We Know We are Getting Better When.........

by TrishJ
(Chicago)

My daughter Michelle and her Dad

My daughter Michelle and her Dad

I saw something on this site that made me do some real soul searching. One of our fellow grievers made the comment that he was searching for a new normal after losing his wife. For now the only normal I know is my husband (7 weeks now).
I remember graduating from high school (I was a young 17) and being terrified of what lay ahead for me. The thought of venturing out on my own was beyond frightening. That's exactly where I am right now. I'm going out on my own (only it's 41 years later).

I read an article yesterday entitled, We Know We are Getting Better When.........
You look forward to getting up in the morning~
The roles left by our loved one is being filled by ourselves or others~
You feel confident again and are in touch with your new identity~
You can accept things as they are and not try to keep things as they were~
It feels good to remember~
You can drive somewhere on your own without crying all the time~
You can look forward to and enjoy holidays~
The music you shared with the one you lost is no longer painful to listen you (actually enjoyable again)~
You are less sensitive to comments people make~
You can acknowledge your new life and be thankful for the personal growth you have attained through grieving~

I don't know. I flunk on all of the above. I'm looking forward to the day that I can actually say those things are true. I'm that 17 year old girl all over again. I did it once so I'll pray for the strength to do it again. And as always.....one breath, one step at a time.
Oh...PS....Go Bears!!

Comments for We Know We are Getting Better When.........

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Jan 20, 2011
We know we are getting better when......
by: Linda(Quebec)

thank you so much trish for posting this...........
I am only 4 weeks and five days into my new "norm". Like so many others I expect him to come home soon as he has gone away somewhere (like that would ever happen, he always told me where he went).

I am finding all the comments on here so reassuring because it shows me that how I feel is "normal". I am amazed that I never knew that all of us feel the same, no matter where in the world we live, when we have lost our husbands, wives, children, friends, until it happened to me.

I want you all to know that by sharing your thoughts, fears, feelings you are all helping my healing process...............
thank you for that!

Jan 20, 2011
Getting better when
by: Lyn Ann

Trish - first of all this is a beautiful photo.

thanks for the list. I'm going to print it out and put it on my fridge - sort of like an eventual to-do list...

Today I changed the shower head in the bathroom all by myself. I think that may qualify as #2 but that second point seems to be the easy one. I'm nowhere close to being able to do the others. Still it is nice to realize that this list will describe us someday.
God bless, Lyn Ann

Jan 20, 2011
Hope This Helps
by: Anonymous

Just read your article and wanted to let you know,
there are SO many of us. I lost my Daisy (you can find her by doing a general search "My Daisy"), in Jan 2010.

I just also lost my Dad in Dec. Still, there is a reason we have to keep strong. For ourselves, our children, and our Loved one's memory. Daisy was my life, my reason for happiness, then we were told she had the worst type of cancer, and I had to anticipate her death from an early prognosis.

I don't know whether it would have been easier to not know that she had almost no hope for a long survival, or not, but I can say, we are all in this together. Someday we will see our Loved one's again, in a better place, and a better time.

Time sometimes is not the great healer it is said to be, but I am at the point, where I realize, God brought Daisy to me, for this I have to be thankful for. You will have peace, and hopefully, happiness, at a certain point. Please know there are those of us, that DO have a heart, and care. God Bless You, and your family.. Bruce :)

Jan 20, 2011
we know we are getting better when....
by: jules

I too am looking for a new "normal" 14 months down the track -just when I think I am getting there, something happens to push me back down again - I find that I am crying in the mornings, waking up in the early hours, feeling very alone.

And I have come to the realisation now that I know for certain John isn't coming back, and I think I have come to terms with that - but I am just so lonely, so alone. I don't know what to do about this.

I keep myself busy, I meet a lot of people, have coffee etc., I have my daughter and my grandsons, my lawn bowls club, and the lovely people there, but it is not enough - I don't have that person to just talk with, to comment about on things on the TV, to know how I like my tea, discuss what to eat, make plans with, have a cuddle with, and yes to make love with. It is the intimacy I miss more than anything I think, and this site is one of the only times I can say these things, so thank you for listening.
jules

Jan 20, 2011
Trying...
by:

Trish,

Thank You so much for "We know we are getting better when..."

I am trying to get there. And there is much improvement as far as taking over "His" responsibilities. Trying to go out on little outings for my son. I really feel that he has been cheated losing his dad, December before last and me being pretty much absent from the human race for a year now.

I am trying to give a damn. I know that I cannot go through the remainder of my life sighing and wishing what cannot be. I don't cry at the drop of a hat but that does not mean that I do not feel grief.

Today I had to cash a $22.00 check for car insurance made out to the estate of_____________
I just wanted to leave while they found out if I needed to sign my name. I had to sign his too above mine. Things like that really kick in. It does not bring me to tears but sure makes me recall what I lost and Still Love.

Any way Thank you so much....There is not a lot of reading material on the acceptance part of grief. And in my opinion (trying to) starting over is almost as bad as losing him to begin with...
HH
HH

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