We HAVE come a long way baby to get where we've got to today. 2 years of grief.

by Hope

It's been a while since I have visited this site. I like to think that I am healing with time. I did have some rough moments when I hit the 2 year mark. It was rough accepting the fact that it has been that forever ago yesterday that I lost the Love of my life.

But then I went to visit my kids in CA (Well the kids that are in CA.) and for the first time in years I felt a deep contentment within that I have not felt in 3 years or more. Before Paul's Illness and death. But I know that I am making progress. Not like the one step forward and 3 steps back that was the first year of grief. Or the blinding realization that grief goes not just disappear after having endured it for the first year or even months after that.

I used to go to this site every day, I had too it was the only string that was holding my sanity in place. I am sure without the support here I would NOT have made the progress that was so very hard to make. I slowed down and finally stopped coming here. I was grateful for all the help and support that I had received . Yet reading others grief brought me back to a place that I did not want to return to. A place of pain never ending.

I think that we all must endure the mind bending pain of grief. It must be worked through in our own way and there is no better place than here to be. I have been to a few grief meetings but none have given me the feeling that they "Get it" Only here was a safe place to be and I thank you for being here through the rough times.

All the 2 year widows know who they are we wrote and cried till surely there was nothing left.
I did have a melt down today. A memory hit me unexpectedly. Had I thought I was immune to that. Thought I had come too far for that. But I did make it through surprised by my sudden tears. We will all make it leaning on each other for strength. And for that...I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Comments for We HAVE come a long way baby to get where we've got to today. 2 years of grief.

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Jan 26, 2012
We have come a long way baby
by: Mari

Hi Hope. I think of you often and always remember how encouraging you have been. How are you doing? It has been 2 yrs and 2 months since my husband went to be with the Lord. I know you understand the intense memories that have a way of cropping up at various times.I went through some of that lately.I was depressed thinking of the time we shared.As you know these thoughts tend to come and go and we are forced to go on.
I stay busy here and on my part time job and just rely on the Lord.My family looks out for me too. I savor the joys of having a little one year old great granddaughter who gives kisses now and is always overjoyed to see me.My husband would have adored that little girl.
Everything was breaking here, things my husband would have fixed fast. It was the central heating unit, the dishwasher and garbage disposal, you name it.And you know we were taken care of by husbands that took care of all that stuff. At any rate I pray that you are doing alright.I think I am alright but will always miss that man. Take care. Mari

Jan 26, 2012
2 yrs of grief
by: Jenny

Hi Hope,

Im now into my 4 yr without my
Everything u have said i agree with
My life is moving on now with a sense
of contentment. I certainly am in a much
better place now.
Again without this site and the support
of everyone on it I doubt I would be here.
I still read many many of the blogs and put
myself back to when i was there and we understand
it all.
At two yrs i remember writing about hitting an
iceberg, but that melted and we just keep going.
Thank u hope for all ur support. You were really
are undoubtedly a huge help to me as we traveled
our early stages of grief.
Im so glad and happy ur doing ok..I hope everyone
as they continue to travel this unwanted journey may eventually find some contentment.

thank u to u all...

Jenny xx

Jan 14, 2012
The new normal


Your comment really brought me back to another time. About a year ago, when I had passed the year mark. I guess like most I thought if I made it that "magic" date the one year anniversary I would be o.k. Nothing could be further from the truth. The first year is full of well...firsts. surviving not only days but special days without the ones that we loved and lost.

It was about that time that the real actual reality of this is it hit. Yeah I know you know that they are dead. a word so hard so say in the beginning a self flogging word to bring on the pain, thinking that it might actually make it happen faster quicker.

I went to my first grief meeting before the 2 year mark. Thinking that somehow I should be done with the pain. Someone asked the direct question...Is the 2nd year any easier? I did not know how to tell them the truth. The second year you find out how strong you really are as you begin to set up another life for yourself. One that is foreign and strange without the very person that was half of you and who you were. Yet it is a year of self discovery and independence. The anger that was so present in the first year begins to subside. You no longer look at other loving couples pissed that they have what you once did. The unfairness of it all. It stings a little less and you look at couples more like, yeah I had that once.

And you begin to realize that through all the pain, you would real have preferred to loved and lost than to never to have loved at all. Words that once brought such anger I wanted to hit the person that said it. All the blunders of wisdom that people fling at you begin to make sense. It is just that we were not ready for anything that forgives death. And makes us a widow. A horrible work that might as well mean alone in love.

Wishing you the best as you get through the 2nd year. Hoping that everyone here can make the progress that I thought impossible.

