We Were Triplets

by Nicole

Before I was born, I was a triplet. We were all fraternal, and they were both boys, making me the only girl. It took me years to fully even be able to recollect the events, as it's extremely difficult to remember anything before one's birth, but I remember having suspicions as early as age 5 (I'm 17, soon to be 18 now). I had found a VHS tape of an ultrasound my mom had done when she was pregnant, I believe it was her only one. I was watching it with my dad, and I remember pointing out that it looked like there was another arm and hand behind me. Both my arms and legs were fully visible, so I was really confused. My dad said it was probably just static or something, and I believed him. Unfortunately, I don't think we still have the tape, so I can't go back and check. My mom has also told me, though, that her doctor heard two heartbeats not long before the ultrasound. When I was 10, I started having "dreams" of before I was born, but I later realized they weren't dreams. They couldn't have been, as sometimes I'd see them when I was awake, too. I realized they had to be memories, but they're different than most memories, probably because before birth one's brain is underdeveloped. But, anyway, I remember my brother, Xander, passing away first. It was really early in the pregnancy, judging by the way he and Xavier, my other brother, looked and from pictures I've seen online. It was strange, because it was almost as if we knew he wasn't going to survive until birth. All three of us were totally at peace with it, and it was actually a very calm experience. Then, what must have been several weeks later, Xavier died. This time, it was totally different. He was in pain, I could tell, and then that instant where he died - I had this horrible pain in my chest, a pain I still get while thinking about it. He wasn't supposed to die, and I don't think I'll ever understand why he did. I still won't talk about it with my parents - I think that, most likely, they just don't know that my brothers ever existed. We're a pretty open family, and I don't think they would have hid it from me. But, because they don't seem to know, I don't think they'd believe me if I tried to bring it up, or else it would just upset them, and I don't want them to have to grieve like I've had to. I also think that losing them really gave me a sense of death long before my peers. I remember making plans of how to escape a gunman at my school if a shooting ever occurred as early as Kindergarten, or planning what I would do if I ever got kidnapped, etc. I have lots of anxiety to this day, although a good portion of it is genetic I'm sure some of it has to do with losing my brothers so early in life. The older I get, the more at peace with it I am, but I'll be graduating high school in 6 months, and I can't help but wish that they could be there, walking by my side. But I try to remind myself that, no matter what, they're always here with me.

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Dec 22, 2012
We Were Triplets
by: Doreen U.K.

Nicole you will know your parents well and know if it would cause too much anxiety to bring up all the facts around your mom's pregnancy before you were born and if you would get the answers you need?
You could go and see a grief counsellor or a psychologist/counsellor and talk over these issues. There is a possibility that you could resolve a lot of this anxiety in a counselling room without the need to broach the subject with your parents. This might sound odd to say. But it is possible. If however you took this route and you still felt uneasy then you would be better off confronting your parents with how you feel and that you didn't want to hurt them but that you are hurting by not knowing the truth about your brother's. They might understand due to your feelings in the womb, and how you feel now about the whole matter. You will never know. If you don't do this now, if your parents should die you would suffer all your life for not taking the opportunity when you had it. See a counsellor first and this may be all you need to do to resolve how you feel. Best wishes.

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