Weary Soul

by aj

It will be three weeks tomorrow, 10-5-10, since I lost my true love. We never had our time together. We were planning for a future that, while we knew there were going to be some health issues for him, our love was going to carry us thru. But suddenly, he is gone. And the sadness is overwhelming.

We were co-workers who found safety in our friendship and then our love. I am so weary. I have physical pain that I deal with everyday. While I have medication, I have always feared getting dependent on them, so I deal with the pain the best I can.

My daughter and her husband with three young boys have moved into my home. He was laid off his job and can't find any work that pays much. She can't work because her oldest son is Autistic and her time and energy is devoted to taking care of him. My parents are elderly, my dad just recently becoming blind after an illness. He is depressed and is failing in health fast. I try to be there for awhile each day to do what I can do for them.

I have a full time job that involves numbers plus I work for a national chain preparing taxes during tax season. I will be in my 12th year of that. Unfortunately, there are certification exams and course hours to fulfill before the end of the year. I am having a hard time concentrating on anything at the moment.

I am highly involved in my church but limit my time to a one hour Bible Study during the week and my Sunday duties. I just can't do more. I feel so tired. My soul feels as if I can't go on another day. I have started counceling but it is only once a week and while she is nice, so far it hasn't been a lot of comfort or help.

After the first week of my sorrow, it's like all my friends have vanished. They no longer want to hear about my pain. I try not to over burden anyone. While I express my feelings, I try and not dwell on them with anyone. I know they really don't know what to say. But I feel as if I'm ready to explode.

How do I go on with all I have to do and still go thru this horrible process of healing? A real part of me wants to give up. I've found myself crying out to God to just take me and give me some peace. My mind knows I will survive. I will go on. But right now, my heart says otherwise.

I read about so many of you who have lost your spouses of a lot of years. I just don't know how you are handling it. My heart goes out to all of you. Each night I take the time to pray for everyone on this site that is going thru what I am going thru.

I hope that the Peace of God can find each of us and that we are at some point able to feel it. I appreciate having a place to come to where I feel safe in expressing what I'm feeling without judgment. Thank you all.