Jan 14, 2012
May you continue to keep taking those forward steps
by: Eunice

It has been a while since I have been to this site as well. Though I don't know you, I hope and pray that you continue on forward. I just passed the 1 yr mark on Nov. 21st of 2011 of losing my beloved husband. I am still fighting with the take a step forward fall back 3. Some days grief overwhelms me to the point of completely debilitating me. I'm trying to stay away from any kind of meds for depression. Instead, I go to a monthly counseling called "Healing Hearts" through hospice. I also got back into going back to church. Both have helped. Now I just have to get myself a job, something to get out of the house for a few hours. For as bad as it may sound, but since losing him, I pretty well have made myself a prisoner in my house. I am trying to improve that by going and seeing a couple of people. There are still a lot of days where just the simplest thing will send me into tears and I guess that's why I prefer to stay at home. I listened to too many people that told me after the 1st year it's all downhill on the grief, well they were definitely wrong. May God bless you and keep you moving forward.

Jan 13, 2012
we have come a long ways
by: Mari

Hi all you wonderful ladies. We have indeed come a long ways. Now it is time to start over and it appears we are doing that. I am starting to get enthused about my classes coming up in April. I get paid while in class, work first, off to Fresno for classes and back to do the other half of my shift. My grandchildren visited last night and we had fun.
The Lord has been with us all the way. I feel pretty good today.
My 85 yr old mother who lives out of state is relieved that I am doing better and may God bless all of you, my friends on this site. The past two years were quite terrible but have passed. I will always miss that man of mine. Take care. Mari

Jan 13, 2012
A road well travelled
by: Zoe


you and I have been walking this road, or should I say stumbling down this road, for what seems to be forever. Funny sometimes it was yesterday, sometimes I have been a widow all my life.

I am glad you are finding peace. I am like you, I don't come a often as I used to, but I comment more. I think that is part of what this site offers us, a chance to reach through our own pain and help others like us.

Here we are weak, we are honest, we scream we cry we shake our fists at the universe. But we know, always that there is someone listening, who truly understands.

Although each of us travel this road our own way, we travel it together. Linked arm in arm, trying not to let the one next to you fall. I can say personally you have propped me up many times.
and I offer you my eternal thanks.

Even now, we cry, even now we feel the pain of our loss. The adjustment to this thing this death is a work in progress..

I am sure, that you will continue to find your inner strength, because you will always have Pauls' love.

One Step, One Breath, One day at a time.....

Jan 13, 2012
Long way come and holding
by: Judy


Thank you for your beautiful post expressing how it feels for us to realize that we have made to two years, changed, battered but still standing. I feel like you and I have traveled this road together, almost holding hands as we were knocked along in the reality of widowhood. I try not to think of myself as a widow now but as a single woman of a certain age, enjoying this part of my life and making the most of each day because I know how precious each day is. I am forever changed as I am sure you are also.

I also spent the holidays in CA with my kids and the sense of contentment was there for me as well. It didn't matter what we were doing, the point was I had this precious time with them and I savored it-life was okay and it will be okay.

My love and blessings to you. We have truly come a long way.


Jan 13, 2012
You've Come A Long Way....
by: TrishJ

It's good to hear from you to know you are doing well. As I've said before you are such an inspiration to me.
The holidays were hard for me. I only want to feel like I'm actually living again. Half of me feels dead. I know I'm making some progress but most days I just feel that empty void and don't really care too much about anything.
I don't know why I thought that with the one year mark relief would suddenly appear. I know now (thanks to you) I have more work to do.
I have to learn to let go of things that I can't change and focus on today. I'm dwelling too much on yesterday and the life I used to have.
I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed the holidays. Life is good if we let it be. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. We will always love and miss our husbands but life does go on.
Thank you again Hope. God bless.

Jan 12, 2012
We have come a long way baby to get where we've got today. 2 years of grief
by: jules

Hope - you post says all that I am feeling, the two year mark was not at all good, but I think it was a corner turning point.
Like you, I am content, mostly. Getting on with life.
I, too, thank all those on this site who have helped me get to this place, without you I would have never got here. I don't come on as often now, just have a look now and then, but it has been my lifesaver.
Take care all of you,

Jan 12, 2012
Coming Along Too
by: Judith in California

Dear Hope, I'm so glad you have reached a peaceful place . I so much prefer the word "Content" in place of happy. I always told my husband I was contented with our lives. It was a good place to be and a good feeling.

Like you, and for the same reason, I have to stay away and not read of so much grief so instead I reply to lost relationships instead.

