Well I'm still here

by Donna

It's 3 am on july 24th. Well I'm still here, the day went better than I thought it would. I only had about five to seven outbursts, meltdowns, whatever term you use it really sucks big time. I was afraid that I wouldn't even be able to get out of bed. Maybe today oops yesterday wasn't so bad because the past couple of weeks have been horrible. I am so glad that I work for my youngest daughter as her personal attendant. If I had an outside job I probably would have lost it several times over. Working for her its ok if I have a meltdown, she sometimes joins in. I'm hoping that in 2 or 3 years that I will want to work with the public again, I am a people person, but not right now. Right now I need to be able to freely let my grief take its course. As much as I would like (I think) I can't make it hurry up and go away, I don't know if it will ever go away. I know that I promised Bryan that I would not grieve for him forever, but I don't think I will be able to do that at least not completely. I don't think that he would be able to do that if the situation were reversed, I think a small part of us will forever grieve for our loved ones, at least until we meet them again someday. Oh how I look forward to that day. I don't wish for it to come as quickly as I did before, but I can't wait none the less. Life has somewhat settled down, most of the time. I actually finished a list of things that I needed to do on the 23rd (that's a first since Bryan got sick at the end of 2009)and I been doing a little more house work, but I still can not get back into the swing of things. I have started sleeping later than I used to, the kids asked me why I get up at 5:30 in the morning when I don't need to. I replied that it was habit I guess, I worked the early shift when I worked at Walmart, I got to work with both the overnight crew and the day(morning)crew. I think I have gone through all of my firsts, the one year mark being the last of the firsts (anniversaries, birthdays, special occasions ect...).I really hope that everything gets alot easier because I am so tired both mentally and physically. I really need a rest. Some things have stayed the same though I still sleep with the laminated obituary that the funeral home gave me, its stays on his side of the bed along with one of our wedding pictures. I've tried putting it away but every time I do I cry uncontrollably. My oldest daughter (Leigh) told me that I don't ever have to put away if I don't want to. So if or when I get ready I will do what I feel is right. Well its now 4 am and I'm still here and babbling so I better try and go to sleep again. one breath one step one day at a time until we meet again I love you Bryan

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