I was the one who initially brought up the fact that we should break up. I regretted it so much that I ran back to him telling him I made a huge mistake and I loved him so much and I miss him and he told me he doesn't feel the same way for me at all and that he has lost his feelings for me slowly since a long time ago when I would be to weak to stand up to my roommate for him.

And now he is gone and I have been crying for two days now I can't sleep and I can't eat all I do is think about the good times we had and how much I miss him and all the times we spent in bed snuggling or cooking together.

I don't know what to do and I can't stop crying. I have no one to talk to about this and I feel my heart dying.

Comments for Was it all my fault?

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Jan 16, 2012
Thank you
by: Geena

Thank you Judith for your support. It get a little better every day but it still hurt a whole lot. I just hope that maybe one day he and I can be at the same maturity level and maybe be friends and make our time together mean something.

Jan 15, 2012
Not All Your Fault
by: Judith in California

Geena, you will feel sad for a while as long as you see only the good things but.. you must look at how selfish he really was and how controlling and demanding he was of you. Your education should come first and a secure , mature, understanding young man would see that.
Please look at this as a see him for what he really is. You had a sixth sense telling you something was not right from the beginning and next time I hope you listen to that inner voice. It's so important you go with the gut feeling like that.
I'll be willing to bet he has moved on to someone else.

You take charge of you and let no guy try and control you by coercion. That is what he did by his statement about your room mate.

Feel lucky he is gone and never lose your self respect for any guy again. Young girls are so foolish sending naked pitures of them selves to any one. Guys will share them no matter what they tell you.

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