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What else can I do?

by Linda
(Quebec)

Since my husband Wayne passed away on December 18th 2010 I have read books on grieving and loss, meditated, poured my heart out on here and to a friend and even seen a grief cousellor, yet every morning as soon as I wake up I get hit by the same truck on its journey to reality and every night I cry like I never have in my life for the loss I feel.

2 weeks ago or maybe it was 3 I sat at home and it was as if a voice told me "HE DIED". Suddenly I realised my darling Wayne was dead and it was as if the time between when I stopped working in October to care for him full time until then I was asleep or on automatic pilot .

Reality has smacked me right in the face!
I had even written posts on here but somehow deep in my heart I didn't fully understand, realise or believe he was gone. So now that I do ,I am truly at a loss as to what I can do when that overwhelming sadness rears its ugly head like it did again tonight?

Please tell me what you do!

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What else can I do?

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No quick fix
by: Joss

Linda

One thing I am finding out is that there is no quick fix; my husband and I would have been married 40 years come July this year. After a long 10 year battle with cancer my best friend was taken away from me on 1/25/11 which means that it is almost 3 months since he has been gone; I thought I was doing somewhat ok for a while that is until about a couple weeks ago when the reality of it all hit me in the face that my hubby was not coming back and I went 5 steps backward. The way I am dealing with my loss is by keeping busy, I went back to work after I had taken a family leave of absence which I am very happy I did, during that time we spent a lot of time together doing things that we liked to do. I resumed my activities in my community and being around people helps, unfortunately going home after work has not been easy and I am thankful that I have a couple of dogs waiting for me; when I went home after work the first time I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I have started working in the yard and my garden, my husband love flowers and nature outside and I want to continue as I am sure he is watching me from heaven and smiling at least that's what I believe. I am going to a grieving counselor, I chose to stop taking anti anxiety and anti depressants as I feel they were making things worse for me and they were not going to bring my husband back. I just got through putting a scrap book together about his life and our life and I am going to start a new one and you will be surprise how much it helps.
Do I cry, yes and even more now as I am facing the reality of his death but I was told to go with the flow and sometimes I wonder how anyone can cry so much and still have tears left. You know about a couple days after my husband's funeral when I was in bed I saw a flash of light and I heard my husband's voice saying "Hon, don't be scared it's me I am going to bed" it scared me at the time but now it makes me realize that no matter what our beliefs are that there has to be another life and that some day we will be together again and our loved ones want us to be strong, just as they were strong when they battled their illness to continue living; that's why I know I have to try very hard to be strong, my husband was not a quitter and he would not want me to quit; it would be easy to just take a few pills and end it but what would it solve. Our lives have been changed and it will never be the same but we have to continue on in memory of our loved ones. Did I mention that I talk to my husband's picture every day and kiss his picture, not like the real thing but to me it means a lot. I pray for strength, courage and better days for all of us, Lord help us. Take care and look up.

Let go and let God
by: Mari

That is what my pastor said the other night at church. So I am trying to go on with my life. My husband is safe with the Lord.

I am going to work Monday and will work split shifts, perfect for me as I have to be here for tenants. I am not working Sundays as I have church.

My husbands son said I led a sheltered life with my husband. Now I am sheltered by God who is there in times of sorrow.

I am surprised at the changes in my life since my husband went to be with the Lord. There has been a new grandson and a new great grandaughter.
From what my experience has been I feel that we need time to deal with losses. We just keep going and do what we have to do. It is different with each one of us. I doubt I will ever be quite the same but I now have an understanding of what others are going through. And I care. This board has been a blessing to me with nice people and words of comfort. It is alright to cry and to express what you feel. In fact we need that. I feel better. And it is one step at a time.

I feel just like you
by: Mary

I lost my loving husband Gene, on 12/8/10, almost 3 months ago. We were married over 40 years. He was my best friend, a wonderful husband, father, and pop-pop. I realize the shock is over for me but the grief is just beginning. I just hate the weekends, I don't get dressed or leave the house. I am so very lonely. I have wonderful friends and family but they have their own lives, and unless you have lost your soulmate, no one really understands the loneliness. I pray to God everyday for strength and peace of mind. I have a strong belief that Gene is with God watching over me, that does bring me comfort. So I have no choice, but to take life one day at a time. People say it will take time. I realize it will but I also know my life will never be the same. I do try to be thankful that we had 40 wonderful years together. Not everyone gets that, but it still does not help me get through the lonely days and nights. So, Linda, I know how you feel and I pray for you and all of us who have lost an important person in our lives. May God give us all strength.

all your help................
by: Anonymous

Judith,trishJ,Lynn Ann,Eunice, HH and Mari

thanks so much for all your comments.
Since I posted I slipped so low I couldn't even get dressed.
So many things broke in the house:laptop, snow melted and we had, god I said "WE ", I mean "I" had to remove snow from the roof for 2 hours, then I had water damage in one of my rooms and so on and so on!

Funny thing is today was the very first day in years I have felt like a normal human being. I functioned today! I cleaned my house, cooked dinner and relaxed!

Yes I said relaxed. All I know is I had a good day today and what tomorrow brings I'll deal with it then.

Once again thanks I read ALL your lovely words and from the bottom of my heart I am so blessed to have all of you.

