What do I do?

by JG
(Calif)

My Husband had been gone 1 month then my 46 yr.old son came to see how I was doing. He was not working so I had some stuff needing doing so I put him to work with pay for the odd jobs. We have had a troublesome relationship most of his adult life and my husband could never accept him and talked to him terribly even tho i tried so hard to get along with is from a previous marriage.

Anyway my son, since he has been here, has been no moral support really and is dragging his feet doing the work needed. He has said on more than one occasion to get over it and that he wasn't sad to see him go. He didn't need to say that as I knew it already. I can't say a word to him with friendly advice before he blows it all out of proportion. Yesterday was no exception after i showed disappointment that he had no money to go get a 5.00 item. I in turn am not ready to deal with his outburst due to my delicate feelings so I get angry he is not understanding that.
I was so hoping to repair our relationship now that my husband has passed.

Anyway he left after his outburst and didn't come back until late and then he became very abusive verbally and belligerent and called me a Bitch and C--t. I could smell he had been drinking and asked him several times to stop talking because he was drunk. I told him he has two weeks to finish up the work then he is to take all his stuff and go. I just can't deal with him anymore.
It's sad to lose my husband and then my son too. Now I'll really be alone and that doesn't bother me so much as I'm so ashamed of him and sad he just will never "GET IT".

Any advice?

Comments for What do I do?

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Mar 01, 2011
your son jg
by: jody

i too have had to put boundaries on my son and my relationship as he only ever thinks of himself...i actually moved 1000 miles away with out saying goodbye and there has been no contact for 6 months...i was so close to my son and he always walked all over me but as a mom you just accept that...until the one you love (who has told you all along that he abuses you) passes away...i still cant say dies...and you finally realize he was right all along...i needed to do this for my own sanity but the mom in me still feels guilty for "abandoning" my 23 year old son... and he lets me know he feels abandon through very nasty letters which i have finally blocked...i miss him everyday but the drama of it all would have killed me and since the grief almost does that, i cant afford both....you dont deserve to be abused by your son and you need this time to grieve for what you have lost...someday your son might see that he was wrong and feel bad...and you might never know....but i guess what im trying to say that took me so long to understand is you have to take care of yourself first...its hard to do but very necessary...good luck and baby steps...

Feb 11, 2011
thank you
by: jg

Thank you all for your response to my call of advice. I'm glad you all agree. My son is supposed to be out by the 20th. What ever he hasn't finished I will hire out gladly. On top of this I just went trough the tenting process for termites and had to worry about my cats and me. It seems there is just no darn let up in interference to my grieving process. I'm so angry now.

Feb 08, 2011
what can I do
by: jules

You do not need negative people in your life at this time - your son is a very negative person from the sound of it. If these are odd jobs, you would be better paying someone to do them than have your son doing them with such bad grace. He is an adult and responsible for himself - there are probably lots of reasons that you don't want to go into here, for why he is like he is - in his mind at least.

You may not realise it, but you need time to be on your own, to grieve your loss, to realise what your life is now - you are not the same person - never will be again - come to this site and share anytime you want - you will find a lot of advice, wisdom, caring and love on this site - and this is what you need - people who care for you.

Tell your son you don't need him, that he can leave now - that you don't need him there. Let him go, and have no regrets. You are not responsible for him, and you do not need his drunken abuse - tell him to go now.

Talk to us on here - we care, we know what you are going through - and always remember -
every day - one step, one breath - you will make it
take care
jules

Feb 07, 2011
Hello
by: Eunice

You've certainly got your hands full. Losing your husband and going through the grieving process is a long and sometimes lonely road. But add to that a estranged son who evidently has no respect for his mother makes the whole situation terrible. Add to the factor his drinking. With all that going on, when or how are you to get through your grief process? Even though you may want to rebuild your relationship with your son, he should still have respect enough for you to allow your grief to come out, even though they may not have had a good relationship themselves. You need to have time to heal. As hard as it may be, you will probably heal better emotionally without him in the house. You sure don't need his abusive, drunken mouth to hurt you more. Good luck to you in your future and may you take the time to heal.

Feb 06, 2011
You dont need it now or ever...
by:

I am so sorry that you son is acting like a jerk when you need him most. I think that you have done exactly what you need to do. As far as loosing your son, eventually he will realize that he was NOT there when you needed him and acted awfully around you when you were most vulnerable.

I am actually proud that you set your boundaries.
You do NOT need to be bullied at this time especially. I know in early grief I did not even want to raise my them 11 year old. I just wanted to be left alone and could not handle any responsibility. In the end we have been good to and for each other. If your son cannot support you in your time of grief, let him go until he can really understand. He will realize how disrespectful and awful he has been.
HH

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