What did i ever do so bad?

by SW
(Nottingham)

Like the title says, I ask myself most days what was it I did that was so bad that my daughter keeps hurting me like this.
first off, 7 years ago me and her dad got divorced after 26 years of marriage, she was 19 at the time, and stayed living with me, her dad moved out and was living with his girlfriend, he had been seeing this woman behind my back for months, although he didn't tell me at the time, he then came back after a few months of me begging him, he said he came back because he felt he should try for the sake of our marriage, we went on a holiday to Spain in our holiday apartment, to try and sort ourselves out, but the whole time we were away this other woman was texting him, ringing him, in his head the whole time, when we arrived home, we tried to live a normal life, but within weeks, I knew it wasn't working, I didn't trust him, with good reason, this other woman had threatened to commit suicide if he didn't come back to her, she sent me a very nasty letter spilling out the whole sordid affair, but like a fool I didn't read it, my husband asked me to destroy it, so we could move on, I trusted him like a fool, and did what he asked, I regret that to this day, as I would have known the whole truth, as it turned out, I did find out anyway, by hacking into his email account, and seeing the whole sordid affair right in front of my eyes, all there secret meetings, declaration of love from him to her, her to him, so I tackled him and he just said well that's it then, packed his stuff and left for good. I was left feeling so grieved, didn't know where to put myself, I screamed down the phone to my dad to talk some sense into him, but dad didn't want to get involved, I was left with no one at all, my daughter was very angry with her dad for a while, but he soon won her around, the girlfriend was trying very hard to win her over too, promises of this and that.
so I divorced him, for adultery, I was so angry with him for leaving me after all those years, it meant nothing to him in the end. he just told me, he was with and in love with her now, and that was that, that was all the explanation I got.
so my daughter stayed with me, I did meet someone new, and got married again, my daughter still lived with us, we sold the family home and moved 20 miles away, she came to live with us for a while, but she wasn't happy, her dad, who owns his own business and is doing very well forhimself, gave her 25 grand deposit for a flat, so she moved out, I would see her now and then, she saw her dad once a week every week, I felt like I had been totally abandoned, first her dad then her, it hurt me so bad, I ended up on anti depressants for a year, I just couldn't cope with the loss, moving on a few years, my daughter met a young man, and she soon fell pregnant, I have the most beautiful granddaughter now and I love her with all my heart, But I am number 3 granny, firstly is the boyfriends mum, whom they go spend lots of time with, staying over, Christmas, easter, mothers day, all spent at her house with her, then there is her dads girlfriend, granny number 2, who sees them so much more than I do, her dad is rich, he gives her everything, spent a fortune on her, he declared he didn't have two pennies when I was divorcing him, 3 months later he had bought a brand new top of the range lexus, and a new apartment, that's the kind of man he is, he is now paying for my daughters grand wedding in august, I can not give anything towards this wedding because I am living on the bread line with my new husband of 6 years, we just about make ends meet as it is, so that causes resentment, it is almost like he is trying to buy her affections, and it seems to be working, anyway, when my granddaughter was born, I was so excited, thinking I would have her come see me, and love coming to grannies house, but no, that child has only spent about an hour in my house in her whole 11 months of life, there excuse is, my 3 small dogs, they say they are scared for the safety of the child, even though I have promised them over and over that there is no way my granddaughter would ever be in any danger, the dogs would be safely put in crates whilst they are here, my husbands kids have no problems with there kids coming here, they trust us to keep the children safe, my own daughter doesn't trust me at all, so I only see my granddaughter when I go down to there house, my daughter picks me up in her car, doesn't come in the house, and takes me back to her house, my heart is breaking, because I feel so left out all the time, I know for sure they go to see the other grandparents all the time, they have even been on short holidays with my ex and his girlfriend, I feel so resentful, and hurt, after raising my daughter the best I could for 20 years, this is how she treats me now, like we are just not good enough, maybe its because we don't have lots of money to throw at them, after her wedding in august, they are going on honeymoon for 2 weeks, and she tells me that my granddaughter is staying with my ex and his girlfriend whilst they are away, it was like a knife in my heart, that woman who destroyed my life, took everything from me, is now taking my granddaughter as well, why is it the bad guys always win? it will kill me when they go on honeymoon knowing that woman is putting my granddaughter to bed every night, being the first thing she sees every morning, feeding her, bathing her, taking her to nursery, it should be me, I love my granddaughter so much, and I miss her so much, and now I am told my daughter is having another baby, and she says when the next baby comes she doesn't think she will have time to come and get me to go down to her house anymore, so it is all going to get much much worse for me, I wake up most mornings in tears, I have such bad dreams I am full of tears, I love my daughter dearly, and try so hard to be nice, and to smile, but inside my heart is breaking, I make excuses for her all the time, I say things like, well she doesn't really mean to hurt me, but I am told she doesn't have to treat me like she does, it is Easter, she told me they are going yet again to stay with her fiancé's mum for the Easter break, so my husband and I are going away, I don't feel there is any reason to stay around, as I know I wont get to see them anyway, so that's my story up to now, I am heart broken, feel so un needed and unloved most of the time, and wonder constantly why, and what did I do?

