We're to begin

We're to begin.My wife was 44years old and we had been together for 25years,I lost her on the 8th may 2014 and until the inquest is over have no idea what caused it.I was away working when I got a call from my 18 year old son telling me mum was dead was then told by paramedic that it was true.Had to get a train home which took nearly 4hours to walk into our house to find my wife had indeed passed away.My 14 year old daughter had found her in the morning sorry this is so disjointed but this is how I still see it.still don't understand

Comments for We're to begin

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Sep 08, 2014
Learning to walk
by: Anonymous

There is no place to begin to tell the story of how and when we lose the one person who made our lives real. There is no understanding the why and how of it all. At the three month point after my husband died I was barely able to get out of bed. I did everything that I had to do in a total fog. Don't expect too much of yourself. The best advice I got was to take baby steps because trying to create a new life based on what has happened to you is just like a new baby learning to walk.

The difference is you won't get up and just walk one day. It is a very gradual process of learning to walk with lots of falling down. Lots of falling down. Crying when it hurts and then getting up again and walking.

Be kind to yourself. Take it slow and take baby steps for now.

I am so sorry for your loss. I do know how you feel and it hurts. Take care. It's going to take quite a while.

Sep 08, 2014
Health is so important
by: Anonymous

Doreen,
I do hope that you are able to get the kind of care that you need so you can continue your postings here on the website. You and Lawrence have been steady contributors that have helped hundreds who come here seeking understanding. I never tire of reading your posts and to take the time to write to so many of the broken hearts on here really means the world for people who are reaching out for help. Your presence is needed, get well soon.




Sep 07, 2014
Husband cheated and now he's dead - how do I forgive him?
by: Doreen U.K.

Mustang I am so sorry for the pain and sadness you are going through at this time having just found out your husband's secret he took to the grave with him. This is one of the most painful aspects of the loss of a spouse. When you find out later a secret that hurts you deeply and adds to your grief. There is a verse in the Bible which says. "Be sure your sins will find you out." Just a pity he was found out when he died. Here in the U.K. Jimmy Saville died with honour and now found out to have wounded so many children through abuse. Now out of the woodwork comes many more celebrities being prosecuted for child crimes. Many years later Justice is now being served. Jimmy Saville is SHAMED NOW but doesn't know of it. He died too soon before his verdict. Others are now living with SHAME. I guess this is the part that hurts. Your husband will never know you found out his secret, so he could carry the shame. He lived a double life. This is a type of wound that hurts deeply, but as you say you can overcome the grief by HATING what He did to you and so not worthy of your grief. Pity his mistress' lie cannot be exposed so she knows her husband has to live with her deceit of having a child with your husband. It is this sinful acts that destroy the family and relationships, and is much harder to heal from. Counselling skills can help you to heal from your loss of husband by infidelity, and help you reclaim your life better than if you were just soldiering on trying to fight the hurt and betrayal. I have done the counselling bit and in a healthier and happier place emotionally and able to cope better than if I was struggling with grief alone. You will recover from this type of hurt and you will move forward better from your loss of a cheating husband. I wish you every success for a better future and happiness.

Sep 07, 2014
Thanks Lawrence
by: Doreen UK

Thanks Lawrence for your kind words. Appreciated. It has been a horrendous 3 weeks. Here in the U.K. it is a terrible time to be ill. I was sent home with pneumonia due to the lack of resources in our hospital in Middlesex. One hospital A&E closed now. I had to return to hospital on Friday night due to my doctors instructions. There was a 7hr. wait on a Friday night. Worst day of the week and with a skeleton staff on the weekend so I was sent home at 2a.m. with hospital transport and got home 3a.m. It was so good to be home. But my breathing was laboured due to water on the lungs, and in my legs making it difficult to walk. Tests tomorrow. Will keep you all updated. It has been my greatest pleasure supporting you Lawrence and everyone on this website. It warms my heart to see how you have come through the worst experience of one's life and to read your posts of support to everyone. I wish you continuing good health and recovery from your grief. You are an inspiration and a great support to me also with the poignant words. "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE." This advice is so important. I do feel better when I am able to get out. May life continue to treat you well and we will be in touch again. Bye for now. God Bless.
Doreen.

Sep 05, 2014
To Doreen
by: Lawrence

Hi Doreen,
So upset to read you are sitting there with pneumonia and feeling so poorly.
Being ill and alone is the absolute pits and there are no words to make you feel any better.
I just want you to know your comments are so deeply appreciated by us all on this DEATH OF A SPOUSE web site.
I know you saved me after my precious wife died on that terrible Christmas Day 2012 and I felt I couldn’t face the future without her after seventy years together. But your words of kindness and sympathy made me re-evaluate my life and made me realize my beautiful daughters and grandchildren still need me, and I know I speak for so many other bereaved heartbroken people. whom you have helped.
So, from all over the world, we are praying for your quick recovery.
Take great care of yourself.
Lawrence


Sep 05, 2014
Husband cheated and now he's dead - how do I forgive him
by: Mustang

I lost my husband last Aug 2014 the day after I celebrated my birthday due to lung cancer. We were together for 20 years. It was very painful and not sure how to start my life again without him. We got two girls and he left them financially stable to sustain their needs to be able to finish their studies. It was after two weeks from the date he died, I discovered that he was still communicating to his mistress and all previous training were fabricated to go out of state to visit her. I was able to access his FB account and email and I pretended as him so I sent email messages and found out their "big secret" that they had a child but not under my husband's last name but instead the mistress pretended that this is her husband's child. The pain and sadness that I've been feeling turned into hatred. This secret will be my weapon so I can move on fast and not to waste my tears. It's easy to forgive but I am not sure if I can forget that I was cheated despite of the love, care, attention and time spent serving him.

Sep 04, 2014
Sympathy
by: Lawrence

HI,
You don’t have to apologize for sharing your anguish with us, because we have all been in your position on this web site, losing someone so loved and precious is without doubt the worst thing that can ever happen in your life..
The shock must have been overwhelming when you heard by telephone such desperately sad news; it must be everyone’s nightmare.
Don’t even try to understand why it happened, it’s just called LIFE and we have no control over it.
Its such early days for you, four months is nothing in the grieving process, and you must do what we all did which is to cry and cry, and let your body and spirit release some of the tremendous pain you are in..
May I give you some advice which is GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, don’t stay in and mourn, do something, anything, climb a mountain, run a Marathon, join a club where you will no doubt meet widowers like yourself, learn to play a musical instrument, do absolutely anything but stay in your house and grieve.
I lost my beloved wife on Christmas Day 2012 after being together for nearly seventy years and now lead a frantic life filling in the days trying to ease my pain, but I still come back to an empty cold house in the evening, and the walk up to the bedroom every night is still an ordeal.
From one grieving widower to you, my friend, you have my deepest sympathy.
Lawrence

Sep 03, 2014
Where to begin
by: Doreen UK

I am so sorry for your loss of your young wife to a sudden death. I have a son a year older and nearly lost him twice through illness and accident. Hearing this it makes me feel that we are all vulnerable. I am sitting here with pneumonia and feeling ill with no antibiotics that are working. Wondering and feeling like death when one feels so ill.
You have two children that are at such a vulnerable age and still needed a mother's nurturing. Just make sure that you don't suffer alone. There are grief counsellors who do a good job of helping many of us cope with our loss and able to move forward with support and more easily than handling this alone.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer 2yrs. ago and I could not function for 6 months. I then took the time to nurture myself back into life. It is hard to restructure my life, but I am in no rush. I take ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is how I cope. I hope that you and your children can be helped through this tunnel of grief and find healing.

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