We called him Pa

by Tricia

My dad & I  New Years 2007

My dad & I New Years 2007

My dad passed away on December 25th, 2010, Christmas night after having a wonderful Christmas with my sister, her husband and my two nieces. He wasn't feeling well that day, as he was just recently diagnosed with Congestive heart failure stage 3. The doctors were getting ready to put in a new pacemaker in the next couple weeks.

He said that he was feeling sick that afternoon, my sister called me to ask what she should do. I asked how he was doing at that moment? She said that he seemed better, and was sitting up, color had come back into his face. My dad got on the speaker phone and we spoke, he said that he was feeling much better, and that he didn't want to go to the hospital. My brother in law agreed, that since he was feeling better he probably didn't need to go to the hospital. I said ok, but if he started to feel bad again, that he was going no matter what. I Said I Love You Dad, and He said "I love you too" and we hung up.

An Hour later he collapsed on the floor, my brother in law ran upstairs and did CPR until the paramedics got there. They pulled him back in the ambulance, and once more again at the hospital. He died at 7pm. They told my sister that they did everything they could. She called and told me during our family christmas party.

I am still devastated and in shock, I feel soo guilty for not making him go to the hospital. The doctors think that he had a stroke. I can only console myself with the possibility that it may not have been preventable even if he had been hospitalized.

I feel like the hole in my heart won't go away. I hear people tell me things like it will get better, or he's in a better place. I don't want it to go away or get better, I don't want to forget. I know it sounds selfish but I want everyone to mourn with me. It makes me so mad that life goes on like nothing happened, that people's petty problems seem like nothing compared to the loss of a loved one. I of course realize that I am going through the different stages of grief, first one than another, then back again to the same one.

I have seen him laid to rest next to my grandpa, yet, I still feel like every older gentleman with grey hair looks like him from the back. I find it hard to believe he is gone somedays. He lived 600 miles away so I didn't see him but a couple time a year, but he called me faithfully every other day, sometimes every day. I am really missing his calls. I want to call my sister or brother but I am afraid to bring them down. If they are having a good day, I don't want to ruin it by calling and telling them how sad I am.

My husband told me that I needed to let go and forgive myself and my Dad for anything while I was saying goodbye to my Dad at the funeral home. I thought I did, but I still feel guilt and regret for not making him go to the hospital. I am hoping that writing about my dad will help me take a step towards forgiving myself, and dealing with the pain of loss, because I am not having much luck on my own. God bless all of you who are also dealing with your own loss and have stumbled onto this website like I did.

Comments for We called him Pa

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Apr 18, 2011
Thank you for your responses
by: Tricia

Thank you both for your response's. Knowing that someone has read about my dad gives me some peace. I feel for both of you in your loss. I will definitely pray for both of you to find some peace in your lives also. Losing your dad and grandma must be heartbreaking. I feel your loss, and do agree with your friends in that the pain lessens some, not all but some. God Bless you both!

Apr 01, 2011
Sudden loss
by: Anonymous

I lost my dad on 12/21/2010 suddenly too. He was 67. My mom woke up To my dad in the bathroom. When she asked from he door if he needed something he said no and said he was ok. 10 mins later he fell to the floor and was gone. My world is not the same nor will it ever be. I know how you feel. I am devastated and when I'm not crying I feel like I should be otherwise I don't miss him...strange really because he would not want me to it around and cry all day. I have 2 little girls and my oldest who is only 5 is now just starting to talk about grandpa and that makes me even more sad because he just didn't have enough time with him...nor did I. My friends that have lost a parent do say that the rawness will get better and I will get to an acceptance place. I pray we both find a day where we can enjoy our lives here on earth knowing that someday we will see our dads again! Take care....

Feb 08, 2011
so sorry
by: Melissa

Hi Tricia,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know how hard it is that the world is going on around you like nothing has happened. I lost my Grandmother, who was my best friend a 3 months ago. She raised me and was my anchor. So many times during the day, I wonder how in the world I am going on without her, just doing my everyday things, like going to work and such. I feel I am still in somewhat of a numb state. I miss her more than words can ever say. I know I will think of her each day many times for the rest of my life. I am still having a hard time accepting she is no longer in this world with me. I have been trying to read spiritual books and such to help me. Reading is a big comfort for me, and helps to get my mind elsewhere.
I too, don't want to bring others down, so hold a lot in. I find I even hold things in with my therapist, which totally doesn't make sense. I guess much doesn't make sense to me right now.

I am thinking of and praying for you. I understand this horrible uphill battle you are in, and at least in my case, no one seems to have a clue how I feel inside. Please write anytime, and again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

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