WHAT DO THEY MEAN BY TIME TO "MOVE ON".

by NANCY
(OREGON)

2 YEARS WILL COME IN SEPTEMBER SINCE I LOST MY HUSBAND. HIS FAMILY SAID IN LESS THAN 1 YEAR THAT IT WAS TIME TO "MOVE ON" AND "GET ON WITH LIVING". WHAT THE BLANK DO THEY MEAN?

I STILL WORK, I STILL KEEP UP MY HOUSE AND BIG YARD, I STILL SHOP. I TRY TO MANAGE ON MY OWN, ASKING FOR LITTLE HELP, AS THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO HELP FROM FAMILY. DOES "MOVING ON" MEAN GETTING OUT OF THEIR LIVES? AFTER THE WAY HIS BROTHER HAS LATELY TREATED ME BY TRYING TO BE THE BOSS, LYING AND STEALING - I'M HAPPY TO KEEP MY DISTANCE.

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THIS "MOVING ON" MEANS? MY FELLOW WIDOW FRIEND AND I CERTAINLY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS. SOMETIMES IT IS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT TO JUST GET THROUGH ANOTHER DAY.

ANY ANSWERS?

Comments for WHAT DO THEY MEAN BY TIME TO "MOVE ON".

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Jun 19, 2012
MOVING ON
by: Helen

It is nearly 2 years sinve my beloved husband died, very suddinly of an aneurysm, one minute healthy, next dead. I too keep getting told it is high time I get a voluntary job, join a club, stop talking about him. I have no children and my sister and nieces have abandoned me. My sister was very cruel just after the memorial service and for once I gave as good (I'd always let her snap at me, she is 10 years older but I was hurting so much that I gave as good as I got this time so now no one speaks to me. They don;t know the cruel things she said. My husband and I had taken her on holiday with us for 16 years after her husbands death so you can imagine the betrayal I feel. I cannot move on -we did everything together - real sole mates and am bewing so hurt by friends telling me that people are being critical of my continued grief. I just try to get through one day at a time and pray for an early death to join him. Everyone grieves differently. Mine was classed as traumatic as we were away from home and in a cottage in the middle of the country. He died instantly they say of an aneurysm but that has left me alone and frightened. Everyone else seems to have children, grandchildren or friends who can be there at a moments notice. I feel so very alone and just hope that time will ease this pain enough to get me function until I die.

Helen

Aug 28, 2011
What do they mean by time to move on
by: jules

I heard a song the other night - the name was "trying to find the time to get over you" - I cried all through it, because I can't find the time to get over the death of my darling in November 2009 - 22 months ago now.

I miss him every day, I think about him every day, even when I am laughing and having fun with my friends, he is there right by my side, saying to someone, "yep, that's who she is -that's what I love about her" - I know this because he always let me be myself.

That is one of the things I loved about him, among others, and it is also what I miss most.

I don't think I will ever "find the time to get over him" - even though I know my life will change in many ways - John will always have a place in my heart - I loved him for 42 years - I love him still.

So, I can't help you with the answer to "moving on", I don't think anyone can.
We just take that first step, first breath, every day -
Take care
jules


Aug 27, 2011
I am baffled also when people say to move on
by: tina

My husband/soul mate died in Nov. 09. Until I found this web site, I thought I was alone, but I so understand where you are at and problems with in-laws because I am there also. I do not feel this loss any less now than when he died. My brother lost his 38 year old wife to cancer 3 years before I did, and he told me you have to train yourself to get through society because the pain doesn't go away. I did just that because of the pressure from the public to "get over it." I ended up taking second semester of work off due to crying all the time, but as last summer was ending, I knew I had to get back to work due to having to support myself and still had son in college. So I cry in the evenings and in my car. If anybody was to ask how I was doing now, they would probably say "great" since I am working again, but they do not have a clue. I look forward to weekends because of exhaustion, but they are SO painful now that I am alone. You have every right to stay away from his family if they are hurting you. I still talk to my mother and sister-in-law, but have completely erased my husband's brother and his family from my life due to the pain they have caused. I am not a negative person, but I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel. When you lose the love of your life, you don't just "move on." My biggest problems are the arm chair shrinks that still have their spouses but tell me "it will be ok." How do they know this??? In my peer group, I am the only widow so it has been very hard pretending everything is ok while they gush about their latest anniversary etc. The pain is so huge that I have not even begun to grieve for my sister who died 2 days after my husband. I wish I had the answer to give you, but I haven't found one yet.

