We lost our only child of 28. Still waiting for answers.

by Denise
(Missouri )

We had the best baby, child, teenager, young adult. With her being an only child, she was always more mature than her peers, or at least more mature than most. Good work ethics. Yes we spoiled her, but she always gave back. I remember when she was in elementary school, coming home after closing the shop to make dinner. I'd look in the pantry, no food...I'd ask her the first couple of times after her cleaning pantry out, donating our food to the needy,"please honey, tell Mommie the next time, it's wonderful that you donate, but make sure we have something to eat tonight". She'd smile, those beautiful Caribbean blue eyes would twinkle. I was so proud of her! She always help her dad and I when possible. Not one lazy or selfish bone in her body. As she became of age, she started donating blood, we both have a B-type, but can't remember if it's negative or positive. She always had the longest, prettiest hair, anyone had ever seen, she'd grow it out, donate it to Locks for Love. She knew she could sell her blood & hair, but she was always thinking how she could help make a difference in this world. Her love of animals, I'd never seen anything like it. Most children pass the buck when it comes to taking care of her rescued animals. Always a zoo in our home, Dad could get frustrated at times, but we enjoyed every minute, she loved them all. Made sure they were bathed, had all shots, food, taught them tricks. Her little feral kitty, I do have to take the credit of teaching her how to walk on a leash. She'd look at me and say "Mom, I just can't be as firm with them as you", it always worked out fine. I went thru her break ups of a few boyfriends. She was never sad, she'd tell me, I gave them a chance, it just didn't work. One, I'm not going to support a man, besides I like my animals.. Did she ever! She always rescued cats and rabbits. I know I'm her mother, but I can tell you this, other than the neglectful dr, I've NEVER known of one adult who didn't cherish her. She was witty. She could dish it out, and she could take it! When I moved her back to my native state fours years ago, I couldn't even begin to believe all the friends she'd made, the same with her, she couldn't believe how many relatives she had, remarkable! We won't know the facts of how she passed, until we get the total autopsy results. It's driving me crazy! Not knowing. Everyone seems to think it was from a recent head injury. We don't know how long she'd gone, before she was found, thank goodness for her great work ethics. When she was a no call no show, her supervisor sent someone to the house. They called 911. The forced entered thru the back door. The investigator and the Medical Examiner really messed up. They told us we had a healthy young girl that died of natural causes! What? That doesn't make any sense! When I asked them about her head injury, they said, "Well.....That changes everything". I should think so!?! I wish we'd known more about concussions and Post traumatic Concussion Syndrome. The last time they scanned her brain was Nov 10th. She went back to see the dr in January. Not once did anyone say anything about taking precautions with flying. Not once was it suggested that she needed physical therapy. All I can still hear every waking moment and in my sleep, is what that specialist said, "She's angry"! I'm thinking, yes, I'd be angry also if I had an elephant memory, and had lost 6 weeks of her memory. She flew up to see us, when I picked her up she said she was still under his care, she was starting to have or get twitches, short term memory loss. We & her attorney told her not to wait six months to go back to the dr, but as soon as she returned, to see him immediately! She never had the chance. For I didn't know, except that her wallet was gone, she had 3 transactions she didn't make on her Debit Card. I didn't realize that whoever took her card, had to know her. Had to be with her, the night of the concert she went to see with an old co worker. Someone took her card, knew her pin, took all her money within 6 minutes. Such a big mess! The police arrested her for DUI/DWI, which all came back negative. This town had no case against her! It was from her injury. She was worse than when she first had the concussion. Same symptoms, only worse! And with her being falsely arrested, (she's NEVER been in trouble), oh yes, she WAS very ANGRY! Being young, no will, etc, I'll have to go into probate, me and of course her Dad are the closest relatives. Nobody will give me info to identify the person who robbed her. There's big fights around the corner. I just want justice! This all started with negligence of a motel, and total neglect of a dr. I'm so angry! In this day and age, there's not one place u can go to, I NEED to scream, hit, wail away! This pain is so terrible I can't explain it! My baby went thru pure torture the last few days of her life, then she laid down, (we assume) went to bed with her kitties, never woke up. I beat myself up, why didn't I drive her back, maybe if I was there I could of helped her. It breaks, no shatters my heart! Why is it the good ones? I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, but I just don't understand. I want to get back, so at least I can be 30 miles away from her, instead of 1500 miles. Mother's Day was very hard, she was a Mother's Day Baby. Now Memorial Day is coming up. I'll ask a friend, if I ordered flowers, would they put them on her grave. I wish I had the $ to put a slab and a monument up, I'm praying, praying for a miracle! They happen! I want to start a foundation in her name helping animals. If I don't get involved with something that we both shared, I feel as if I'm going to fade away with
a shattered heart. These are trying times. This is when her dad and I should be pulling together. I'm afraid it's going in the opposite direction. Almost 32 years of marriage could be lost. He's just so
mean to me. It's not that he blames me, or maybe he does?I really don't know anymore. I'm 1500 miles away from my family. I didn't want to come back up where he resides. At this time, he sounded like he needed me. In my opinion, "Misery Loves Company"! Today, I am having a pity party! I lost my little girl, I want her back! In reality, I know it won't happen until it's my time for God to let me be with her. I never lost my faith. It's become stronger! I just can't go on like this, I'm loosing everything. Mainly me...... It's like I feel I have nothing to live for, nothing in this life. If I can find a purpose, I know that'd help. I just hope the original Medical Examiners aren't the same ones that are redoing/doing the total autopsy. I think it'll help to how how and why. I'm just lost at this time. It's so hard for me to be here. I just want to go and be where she's interred. If I'd stayed for Mother's Day, her Birthday, I'd been camping out there beside her. It was bad enough when she moved after graduation. That empty nest syndrome was bad. This is pure torture. I pray to God, please help me thru one more day. Please let someone give me an answer. I hope this works, telling my story, I'm reading stories others have written. My heart beaks for them too.