I am at the stage to where I relive so many of the days that led up to Chuck's death. I didn't even get to cry when I found him on the floor after falling and fracturing his skull because I jumped in with both feet and took over. I never had time then to mourn the loss of each thing that went away so quickly like our ability to make love, go dancing, go out to dine without me feeding him, to walk together without him being in a wheelchair. Just everything a couple does that is taken for granted.

I know I've come a long way too in 15 months and surely would not have done so without your help and the help of others on this site. It's too bad we all can't meet and hug each other and do something fun.

In your reaching peace means God has answered my prayers for you as I pray for each and every one of us.

Stay in touch.

Jan 12, 2012
Coming a long way
by: M Mack

Hi Hope,

Thank you for the update and glad you are doing well. You know from time to time, I think about and wonder how the people who supported me when in need are doing. You are one of the survivors who truly related when I hit rock bottom. I consider many on this site my "grief loss family."

It has been 18 months since my love was taken and I am finally starting to get back into life. Although I did what I could to help myself, I needed the words of comfort from you and others who traveled this path. Some of your posts even made me laugh through tears. I appreciate the help I have received from you and others and will continue to keep all in my prayers for strength and comfort to go forward. Sending hugs and glad to hear of your progress. It truly means a lot knowing life goes on and we will come a long way baby!

Jan 12, 2012
For Hope
by: Mari

Hope, you are one precious soul. You truly understand. The 2 years have been difficult but with God's help we are getting through. I too have had some rough moments because I sure miss my husband. I am accepting the fact that he is with the Lord.
Well, Hope, I must tell you all I have done is work the 2 jobs and redo the house and visit with my family here.Memories just have a way of coming up and keeping busy helps me.I am thankful for the life I had with my husband and am very thankful for my family. The little great granddaughter just turned a year old and believe me no one can be sad around that little sweetheart.
My grandchildren are a blessing. They miss their grandpa, the ones that are old enough to remember.
I hope you had a nice time time with your children in CA. I am in Calif but born in Maryland and have visited often.
I am reminded of things when I read posts and my heart goes out to those who are still going through the awful journey we have come through.
Yesterday my daughter from LA and I were talking on the phone about my son and his family in San Antonio TX. Then my daughter said,''Mom. Lets plan a trip there.''We started discussing it and are planning the trip for May. April I have the other half of my classes in Fresno for my DSP required for my job. That is a month long. Then off we go to San Antonio.This is the first time I felt so excited about anything since the great grand baby came.We are going to start saving now.
My boss was happy to hear about our plans as she knows all I have been through with the loss of my husband.She sure is a wonderful person.
Take care of yourself and thank you for always being here for us.I have my moments too as you do but it looks like we are coming along better.It is a God thing to be sure.You have been a great source of encouragement to everyone. I look at my husband's picture and say thank you Lord for the time I did have him. We are making it Hope.If we look back we can see that we have made progress.It sure has been difficult but we have called on inner strength we did not know we had. God bless you.

Jan 12, 2012
Come a long way
by: Pat J.

Dear Hope,
Thank you for your comments. It is 6 months, the love of my life died. It seems like just yesterday and then again it feels like forever. This grief of ours is awful, yet I know we all will make it in time
I was fortunate to join a grief support group though my church and I have bonded with three other widows and as we say, we all get it. I will forever grieve the loss of my husband, but I have 3 new girlfriends who understand everything, oh so well. We all grieve differently and handle our grief different, yet we all understand. Understanding is something we all need at this time.
I come to this site everyday. I read other posts and I can relate to so much and reading your post gives me hope I will make it one day at a time God Bless You'
I was married 46 years on June 26,2011. My husband died June 27th. I dated him at age 15 and married at 18, so for the first time in my life at age 64, I am now learning to live my life by myself. We have 5 adult children who are here for me but they do have their own lives. I have amazing grandchildren who miss their Papa terribly, but they are just children and their life goes on; mine is forever changed.

Jan 12, 2012
Thanks for droppng in, again!
by: Marilyn

Hi Hope, You don't know me but I remember reading your comments when I started coming here last year.
You were one of my mentors during my grief process and gave me hope to hang in there, even though I didn't know where there was.
Reading everyone's comments helped prepare me for what to expect and why everything seemed so weird.
I had a really good day last week and felt like I had just popped out of a shell and told myself, "Yes, you are going to be OK!". I even started redecorating a room. Too bad it fizzled out...
At least coming here, I know these days will be ahead for me and more frequently, eventually.
Please drop in, occasionally, and let us know how you're doing. We need that! Hopefully you will be too busy & content to do that on a regular basis.
We'll take what we can get.
Thanks, Marilyn

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