What do I do now?

by D
(seattle, wa)

My sister lost her battle to kidney disease close to three years ago. Most are okay days, some are not so okay days. She left a gift with me, her only child. She is a wonderful young woman, now married with a baby.
My heart breaks at all she is missing, how her daughter's heart is so terribly fragile. She was ill her entire adult life, overcame so much. We talked everyday, numberous times per day. It's hard to know how to move forward when so much of my own life was helping her through her trials. That was my part of it, we helped each other. It's like she was my life, I was to help her...I miss her so much sometimes when I hold back the tears, my throat just aches. Parents are toxic and broken, brother committed suicide four years prior to her death and a nephew did the same 18 months after his dad...she was so very strong, taught me everything I know. She helps me every single day, I know it. I just don't know what to do or how to do it, alone. No siblings, friends are great but I don't mean to be so grief stricken almost three years down this path. She was really all I had...divorced, no children of my own. I love her so much and wish we still laughed until we cried, sang loud in the car, snorted out our noses because we were hyperventilating by laughing so hard.

Thanks for allowing me this avenue.
My heart is cracking again tonight, where do I find the glue to hold it together?
xoxoxo to the moon and back, I love you that much!

Comments for What do I do now?

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May 04, 2013
What do I do now?
by: Doreen U.K.

D I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved sister 3yrs. ago. I am sorry for your loss of your brother to suicide and the loss of your nephew and his dad. So many losses to deal with and some we take in our stride and don't realise that the loss may not affect us so deeply at the time. It is only when other people die and we lose them it triggers off the pain of the other losses also. I suspect this is why 3yrs. later you are still grieving for your sister. I have 5 siblings. 5 girls and one brother. I am the middle of 5 girls. I would hate to lose one of my siblings. I couldn't bear this.
I lost my mother 10yrs. ago and my husband of 44yrs. 1yr. tomorrow. But today Saturday is the actual day he died and I can clearly visualise all that took place that day. my husband died of cancer caused by working with asbestos. the stronger the bond with that person the deeper the grief. I think Grief is one of the worst experiences we will ever face in life. We don't know until we go through this. WE can't even guess what it would be like.
None of us knows what to do now? But to live each day, one day at a time. No use worrying about all our tomorrows in case we don't have them. The sadness is not seeing our loved one again. Never sharing those golden moments. Never sharing a meal, or laughter, or just being together. ALL GONE FOREVER. This hurts us so much from our grief. Not having that person in the world and in our world to help us all get through our life and just living. It is just these simple things that we yearn for that we will miss forever.
I have planted a lovely garden full of flowers so I have this in memory of my husband. Plus a water fountain and flowers all around the house as my husband loved buying flowers. I will buy a heart with husband on for my garden to replace the one I put at the graveside and was smashed and broken by someone. You can find something to do in memory of your sister and brother that will bring you comfort and every time you look at what you have done it will make you smile and leave you with that warm glow from your loss of your loved ones. It is only TIME that will bring HEALING to us from our loss. May you find the comfort and the strength in the days ahead to cope with your loss.

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