Time and change
by: Mari

Linda, It looks like the reality has really hit that your husband is with the Lord. We have seasons in our lives and change to deal with. I would say to take things a day at a time but people handle grief in their own way. Grief is very personal.
Have you considered going back to work? It may help if you are busy.
The main thing is to take care of yourself. Let the tears flow and wipe your eyes and keep going.
My husband passed away in Nov 2009.
I have dealt with all kinds of emotions and still do. When it is raining I picture him in that bright yellow raincoat. In the summer I picture him wanting to go shower and freshen up as soon as he comes in the door.
My entire life is different now. I think he would be happy for me that I landed a great job at the age of 66 and when the background check is in, I'm in. He would like the way I fixed the house and handle the complex.
I still feel his presence.
The grandchildren are growing up and the new great grandaughter is 6 weeks old and bringing joy. My husband would have adored that little girl.
I talked to my son last night in Moreno Valley and he understands and says I seem to be doing the right things.I asked him why I feel this awful loneliness at times and he said it is natural under the circumstances. Now he says I have done very well. not so sure but trying. It is at night when I get hit with the fact my husband is not here. I am glad he is not suffering from his heart anymore.
Keep posting and remember we are here for you. God bless you.

Take care of yourself
by:

Linda,

My husband died 12/06/09 a year before yours.
If told you every stage of grief that I have gone though it still wouldn't explain what you are going to go through. I know that as soon as you think you have it figured out grief will take you in another direction. Usually backwards. Hence the one step forward two steps back.

As I read these blogs I desperately want to help but there are no easy answers. Reading helps you understand that your feelings are normal and that goes along way. I felt crazy with grief because grief carried me along. There was no controlling the situation or anyway to FIX it.

So in essence all you can do is take care of yourself as you were told as a caregiver, though we really didn't care at the time did we? We were all focused on our Love and that was all that was important. But now go easy on yourself and know that all the emotions that you go through are o.k and that we will be here to listen always...
HH

If only there was a quick fix to grief
by: Eunice

My heart goes out to both of you, I too know what you're going thru. I lost my husband on November 21st of last year. While his immediate family all soon returned to their "normal" life and my family all returned to up north and resumed to their normal life. While, I'm left here alone sitting day and night in a lonely house that we shared as a home, but not to me, without him here, it's just a house. Where I would either go check on him to make sure he was ok or needed anything or listen for him if he needed something, now..there's nothing but silence. People keep telling me it will get easier, if it does, I sure haven't really seen much of it. I still wake up missing him and go to bed missing him. Valentine's Day was a mess for me, I took flowers to the cemetary and set there talking to a grave, tears running down my face. Now March 18th is coming up quickly, which was his birthday and know it'll be another rough day. I've gone to counceling thru hospice, which has helped some, but I still hurt and miss him so much. We were more than husband and wife, we were a team. Nowadays, I still have problems getting motivated to get anything done. Hopefully, it'll be as they say, it'll get easier, it's kind of hard to believe since he was the love of a lifetime for me. My best to you both
1 step~1 day

what I do
by: Lyn Ann

Hi Linda -

3 months for me on the 20th.

First of all let me say that I had one of those 3 AM moments as well. I had asked God for a sign that Jim was somewhere out there, and still keeping an eye on me. And my experience was to awaken at 3AM two days later, clearly hearing Jim's voice saying "Lyn Ann, are you there?". Clear as a bell, out of a dream that had nothing to do with Jim. I was grateful for this small connection, but I found it very interesting that it wasn't warm and fuzzy or lovey dovey. The tone of his voice was very much like what he would use when he couldn't find something and wanted me to come downstairs and help him look...

My 'take away' from this was that Jim was telling me to get on with it. Its hard, unbelievably hard, everyday, but it will eventually get better, and we need to keep our hope fixed on that.

And when it gets really painful, I just roll up in a ball and cry, but at the same time I just ask God for help to make it through. He doesn't make it all better, but with his help I can eventually get up and press on with this day, and the next day, and the next. I read somewhere that God does not give us a crystal ball so we can see the future, but rather he gives us a candle for our feet. So we can see just one step at a time....

take care, Lyn Ann

Be Patient
by: TrishJ

Linda~Yes....I'm actually giving you advice to be patient. I am a very impatient person. I want instant results. I'm praying and asking God to please release me from this daily pain. So why aren't you listening to me GOD?
It's almost 3 months for me. I still cry daily, wake up with that sick feeling in my stomach every morning, and miss by husband until my heart feels like it will literally break. I've read 4 books on grieving properly from cover to cover. I actually started doubting my faith. I kept asking for a "sign" from Joe to let me know he is OK. A good friend told me to read the book "Talking to Heaven." It is by the psychic medium James Van Praagh. (Some people might think he's a quack but after reading this book I'm a total believer. It was very comforting). He says that as mortals we all want an angel to appear and tell us and say....I'm here with a message from your loved one. He says, "That AIN'T Gonna happen." He has taught me now to interpret the little signs we receive daily. I honestly did get a Valentine from my husband this year ~ long story.
It's a tedious horrible emotional ride. If we hadn't had that wonderful love in our life we wouldn't be grieving so badly. Everyone says don't make any major decisions for at least a year. I'm trying to work on me (a little bit each day). I have financial problems up the bu** but I know God will help me with those. We just have to keep plugging along. I told both of my children we have to live our lives the best we can and make their dad proud.
Blessings to you. One breath, one step at a time.

What we do
by: Judith

Linda, I do what you do and it's been 5 months. I cry as only one can in the realization he isn't coming back. It's grieving we must and until we know we have grieved it all out then we find we can move a little more towards the New Normal everyone talks about. It's by far the most hurt and sadness we will ever feel for a long time. We will always love them and want our life back the way we were before all the sickness and frustration and stress of being a caregiver that we didn't mind being.

God bless you on this horrific roller coaster ride.

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