Jun 27, 2011
moving on
by: Mari

Nancy, I think moving on is not something that we make happen, it just happens in due time. I have heard alot of people saying that but everyone handles their grief differently.
Time does not stand still although it may seem it does when we lose a loved one.
Healing takes time. You have lost a part of yourself. A day at a time is the what we need.
My husband passed away in Nov 2009.I have gone through alot. But I am better. I say, better because I still miss him so much. Yesterday I was driving in a nearby town and it was 104 degrees and lots of traffic. I heard a song on the radio called .''Tears in Heaven'' by Eric Clapton and I was crying as I went through the heavy traffic.
Things like this will creep up when you don't expect it. I know I am still grieving but I know I am better. Give yourself the needed time.
Trust in God and keep posting as we are here for you.

Jun 25, 2011
Moving on
by: Judy

I lost my husband in November 2009, less than two years ago.

Our culture is uncomfotable with grief, so people want to pretend it doesn't exist. They don't want to hear us talk about our loss so they tell us to "move on". People who say this don't know what they're talking about but their disapproval causes us widows to retreat into silence. Except here, where we all get it.

Moving on means going forward with your "New Normal" at the pace and rate that you can do it. Moving on is a very slow process, sometimes you don't realize change is happening until it's done and the realization will take you by surprise. It means beginning to take pleasure in things you previously didn't notice-an especially beautiful sunrise, smiling instead of crying when you recall something your beloved and you shared, and so on. You have to go at the pace that grief is letting you go, not by the months on the calender.

We are evolving into a new person and that takes time, effort and energy. Some day there will be weepy days and some days will be good, just like life. You are doing fine.

JM

Jun 24, 2011
Our new life...(known as moving on)
by:

Nancy,

Moving on it is not a conscious choice something we can decide to do. It is a gradual way of life. It is the ability to make a new life for ourselves. Our Loves will always be in our mind. They were such a part of our lives we cannot just let them go. They are engrained into our memories and therefore our lives even now.

I think that eventually we can think of them with a smile. Remembering some of the things that we were so fortunate to have experienced with them instead of crying that we can not experience it with them again.

It is the roughest road that I have ever traveled in all my years. In the end I think I will be wiser and stronger. We will know what is important and not sweat the small stuff that in the end is such a waste of time. Each moment is important to be used and enjoyed.

Einstein said each day is a miracle or not. I try to remember that as I embrace the day. I miss my Love still. I can not accept the love of another until I love myself and who I have become in the metamorphosis of grief. It is acceptance of ourselves not just the death of part of who we were.
HH

Jun 24, 2011
let's banish the phrase "move on"
by: Lisa

I think what they mean is "get a life" and quit feeling sorry for yourself. They are TOXIC and I think you are right to keep them out of your life. In reality, "moving on" means nothing - we don't move on from our spouse's death...we adapt, we try to cope with the enormity of the loss...we go on living. I so hate that phrase, move on!
Remember to take good care of you.

Jun 24, 2011
What do they mean by time to "move on"
by: jules

There is no such thing as "moving on" - I think the term should be getting on - I am getting on with my life the best I can - 19 months now.
I miss my love every day.
Read the following poem - it may be helpful, I have cut and pasted it several times, just to try and give others some coping ways, when they are told to "move on".

This is a poem I found when clearing some paperwork, it was given to me at Ipswich Hospice who run a grief counselling service, when my husband died 15 months ago.It is credited to Jan MacDonell of Wahroonga, NSW Australia.

My beloved has died - I'm
Frightened and hurt
Please don't get angry,
impatient or curt -
If I'm not progressing as
you think I should.
I'd love to snap out of it,
if only I could.

You see, we were a couple -
A team, you could say
always together, every day.
Now there's just me, alone
and scared.
Missing my loved one,
someone who cared.
There's a void in my life
and I'm full of despair
Long to be loved, but there
is no one there.

So, please don't get angry,
please understand
That I feel like I'm
drowning in shifting sand.

These words say it all don't they?
every day - one step, one breath
take care

Jules--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jun 23, 2011
Moving on
by: Patricia From Las Vegas

I've just hit the 1 year mark. I can't even bring myself to think of 2 years. What do they know... Oh that's right, they have a life.... All I say is when you can walk in my shoes then talk to me...
Grief has no time table, it is and will always be our decision what we do, where we go and if we move to another stage. "MOVE ON" ~~~~~
You do what you need to do, we all will. Its a painful and heartbreaking road we travel.
Always know you have us here to come to... We share the tears, accomplishments and crazy OMG's... We are always here.
Always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

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