what is the face of grief

by rita

I have been moving along this road they call life. It has been a Year since I lost my son to cancer or a by product of it host vs graf. He was 36 and had 2 children and was just your happy go lucky kind of guy. he did not have any rage, hate, did not smoke or drink just your normal person going down this road call life. who knows what stage I am in I dont. I get up everyday and m-f go to work. sat and sun if I am lucky i get the grandbabies. my husband (step father of my son) is supportive and loving. i go to "family" events although my Family is down to me and my brother. so "family" events are my husbands family. I smile and I try not to talk about "it" same at work same on facebook. I feel that i make people uncomfortable because of all the losses i have been through my son being the straw that broke the camels back. Inside my brain or heart who knows i am frustrated irritated at times and really could care less about much of anything. what has my interest grandkids of course not much else. i hardly ever cook anymore or clean i do get laundry done not much else. I have a great dislike for my daughter in law if you want to call her that. she made life hell for my son she continually told him that me and my ex husband were mean to her. he was going through chemo and a bone marrow transplant and we were her center of how mistreated she was. my ex and i never spoke or really got along until we finally figured out what was happening. they lived out of state so we would rotate in and out to help and it was the same each time if my son was in the hospital we did not get to go see him we cleaned and watched our grandkids. one of the many times of rotation my son had to go in to the hospital so i flew in early got a hotel room and rented a car and went to the hospital. she was there and my ex was at the house a cold welcome i recieved. i stated i would be over once my ex was ready to go to the airport. the ex called and asked for a ride to the airport and i said sure no problem. my cell rang a few minutes later and it was the daughter in law stating that there was no need to come he would get a taxi because his wife did not want us in the same car. then after a few more minutes it was the ex stating he needed a ride and he was whispering and said he would explain. the next morning i get there to pick him and the grandbaby up to go to the airport and that is when we compared notes finding out she had been lying whoops who would have thought we would compare notes she didnt.
making it short she came home with the 2 babies and left my son in dec and told him she wanted to come home to show off the kids. finally in Jan my husband went and packed up the house got movers and my ex then went down and drove him home. he spent christmas alone. once here i thought things would be good but host vs graf kicked in and he was in and out of the hospital one stay he was there for over a month and she did not go to the hospital one time not once. she said she was sick but she did go to vegas and also threw herself a birthday party. now that my son is gone she has not once yelled at me or my ex she has been nothing but nice. really? why couldn't you have done that when he was here so he did not have to be stressed. i am mad am frustrated i am hurt. my husband says i should see someone to help. help what to help me cry some more and go over everything again? then they would tell me to let it go. i am not crazy i have common sense. he really try he said you know that chris and your mom would not want you to unhappy and cry well duh. yes i get it can i control my feelings heck yeah i do it when i get up go to work pick up the grandkids and smile at her and let her know what we are doing. this is the face of grief phony and frustrating because YOU can't tell the truth.

Comments for what is the face of grief

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Mar 08, 2011
Grief comes with many faces
by: Judith

Rita, yes, please go to a grief counselor and talk yourself out til you're done. It's most harmful for you to hold your feelings back all the time. I hope you find peace with this.

My husband has been dead 6 months and I had to finally tell my husbands daughter off. She just would not stop with the hate and ugliness so I wrote her a letter and told her, without swearing, all the stuff I tried to tolerate all the 35 years and said this was where it all stops and that I would no longer tolerate her crap. And if she came to our home she was to treat me with dignity and respect because 1. I deserved it and 2. I am the one who is sole caregiver for him changing his diapers and feeding and doing everything which she wouldn't and if she didn't treat me with dignity and respect she would not be allowed in our home period. This way you give yourself back the power and take it from her. And you have to set boundaries.

We have to be honest from here on out, no more tolerating to keep the peace, not when we have turmoil inside us from doing so.

Please free yourself and tell your daughter in law how you feel.

Don't keep your feelings bottled up .. you must know it's not healthy.

Take care of yourself and look to God for strength.

Mar 08, 2011
by: Anonymous

Oh yes you can tell the truth. But is it worth it. The one thing that I have noticed as an aftermath of grief is that I am totally honest. To the point that I can be hurtful. No time for games anymore. If you need to have a down and out then calmly do so. If what is bothering you will not let you rest and have some peace, get it off your chest. If it will not change things and doesn't matter, let it go. Entirely up to you.

Nothing worse than a conniving manipulating person, especially in moments of stress during an illness or grief. Say what you mean, mean what you say, only you know what ghost needs to be cleaned out of the closet. Best of luck to you grief is hard enough without someone making matters worse...

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