What Is My Dad Thinking?

My mother has been gone now for almost four years and my Dad has been dating one woman seriously for almost that same amount of time. He started seeing her three months after my mother's death. He has been telling me its not serious and she's providing companionship to him that he needs, which I completely understand, but now they're living together.

I wasn't concerned until a conversation I had with my Dad's girlfriend when I was taking them to the airport for their 'vacation'. I was having problems with my ex and she told me the next time he was creating problems I should tell him "My soon to be Stepmother has some words for him." I didn't hear anything else she said because my mind was on "SOON TO BE STEPMOTHER". Of course my Dad didn't say a word as he was driving on I-95 in South Florida and had to concentrate (if you live here, you know what I'm talking about). I was so floored and didn't know if I should say anything. I chose to not mention it because I didn't want to put my Dad on the spot. He didn't say ANYTHING to me about the two of them getting engaged, although he keeps telling me he loved my mother so much he could never, ever get married again nor does he want to.

This is freaking me out because I don't particularly like my Dad's girlfriend. She's always opinionated towards me, tells me I'm fat all the time. Okay, so I'm not exactly thin, but I don't need that pointed out to me. I don't wish to keep explaining to her that I'm a type two Diabetic on insulin and losing weight is difficult. She's as thin as a rail.

I realize my Dad needs companionship, but I feel like he's totally forgotten all about her and that hurts me. I tried to talk to him many times about this and my feelings about his girlfriend, but he never has time to talk. I thought we would grow closer now that Mom's gone and its just us, but that's not happening. He's pulling away from me and I don't know why. I realize I'm 43 years old and self-sufficient, but that doesn't mean I don't need him anymore.

I think if he intends on marrying this woman, he needs to be honest with me and my brother. So far he hasn't said anything and I don't know if I can believe anything his girlfriend says.

What does one do in this situation?

Thanks!

Ilana

Comments for What Is My Dad Thinking?

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Aug 29, 2013
What is My Dad Thinking?
by: Doreen U.K.

Ilana. I know this is a difficult situation to live with. I have a son your age. I had to let him go and live his life his way. I am not part of his life and it does hurt. But there is nothing I can do. This is His Choice.
Your father should be respectful enough to at least let you know if he is going to marry again. He is probably so much in love that his new girlfriend absorbs most of his life he is consumed with what is going on and hasn't taken stock of the fact he has you and your brother. CONFRONT HIM. Let him know that you found out "soon to be Stepmother" and IS IT TRUE? Let your father know you are hurt that you had to find out this way. Confront your father about your feelings and how he seems to have forgotten you and your brother and you still need to have contact with him in your life. You don't like having an absent father and still need to maintain contact with him. Ask him if He loves you and your brother? If he says yes ask him to prove it by maintaining contact. This is what you want. You will get some response.
Your father's girlfriend is wrong to call you fat. She sounds immature. I have suffered with this problem all my life and insulted by it. I know how you feel. I find that many slim people have a PREJUDUCE towards larger people. Try and find strength in yourself to not let this bother you. But saying this. Let this woman know that you won't tolerate her disrespectful behaviour towards you, and to never refer to you again as being fat. If you don't have positive results. You may have to walk away from a situation that won't improve but is making you very unhappy. Be assertive. You will get results. I wish you all the best and hope relations get better in time.

Aug 29, 2013
SIT THEM DOWN
by: BB

Ilana,

I think that you need to do what i did. I was in the same predictiment and had to sit them both down and ask what was up. I did this and it came out wonderful. I told my Dad that i felt like us kids were put on the back burner and that was not fair. I did not like the fact that Dad was seeing someone else but what could i do he is a grown man. I thought the same thing about his new fling that you did about your Dad's i did not like her. But after about a month i finally realized that i was the one being selfish who was i to keep dad from seeing someone else. Dad spoke to me and said that he will alway's love my Mom and nobody could ever replace her. But after being with someone for so long it's hard and sometimes scary to be alone. About the weight thing just be up front with her and tell her that you are happy that she is concerned but dont keep it going. Oh also tell her to eat a couple of cheeseburgers lol. Any way i hope that this helps you in some way. My Mom has been gone since 2001 and it still hurts. But i also know that she would want Dad to be happy.

Best Wishes,

BB

Aug 29, 2013
HE doesn't want to BE Lonely
by: Judith in California

Your Dad will never forget your Mother BUT>> he is still a person, not just your Dad. His life is far from over. HE has needs to feel vital and loved by someone and does not want to be alone the rest of his lie and you should understnd that. His choice of person may not be what you want but she is what he wants .The only thing you can do is express your dislike of the things she says and tell her respect goes two ways. And if she is going to be your stepmom then she will have to be respectful of your feelings and stop mentioning your weight.

The best approach is to be forthright up front and nip her comments in the bud. BE stong and stand up or yourself even if your Dad won't.

The worst thing people do in general is to not say whats on thier minds when it forst occurs. Then they sit and let it simmer until it boils over.

AND don't discuss your marital problems with them.. dicuss them with your husband.

You don't have the right to stand in the way of your Dad's loving someone or happiness.

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