We'll Love You Forever!!!!
by Laurie Leveille
(St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada)
We'll Love You Until the End of Time!!! Until We Meet Again!
On January 16th, 2011, my world changed forever. We lost our eldest of five children to an unknown illness. My son, Clayton succumbed to a horrific disease. He suffered more than anyone I've ever seen before. He was fighting for his life for over seven months. My husband and I were helpless. There was nothing that we could do. Clayton's blood and bone marrow were failing him. He had daily blood transfusions for periods of time just to stay alive. All of Clayton's red and white blood cells, as well as, platelets were reaching alarmingly low levels and no one knew why. No one could explain what was happening to him. His platelets were so low that his gums or nose would often bleed. At any point in time, it was possible for Clayton to begin to hemorrhage internally. He would bruise so easily that no one could touch him, comfort him or physically help him through his hell on earth. We, as parents felt completely and utterly helpless watching our son die before our very eyes. No doctor, no one could help Clayton through this since they had NO idea what was happening to him. All we knew was that he was suffering unbelievably and all we could do was watch. We merely sat back and watched him suffer for more than seven months. I was sickened to know that I was his mother but yet, I could not help him. When Clayton did pass away, he did not look like our son. He was swollen, he was black and blue and bruised all over. He looked like he had been beaten. The pain he endured was unreal. The only good thing that his death brought him was a place where he would NEVER hurt again. For this, I was thankful but I had to let him go and this I NEVER wanted to do. He was my first born, he was my son, he had so much living left to do. We were ALL devastated and we still are!!! This pain will NEVER go away. It will be with us forever. Even for those brief moments when we allow ourselves to smile or laugh, we catch ourselves and realize that even the good has been forever tainted. Without Clayton to share these moments, they will not be as special as they should be. Why us? What did we do to be forever scarred by Clayton's loss? If only someone could tell us maybe we could have fixed it so that our beautiful son would not have had to suffer because of us. If only I could turn back time. I would never have let this happen to our son. All I keep thinking of is "why"? Why won't anyone tell us? I really NEED to know. Getting on with life is so hard. The other kids are hurting so badly. Why do I have to watch my family hurt and not be able to help them? I feel as though I have failed my entire family! All I want is for Clayton to come back to us. I love him so completely that I know I will carry this pain in my heart until the end of time. There will NEVER be true happiness in our lives ever again. Anything good has already been tarnished forever. I don't know if my family can survive this tragedy. It just hurts too much. How will I ever be able to help them?