Comments for We lost our only child of 28. Still waiting for answers.

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Mar 06, 2012
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain and grief. We are here not by choice but by providence. Take heart, don't loose hope. You still have a lot to contribute to the society. Join a support group. Be part of some religious groups if you are a christian. Keep busy , doing other things apart from self pity.
You still have a life. This will honour the memory of your loved one. Accept my sympathy
We love you but GOD loves you more

May 27, 2011
by: Lesley Couzens (South Africa)

Denise, I also lost my son at 24yrs old, he was knocked off his motorbike by a drunk pedestrian, he was killed instantly. As you, we did not have that chance to say goodbye, one minute he was there the next he was gone without any warning. It will 3 yrs on 17 August 2011. I joined a support group for mothers who have lost children (Angel Mums), I don't know what I would have done without their support and love. I also tried to kill myself and almost succeeded. The only thing I can tell you is that you learn to cope with the pain, it never goes away the pain will be with you forever. Your child was a part of you and your love for your child is very different to that of a father, sibling etc. I still cry everyday and wish that I could have him back, even if it is just for a moment.
Search the internet to find a group in your area, it is the best thing that I ever did. You can also email me if you wish, I am happy to support you, although I live in South Africa. My email address: lesley.couzens@yahoo.com.
You are now an Angel Mum, hang in there, all the Angel Mum's out there will always be there for each, you are not alone.
Kind regards,
Lesley Couzens
Angel Mum
South Africa

