Was My Life One Big Lie

by tt
(new york)

I was 16 when my husband came to my house with his cousin who was dating my sister. I was dating someone else but did notice him. A few months later his cousin called and asked if I would go to the movies with his cousin.
I did not want to let on how excited I was after saying no a few times I finally agreed. I could not tell you much about the movie because we spent most of the night kissing in the back seat.
He lived 35 minutes away so we saw eachother on the weekends and talked on the phone daily. He would stay the whole weekend. We would go to dinner and movies most of the time.
After dating for 7 years we got married and brought a house upstate quite a change from what i was used too. On the honeymoon he said how he hated it where we brought the house and decided to move back to long island. Times got tough had two homes and the renters were not paying rent. After being married only two years I had our first child.
At this time I found out my dad had cancer and only about a year to live. I did not receive much help from my husband taking care of our son, he always said it was a womans job.
I was also working fulltime midnight shift and his parents would take my son for the weekend while I was working to babysit. My son was four months old and I became pregnant with my daughter, a complicated pregnancy from the beginning pre eclampsia. With taking care of my son, working and seeing my dad did not leave much time for him or house cleaning. He always wanted an organized and clean house and I did not give that too him.

He always had his activities that he would do and was into hunting at the time. The day my father died he went hunting in the morning and promised he would be back by 10am so I could go see my father alone not having to take the kids who were 1 and 2 months old. He did not get back when he said he would and my father died alone in the hospital. I was filled with anger about this and blamed him because he did not do what he said he would.

He is a cop and he had a female partner that would call and talk to him about her personal life at 7am in the morning and then come by and sit outside with him while he was working on the cars. I did not like this and told him he had to get another partner. This caused many fights and he then said to me while I was pregnant with my daughter that he loved me but was not in love with me and wanted a divorce. I was very upset crying etc. Nothing ever was done.

I always wanted to go on vacations and would say it to him, but the only vacations we went on was with his family, and we went on two alone. The first time we went away we went with a couple from work, it was great to be able to just have no pressures of day to day and the kids. The only other time we went alone was 9 months before he asked for divorce. It was to Florida and it was very relaxing for me.
I felt like we were getting closer and he was understanding me more.

I always felt that we would grow old together, we were childhood sweethearts and I never thought I would be without him. Two years ago on our anniversay he went to get a touch up of a tattoe which has my kids names along with mine with his mother watching over us that took 7 hours to do on our anniversay. I was so hurt that he did this i threw a temper tantrum and told him I wanted a divorce. I thought this would wake him up and he would be like how could i loose her she is so important to me and i love her so much. We did not speak for a few weeks and then he read a book about love languages, I had a difficult time showing emotions and telling people I loved them. I would show my love by buying things or doing things for those I loved. I filled out a questionaire and he told me how important I was too him and that i he wanted our marriage to work and knows he did not always do things right.

I felt things were great, he was listening to me and i knew this by little gestures. When we went to AC I found this massage chair that I loved and that Christmas he brought one for me, I was so excited because this was not like him in the past. We also went to dinner and I had french pressed coffee and he went out and brought me one so i could have it at home.

The kids were older and driving more, I worked alot of hours and was not around alot because I got a new position he sent me the following email:"If you don't know by now I love and care for you more than words can describe. I know I have been a miserable son of a bitch over the last month or so, hell everyone knows. But we all know why, the reason was physical and I'm doing everything I can to correct it. That being said it seems that over the past six to eight months you have done just about everything to avoid spending time with me. I pushed you to go to day shifts so your body could begin healing itself through proper sleep, but you have completely nullified any benefits this would have afforded your body by working the number of hours that you have been working. I am hoping this is because you are just overwhelmed with the responsibilities of your new position and not because you would rather spend time at the Hospital than with me........You have been working this new position for a little over six months so one would think you would be into a groove by now???"

Four months later he started to become distant and I knew something was wrong i kept asking him and he said we would talk but never did. I finally called him at work and said that we needed to talk and that everytime we going to something came up and we never did, this is when he told me he wanted a divorce, I could not believe it I broke out crying my world was falling apart i became numb.

I asked him to stay and work on it for three months, he said he did not want to work on it. That he asked me for a divorce the second year we were married and should have left then. He stayed in the house for 2 months and then left. Two days after he left the house he took a woman he met at the gym out. and four weeks later i intercepted emails about how much they loved and missed one another while he was away on business and he could not wait to get back and be intimate with her.
He refused to go to marriage counseling and said that he did not feel intimate with me, that he would feel much more connected to other woman he just met even if it was just talking about the weather. He said he left his parents house and got married and wanted to be on his own. he said he was not leaving me for one woman that he only had two relationships and wanted to experience with many other woman. Well he went right into a serious relationship with this woman. He said that he did not break our marriag vows he respected me too much I dont know what to believe.

Our son did have a drug problem even started selling weed and my husband arrested him. I was behind him in doing this we had to save our son. He was smoking weed in the house and we threw him out several times.

My husband wants to file for a divorce in the next couple of weeks but I do not, I feel he might wake up and see I was the one for him. He said that will never happen, he is very happy with his new girlfriend n they share everything.
he feels as close to her as he ever felt we me and their relationship is better.

I have faith and have been praying to get my family back. I see the pain on my kids faces. I know that i did work alot and that we did go our separate ways but I want him so much.

I can not understand spending 30 years with a person how they can just do what he has done and not want to see if this relationship could work.

He wants me to move forward and said that he will never come back even if this new relationship does not last.

I am still hoping.

Both of us went to therapy alone different counselors and I have been working on why I don't show emotions and am growing and feel if he would just see this he might want to come back.

There are days I just want to stay asleep.

Do you think it is possible that he was unhappy for such a long time and i was unaware or did not see it. I know he was frustrated because I would not ride on his motorcycle because many years earlier he went 110mph with me on it. His car driving is speeding and in and out of traffic and I would complain about that too.
How does one move on when all they want is there marriage to work is it possible.

Comments for Was My Life One Big Lie

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Dec 24, 2011
Time to Let Go
by: Judith

TT, as hard as it is to do please let go . He is just abusing you emotionally. Why do you want him so bad ? He is not going to change no matter what you do or hope to achieve by hanging on and begging.

Save yourself from more hurt and anguish and tell him he is free to do as he wishes. Keep your guard up and be strong. Maybe by letting him go he will not feel so bound to flea. The harder you fight to keep him the more he wants to go. Then work on your not being able to show love.

You just can't keep on doing this. The height of insanity is doing the same thing day after day and expecting different results.

Get your strength up, Respect yourself and refuse to let him continue to treat you like this. Let him go.

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