We Choose Our Spouse

by Pat J
(Lake Villa, IL)

Three months today!!! As I look back on the past three months, so many of the days have been just a blur. The moment the doctor said, "I'm sorry, there is nothing more we can do," my life turned upside down. The thought of my husband not making it through to his heart transplant was always in the back of my mind but I never really believed he wouldn't make it. We didn't plan for him to die. We never discussed what I would do if he didn't make it. He was the last person who thought he wouldn't make it. He was always so positive and upbeat.

My husband died. I read something another blogger wrote, "He died. He didn't leave us." That's right. My husband's tired body gave out. He would've never left us had he been given the choice.

My daughter-in-law said something to me last weekend that has really got me thinking. She said, "The loss of a spouse has to be crushing to a person's soul. They are the one person we choose in our life. We don't get to choose our parents, our siblings, our children. Our spouses are chosen by us." I said, "That's right". and my husband knew things about me that I know I will never share with any other person again in my life. It really hurts to lose that. He knew all of my flaws, dreams and secrets and I knew his.

I'm making tiny baby steps. My crying has gone from ½ the day to just a few hours now. I'm starting to "take care of business." Things I needed to do weeks ago are finally getting done.

I went to a grief meeting last week. It really helped to sit and talk with others who are going through the same thing. Grief is the price tag on love ~ the more we love the higher the price. I was blessed with the love of a good man in my life. The price I'm paying is high but the love I had with him is worth it.

I will get through this. Joe lives on in my handsome son, my beautiful daughter and my three fabulous grandsons. I love my daughter-in-law as I do my daughter. I have a future son-in-law that is so much like my husband, it's frightening. Needless to say, I love him too.
I've been very inspired by many of the posts on this site. I feel like I know some of you personally. I will continue to visit here for daily strength and renewal. Thank you all.