Weary Soul

by aj

It will be three weeks tomorrow, 10-5-10, since I lost my true love. We never had our time together. We were planning for a future that, while we knew there were going to be some health issues for him, our love was going to carry us thru. But suddenly, he is gone. And the sadness is overwhelming.

We were co-workers who found safety in our friendship and then our love. I am so weary. I have physical pain that I deal with everyday. While I have medication, I have always feared getting dependent on them, so I deal with the pain the best I can.

My daughter and her husband with three young boys have moved into my home. He was laid off his job and can't find any work that pays much. She can't work because her oldest son is Autistic and her time and energy is devoted to taking care of him. My parents are elderly, my dad just recently becoming blind after an illness. He is depressed and is failing in health fast. I try to be there for awhile each day to do what I can do for them.

I have a full time job that involves numbers plus I work for a national chain preparing taxes during tax season. I will be in my 12th year of that. Unfortunately, there are certification exams and course hours to fulfill before the end of the year. I am having a hard time concentrating on anything at the moment.

I am highly involved in my church but limit my time to a one hour Bible Study during the week and my Sunday duties. I just can't do more. I feel so tired. My soul feels as if I can't go on another day. I have started counceling but it is only once a week and while she is nice, so far it hasn't been a lot of comfort or help.

After the first week of my sorrow, it's like all my friends have vanished. They no longer want to hear about my pain. I try not to over burden anyone. While I express my feelings, I try and not dwell on them with anyone. I know they really don't know what to say. But I feel as if I'm ready to explode.

How do I go on with all I have to do and still go thru this horrible process of healing? A real part of me wants to give up. I've found myself crying out to God to just take me and give me some peace. My mind knows I will survive. I will go on. But right now, my heart says otherwise.

I read about so many of you who have lost your spouses of a lot of years. I just don't know how you are handling it. My heart goes out to all of you. Each night I take the time to pray for everyone on this site that is going thru what I am going thru.

I hope that the Peace of God can find each of us and that we are at some point able to feel it. I appreciate having a place to come to where I feel safe in expressing what I'm feeling without judgment. Thank you all.

Comments for Weary Soul

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Oct 05, 2010
Losing a mate
by: Carlos

The only consolation I have for u is that u had him for a while. Be happy for all the good memories you had together. You must have loved each other very much. U will join him one day and you will be with him for all eternity.

Life continues and let that be your focus. Giving of yourself is a blessing. You have the gift of loving others who r suffering. God will bless you for being who u r.

Oct 05, 2010
weary soul
by: Mari

I know it feels like it you will never heal but you will. It is just a gradual process. A day at a time. You sure have a lot on your plate right now and need a little time to yourself. Every day I ask God to get me through.
Next month will be a year since my sweetheart left me to go with the Lord.My birthday is Nov 20th and we had plans for my birthday and he passed away on Nov 22, He was too sick to carry out the plans he had for my birthday.
All the kids are coming to be with me on my birthday and we will gather at the gravesite for a memorial service.
I think of the great grandchild due on Dec 26th and how my husband adored the grandchildren. It will be a little girl. I can just imagine the joy my husband would have felt and how he would be telling everyone about his new great granddaughter.
I got a big ficus to place behind ''grandpas's chair''. I can still hear him saying,''sweetheart, that looks beautiful.'' He loved it when I decorated and painted.
I still miss him and cannot imagine loving anyone else. I am still sad but keep myself busy.I ask God to give me joy because I did have my husband for 18 yrs and he just lavished love on my family. Only the Lord can bring joy in times of great sorrow.Yesterday I saw one of the police officers who was at the house the day my husband passed away and I told him he was over due for a hug. The police were wonderful and comforting.
So how do I go on? I just keep going day by day.I feel my husbands presence and feel comforted.
Give yourself time. This grieving process is not an easy road. Take care.

Oct 05, 2010
weary soul
by: jules

Don't feel alone, don't feel overwhelmed, you need to take time to grieve - when my husband first died, I couldn't even remember how to cook - in fact when he had the first stroke, I could not even think what number to ring for an ambulance. I was using mobile so just pressed the green button - luckily it was my daughter.

Time helps, but you need to take that time, stop being for everyone else, take yourself somewhere you and your lost love liked to go - sit in a park, walk in the woods - don't think you can do everything for everyone - you are the most important person to you - take time for you, to remember your love, cry, laugh, remember the good times, and the bad - but you need to take time for you - right now - go for a long drive - anything where you can be alone -

Talk on this site as often as you want - it helps, there are some wonderful people on here.

Oct 04, 2010
No wonder...

No wonder you're weary with all that you have to deal with. A very bad time for family to be dependent on you, when you can barely function yourself.

Your title should be: spreading myself too thin.

I understand that your kids need you. And family needs you. What about you.

Where is your alone time to grieve? To sort things out, your solitude. At first I could not stand noise or commotion whatsoever. I had an 11 year old to raise, he is 12 now but at times I need to take a deep breath for patience. The grief makes me weak and weary. You are painting yourself into a corner somehow and I don't know how, you need to delegate responsibility so that you are able to be alone. And responsible for only your actions and feelings for now.

Give yourself a break, you deserve it. Let grief happen or it will anyway and not in a subtle way.
My best to you. Hope that you find your way.

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