May 24, 2011
Thanks for reading my grief
by: Denise

I just got back to the house. Sat in my car, screamed and cried! I'm going thru the big anger emotion and crying emotions. When I'm like this, I can't talk to anyone. I'm mad at the system, neglectful people, who don't want accept responsibility and the big one are THE GREEDY DR's..... But, the accident did happen, the autopsy not in, the attorney's want to see if it was a wrongful death suit, to add to the other. I can't even think straight. I came back up to MO because my husband was having problems. I won't even get into the misery loves company ordeal. I want to go back home, where she lived with me, I could feel her spirit and presence. I don't feel it here. She couldn't stand it. It's hard for me to be here, all/everything I kept, from the clothes I brought her home from the hospital, plus other pieces, etc. Her lock of hair, little shoes, her favorite books, toys, stuffed animals, and her photos. So many. So
Much. June 3rd will be 3 months since they found her. No autopsy results yet. It was explained to me by a dr who understands how the brain works. And since the medical examiner messed up the first, he said they should absolutely be doing the correct job, but the brain's so complicated, it's going to take longer than what they said. This will do me good, and I'm trying to find a bereavement group in both states. If my husband could find a good job where I'm from, we'd be gone. But I have some mysteries to solve here, that can keep me busy with somethings. I really can't do anything until I take it to probate, since she didn't have a will. My business, don't want to do it. I can't at this time handle the pressure, I can't think straight. I'm going to try to find a part time job. A place that's flexible. Right now, not so worried about being suicidal, more worried about being found all 4's up from a shattered heart. I think a parent could die from the grief of loosing an only child. We were so close, but we had respect for each other. I know she's in good hands. She was so happy, I wasn't and probably won't even except that I won't see her until I'm called home. I don't like days like today, plus it's dark and gloomy(doesn't help. I thank everyone for your support. But it just seems like I'm in a corner licking my wounds. I'll let y'all know how I'm doing later. Thanks for hearing me out.

May 22, 2011
by: Brenda Richison

Denise, first off, my advice is to seek out group counseling. They are free usually and the group covers grief,and anything anybody may be experiencing in their life. Your daughter is in Gods hands now. A sweet angel, just like my son, Clayton "Chunk" Richison. Age 26 when he picked up a 9mm and shot himself on his front porch. He left 2 brothers,me,my Mom, a wife and 2 little girls. I used up every emotion known to humans, then I was court-ordered to a group therapy for 3 mths. I feel the dread coming over me already. The anniversary date is July 8, 2004. It'll be 7 long yrs. I tried to cut my wrists at his grave one day, but the knife was to dull. I drank a gallon of tequila, took Valium and Klonopin, and found myself in a psych-ward 3 days later. I found this web-site last yr., and 2 others also. Today I still read every new entry and offer what I can, may it be my history or advice that I've learned from group. I feel your pain, because I believed that Chunk's friend shot him, but it was covered up. I wasn't able to do anything, due to dead-end trails. One day I was writing to this web-site again and I admitted that it was suicide. That was the breakthrough for my next step of healing. Sure, it'll always be upmost in your mind and heart. You'll find times you'll cry as if it happened that day. I'm not going to tell you it's an easy road or there's a time limit. Or say time will help, because every person heals differently. I can tell you that one day, you'll find it easier to bear. At least, 7 yrs. later, I find it a little easier sometimes. But, without the support of this web-site, and my group counseling, I'd eventually found a way to die also. Thats how bad I was. Willing to leave my 2 boys alone to be with my middle child. I'm gonna give you my e-mail address brichison1@yahoo.com and if you need someone to talk to, e-mail me. I check my mail every a.m. and I'm online till early a.m. hrs. So, feel free to contact me. Try to find a therapy group, stay on this web-site, and remember she's in heaven now, not hurting no more. She never wanted to leave, but it was her calling. And she doesn't like you to hurt this way. So, take care, Denise. I hope I've somehow have helped you. Bye for now...Brenda Richison

May 22, 2011
I understand
by: Ginger


I understand what you are going through. I lost my precious daughter, age 23 on September 18, 2010. The autopsy took 5 months. She was a picture of health, had a severe headache, went to the doctor. He gave her migraine medicine she died that night. She had a brain cyst, that could have been discovered if only the doctor would have done a CT. I understand your anger and all the emotions that you are having. I will be praying for you. It is hard, very, very hard. Be good to yourself and take it one breath at a time.

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