What is going on?
Where do I begin? I'm writing this in some kind of attempt to figure out a way forward, to figure out what is going on with me.I feel lost, frightened, confused, crazy, guilty, lacking in confidence and just plain exhausted. Every day I wake up and wish I could just sleep or veg in front of the TV. I don't want to 'do' things that I know I should want to do - like eat healthy food, get some exercise, get excited about life. I don't want to go out of the house. It's too much effort to do the grocery shopping, to visit a friend, to walk in the garden.
I sleep but the dreams are terrible - violent, frightening, sometimes waking me with heart palpitations and rocketing blood pressure. I feel 'flat', lethargic. My mind jumps around from one thing to another. I can't focus, can't remember, can't feel. I keep thinking I'm coming down with flu. My body and my head ache. I feel as if I'm doped up on drugs (though I'm not) - sort of all fuzzy and slow and detached. I don't know what to do - where to go for help. Is this grief? Is this what it feels like?
I lost my beloved sister-in-law on Nov 29th last year to breast cancer. She was doing so well in September and we went away on holiday for 2 weeks, returning on 3rd October. A week passed and we had just settled back into our daily routine when the news came - 2 tumours in the brain. She had radiation - 10 days - and then went slowly downhill. By November she was in a hospice and died just after midnight on the 29th. There was shock - which lasted a couple of months - it all felt so unreal - I kept thinking I would bump into her in the Mall. Then angry thoughts - mostly related to feeling out of control in terms of her funeral (we had hardly any input and were told we had to be light-hearted, remember the good things and not grieve because that is what she wanted). I felt tense, sad, angry, overwhelmed, guilty. I cried - a lot! Then I would feel ok and then I would cry again - and again - and again.
Six months have now passed and my husband and the rest of the family seem to be getting on with life and coping better each day, but I just feel terrible! And I don't know if what I am feeling is grief. Shouldn't I be coping better by now? Is this grief or is there maybe something physically wrong with me? How do I get help? Do I go to my GP, my physician, a counsellor?
I hope writing it out will help me make a decision and take a step forward.