We'll Love You Forever!!!!

by Laurie Leveille
(St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada)

We'll Love You Until the End of Time!!!  Until We Meet Again!

We'll Love You Until the End of Time!!! Until We Meet Again!

On January 16th, 2011, my world changed forever. We lost our eldest of five children to an unknown illness. My son, Clayton succumbed to a horrific disease. He suffered more than anyone I've ever seen before. He was fighting for his life for over seven months. My husband and I were helpless. There was nothing that we could do. Clayton's blood and bone marrow were failing him. He had daily blood transfusions for periods of time just to stay alive. All of Clayton's red and white blood cells, as well as, platelets were reaching alarmingly low levels and no one knew why. No one could explain what was happening to him. His platelets were so low that his gums or nose would often bleed. At any point in time, it was possible for Clayton to begin to hemorrhage internally. He would bruise so easily that no one could touch him, comfort him or physically help him through his hell on earth. We, as parents felt completely and utterly helpless watching our son die before our very eyes. No doctor, no one could help Clayton through this since they had NO idea what was happening to him. All we knew was that he was suffering unbelievably and all we could do was watch. We merely sat back and watched him suffer for more than seven months. I was sickened to know that I was his mother but yet, I could not help him. When Clayton did pass away, he did not look like our son. He was swollen, he was black and blue and bruised all over. He looked like he had been beaten. The pain he endured was unreal. The only good thing that his death brought him was a place where he would NEVER hurt again. For this, I was thankful but I had to let him go and this I NEVER wanted to do. He was my first born, he was my son, he had so much living left to do. We were ALL devastated and we still are!!! This pain will NEVER go away. It will be with us forever. Even for those brief moments when we allow ourselves to smile or laugh, we catch ourselves and realize that even the good has been forever tainted. Without Clayton to share these moments, they will not be as special as they should be. Why us? What did we do to be forever scarred by Clayton's loss? If only someone could tell us maybe we could have fixed it so that our beautiful son would not have had to suffer because of us. If only I could turn back time. I would never have let this happen to our son. All I keep thinking of is "why"? Why won't anyone tell us? I really NEED to know. Getting on with life is so hard. The other kids are hurting so badly. Why do I have to watch my family hurt and not be able to help them? I feel as though I have failed my entire family! All I want is for Clayton to come back to us. I love him so completely that I know I will carry this pain in my heart until the end of time. There will NEVER be true happiness in our lives ever again. Anything good has already been tarnished forever. I don't know if my family can survive this tragedy. It just hurts too much. How will I ever be able to help them?

Comments for We'll Love You Forever!!!!

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Aug 11, 2011
Your family can survive
by: Cynthia Graham

First I want to say how sad I am for the loss of your Clayton, he was a beautiful boy. My son Dylan was beautiful too, and he was my only son. I regret not having other children in my life to continue on with all of my hopes and dreams. The full magnitude of my loss cannot be measured, for my life as I knew it truly no longer exists. I thought long and hard about what to say to you here because even though you have lost your beloved son, God has blessed you with four more and a husband who need you so desperately now. Your life is still so rich; it has just taken a turn. I too went through all of the horrors of watching my 27 year old son die horribly. Within 3 days he was gone from a misdiagnosed appendix rupture. I know your pain so well; you have seen things no mother should ever have to see. These memories are the hardest things I wrestle with every day. My dear Laurie, we have been given the hardest challenge a human must ever face, but as women we have also been given the greatest power on earth ? a mother?s love for her children. Use this power to rebuild your family. Clayton?s memory can help you to do this by reminding you of how very precious your remaining children are to you. Your grief can be a way to reconstruct your life with a bond of love so great that nothing on earth can destroy it. Nothing can change what has happened to you and yours through this tragedy but love can conquer your pain. Reach out and hold your children close, embrace your husband, lift up your son?s memory every day, and thank God for the wonderful times you have had, and will have together. I say lovingly, and longingly how much I must envy that you still have a family to love. I hope that this perspective will help you to find your way back to those who need you. Life is still so very precious.

Jul 04, 2011
Must be proud!
by: Susie

What a fine looking young man. I know you must be very proud of him. My heart aches for you. Our daughter was 38. As best as they could determine she had the Swine Flu. She went to the doctor 2 times that week then by Sunday her lips were blue and her nails were blue. She was in the ICU for 31 days. Actually, getting better then dialysis came in and knocked her vent tube off and her oxygen dropped too low and she could not come back. May the wrap HIS arm around you and comfort as only He can.

Jul 01, 2011
I Do Thank You
by: Laurie Leveille

For a stranger to try to take away some of our pain brings tears to my eyes. This is something that very few of our family members have even attempted to do. Thank you for your concern. I do appreciate this.

Jul 01, 2011
I know how you feel.
by: A Mom

I know your pain on losing your first born son. We lost ours on 5/5/11 to a motorcycle accident. Have two other children, a son & daughter. There has not been a day gone by that I have not cried. They say time heals. I don't think so. We will never heal. No one will ever understand unless they have lost a child. They think you should be normal. That will never happen. My sister-in-law told me the other day, "when you are ready to get rid of some of his things, I can take them to a resale shop." I can't even move the shoes, backpack & waterbottle he left on the fireplace after he went to the gym!! Or his towels in the shower! And you are asking me to get rid of his things!! His jeep still sits in the driveway, my husband had the motorcycle brought back here. Sits in the back garage. Still runs. He is not really gone. He'll come home. I wait for him to walk in the door. Big smile, hug & kiss for his mum. I am sorry for your loss & I know the pain you are going through. Very few people do. My other 2 children will never be the same. They are grieving so much. His dad too. I ask God all the time, why? What did i do to deserve this hurt? I guess we will never know.

Jun 30, 2011
Mothers grief
by: Sweet John's mom

I just read your story and it breaks my heart, all Clayton and your family had to and are still going threw. Unfortunately, my story is very similar, my oldest son John died 2 months ago today, they too couldn't diagnose until 18 days before he died. He came home to us to die for the last 18 days and waited for his brothers. I still can't believe this happened. Turns out he had cancer of the heart, very rare - no treatment.
The day before he died, he laid in my lap (my son took a picture on my cell phone - so bitter-sweet)
John told me "don't worry, he loved me and he had to go, he was good with god and to call a priest"
The next morning he died at 8:05, I was holding his hand.
My heart hurts all the time, and that sinking feeling in my stomach. I think about him 24/7 and know I can never truly be happy again. I also have other children, a husband and grandchildren.
But living like this is too hard, it truly is the saddest thing I have ever had to endure. I will pray for you and hope you find some peace again

Jun 30, 2011
sending hugs
by: Shirley

Laurie...Clayton's story sounds just like my son's story. Total bone marrow failure for no reason whatsoever. Two years of transfusions, infections, hospitalizations and finally dying 8/9/10 at the age of 23. Like you, I will NEVER understand the "why" of what happened. It made no sense. I'm a nurse practitioner and researched like crazy trying to find out what was wrong. They ended up calling it aplastic anemia but couldn't figure out why he got it. Then it converted to leukemia and 10 weeks later we lost him. He too was swollen and bruised. It amazes me to hear that someone else has the same story. I love the picture of Clayton. He is a very handsome young man. Maybe one day we will find our answers but until then I think we will just have to "accept" the unacceptable.

Jun 30, 2011
He is beautiful
by: Anonymous

- I cried so much reading this - It will probably come to mind and make me cry for the next few weeks or months - I just hope that each tear I shed will mean a little less pain for you and your family. Sorry - it is all I have - no words of wisdom - just my tears. x x x

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