What do i do now? i'm so lost.
by Anne Stankavage
(VA, Warren County)
I am a 20 year old college student from VA, the oldest of 10 kids and im so lost right now that i don't now what to do, where to go or who to turn to.
My grandmother was like a third parent to me during summer breaks i would get to stay with her at her house for a week or two. she would listen to everything i said like i was important and mattered. I think i saved up almost everything to tell her in the summers. she gave me the one on one attention that i always wanted but never knew how to ask for.
Last Saturday my dad got a call from my uncle, my grandmother at 89 was in bad shape and we needed to get to NY from VA quick. It wasn't a shock, she had heart trouble in October, and i've known it was coming but even as i started helping get everything ready i couldn't grasp what was happening. i cried because i knew somehow that this was it, but after a few tears i started to try and pull myself together again.
My grandmother passed away at 2am the sunday before Thanksgiving. I wasn't able to see her before she passed away and im grateful for that, i can try and cling to the memories that i have of her teaching me so many other more important things. but im ashamed for feeling that way.
We stayed with my moms family through Thanksgiving and i was kept busy so i didnt have or give myself time to think about it. At the funeral i shed a few tears but i tried to keep myself together i knew that if i started then i wouldn't stop crying.
Now that im home i dont know what to do with myself, i have no motivation to do anything at the moment. my school work that was due is incomplete still and i cant find the motivation to do anything at all it seems the few times i do as soon as i get concentrated my grandmother pops back into my head and im back to the same feelings as before.
i feel numb and isolated. i don't want to deal with my friends or my boyfriend. i dont want to talk to them i know they care but i dont want to put on a brave face or even a im fine face for them. i just want to cry and be left alone and to not worry about how im going to manage to pull off getting my school work done, pass my classes and finish my semester by December 19th 2010, when i just don't care or even want to anymore.
everyday i feel, i range from feeling okay to crap at random, i dont want to get up in the mornings and i dont feel rested at all, im just tired.
i felt similar to this when my grandfather died but this time its worse. i was much closer to her and im at the point where i think this could break me.
i would trade just about anything to have the grandma that taught me to swim back. i dont care what was left to me, i just want her back but i cant have that so i just want to feel like me again, i want want people to stop asking how im doing but most of all i want to stop saying im "fine" because honestly im about as far from "fine" as i can be right now.