Christmas is my favorite holiday. Christmas 2013 was more emotional than usual, besides the year before. On December 26, 2012, I lost my best friend. It was the first heavy snowfall since she had gotten her license. She was driving down the highway and spun out through the median and was hit. According to police she was killed on impact. Of course, one can only think about whether or not that was immediate, as well as what was she thinking as she spun out. My mom and boyfriend have told me over and over that it was too fast for her to realize what was happening, but I still can't stop thinking about it.
The most difficult part about this is the past with her. She was mildly suicidal when we first met. My best friend and I met her and we all instantly clicked. I guess, unintentionally, we helped her out of her depression. There were a few times when I'm pretty sure me calling her or showing up at her house kept her from cutting. I also helped her clean out her room and got rid of all the scissors she had hidden in her room. It wasn't something I really thought about until after the fact.
She's two years younger than I am. I left for college and she was doing better. Finally, when she started college, after I had moved 1,000 miles away, she was doing better than she ever had. Then, on December 26, 2012 she died.
And she didn't kill herself.
I guess this is part of what really occurred to me. She was finally away at college doing better than ever, and she was killed. If she had killed herself back in high school, I guess I could have expected it. She was incredibly depressed. But, now, she was doing better and she died in an accident. To me that's just not fair.
Immediately after I was able to spend time with my close friends who were also close with her and that helped a lot. They are a lot more religious than I am. Their comfort had it's limits. They came to peace with her death a lot faster than I did. I still haven't fully been able to come to peace with her death.
I was supposed to be with her that night. Well, at least in my mind I was. She knew I was going to be home and I had planned on texting her that morning to hang out that day. What if I had. What if I had texted her and she didn't end up on that highway driving back down to her apartment. I know I wouldn't have let her drive down there if we had been hanging out because I knew the roads were way too bad to drive on.
It's hard to come to peace with her death when your mutual friends were able to deal with it a lot faster, and differently than you.
Anyways. I love you Jess. I miss you more than anything and I miss your advice on life. I wish I had been there for you.