Comments for What did i ever do so bad?

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Apr 17, 2014
What did I ever do so bad?
by: Doreen UK

SW the clue is in your last statement. "I feel so UNLOVED and UNEEDED MOST OF THE TIME and I don't know why?" You may benefit from seeing a grief counsellor and find out why you feel this way. If you manage to resolve this problem you will also be happier around your new husband who may be concerned at how much pain you are in and feel helpless to support you here.
You can confront your daughter about her need to let her new stepmother look after your grandchild when you should have the priority as mother. Ask her if she has considered your feelings? Let her know how hurt you feel. You may get some answers from her about what is going on in her mind. At least you will know. If you can't resolve these issues with your daughter, you can resolve them in a counselling room. I Did. I am in a healthier and happier place now.
Remember what you have done and hold your head up high. Don't accept responsibility for your daughter's behaviour as not meant. She is a mother now and will in time realise how challenging this job is and she may Grow Up and MATURE. It is not fair what is happening to you. When I hurt the most I go and beat on the Chest of God and let Him know how hurt I feel. God is my Comfort and Strength. I just hope that life gets better for you and that your life gets back on track with your daughter and she does think about what her actions are doing to you. As mothers we get hurt a lot and have learned to roll with the punches. But this pain is a little too far. Please post any changes that you need support with. We are here for you. Best wishes.

Apr 17, 2014
What did I ever do so bad?
by: Doreen UK

SW I FEEL YOUR PAIN. You did nothing wrong. Applaud yourself for being the best mother you could be. Your EX spoiling your daughter doesn't help, and your daughter will wake up one day and realise her mistake.
I got cut off so had to edit my story here to you. But I am going through the same problem. My story is too long to write and I would not have the space to do it. My husband was a hard working man who worked all over the world. I got on with the job of being mother and father. My two eldest had difficulties due to me having to rear them whilst Dad was away. This is where most of the problems stem from. Children won't turn on the parent who couldn't be available. A mother who is the nurturer will often have to take the heat for both parents. I have since lost my husband to cancer 2yrs. next week. My son walked away on the day of the funeral. He has a new wife and she is His ENTIRE WORLD. I know what I have done for my children and I feel content. It hurts to be locked out of your children's life. But life is getting more and more UNJUST. WE as mothers cannot be held responsible for the parent who spoils the child with money comparing this to what we do if we have limited resources. One day they will get a WAKE UP CALL! This is not what we wanted for US from life. FOCUS on what you did for your daughter. Your INPUT in your daughters life cannot be compared or equalled to what your husband is doing now. The PAIN comes from COMPARING. You have the winning card. You brought her up as the main NURTURER. She can't forget that and when she rears her own children she will be reminded of what you did for her. At the moment she is probably playing you off against her Dad. Angry at the divorce, whilst he is trying to make it up to her. And he can't. IT WON'T LAST.
You have a new husband. He has children. FOCUS on putting all your energies into your marriage and his children. Make his children your children by being the best you can be with them. Who is going to turn you away if you are kind to them. I know it is not the same. But it is very much a DECISION OF THE MIND AND WILL. By giving your love to those who will accept it will build you up. Don't let the way your EX and daughter is treating you make you waste your life PINING FOR THEM. Whilst they are off enjoying their life you are suffering. I KNOW IT HURTS. I am going through the same thing. But YOU. ME. and every other woman going through this same problem will realise when you can't change your situation. By changing your attitude towards your situation will make you a survivor. If you focus on losing relationship with your daughter and granddaughter you will become depressed. TURN IT AROUND. Let your new family become YOUR SOLE FOCUS. Put your energies here. If you dwell on what your daughter is doing it will drag you down. It is a pain that will never go away.

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