What if

by Rebecca

Christmas is my favorite holiday. Christmas 2013 was more emotional than usual, besides the year before. On December 26, 2012, I lost my best friend. It was the first heavy snowfall since she had gotten her license. She was driving down the highway and spun out through the median and was hit. According to police she was killed on impact. Of course, one can only think about whether or not that was immediate, as well as what was she thinking as she spun out. My mom and boyfriend have told me over and over that it was too fast for her to realize what was happening, but I still can't stop thinking about it.

The most difficult part about this is the past with her. She was mildly suicidal when we first met. My best friend and I met her and we all instantly clicked. I guess, unintentionally, we helped her out of her depression. There were a few times when I'm pretty sure me calling her or showing up at her house kept her from cutting. I also helped her clean out her room and got rid of all the scissors she had hidden in her room. It wasn't something I really thought about until after the fact.

She's two years younger than I am. I left for college and she was doing better. Finally, when she started college, after I had moved 1,000 miles away, she was doing better than she ever had. Then, on December 26, 2012 she died.

And she didn't kill herself.

I guess this is part of what really occurred to me. She was finally away at college doing better than ever, and she was killed. If she had killed herself back in high school, I guess I could have expected it. She was incredibly depressed. But, now, she was doing better and she died in an accident. To me that's just not fair.

Immediately after I was able to spend time with my close friends who were also close with her and that helped a lot. They are a lot more religious than I am. Their comfort had it's limits. They came to peace with her death a lot faster than I did. I still haven't fully been able to come to peace with her death.

I was supposed to be with her that night. Well, at least in my mind I was. She knew I was going to be home and I had planned on texting her that morning to hang out that day. What if I had. What if I had texted her and she didn't end up on that highway driving back down to her apartment. I know I wouldn't have let her drive down there if we had been hanging out because I knew the roads were way too bad to drive on.

It's hard to come to peace with her death when your mutual friends were able to deal with it a lot faster, and differently than you.

Anyways. I love you Jess. I miss you more than anything and I miss your advice on life. I wish I had been there for you.

Comments for What if

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Jan 20, 2014
What if
by: Doreen UK

Rebecca I am sorry for your loss of your friend Jess. Don't be hard on yourself wishing you were there for her. It sounds very much like you were there for her and helped her through her depression with you support. This is why she was doing so well. There will always be "IF ONLY". When we find it hard to cope with the loss of a loved one it is human to look for failing within ourselves. But this is part of grief and should pass with time. She died being in a happy place and not a sad place. She was moving forward with her life with your friendship. Be happy about this. We all want to hold onto life and family and friends forever.
I wish my husband never worked with asbestos as a young man in his 20's and he didn't cut asbestos a dangerous substance that gave him one of the worst cancers which was terminal. All he got out of life was to work hard and missed his retirement dying 20 months ago. Life isn't fair. Even when you are doing the right thing life can work against you. Grief is Hard and very painful. Recovery is very slow. Take one day at a time. I will be doing this one day at a time forever because I can't look beyond today. I can't plan what I am going to do in case I don't do it because of having up and down days. Try and get good support for yourself and talk about how you feel. Don't bottle it up. This helps the grief process.

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