What should I feel?
All Dolled Up
My husband, Allen, was only 33, but he was not living a healthy life. He was over 600lbs, and had sleep apnea and lymph edema. He did not eat correctly or wear his CPAP mask as he should have. Much of this is his own fault, but I am not angry at him. We had a loving relationship, but not always happy. I used to say that I love you, but I do not like you. I was usually joking, but not always. There were times when I could have walked away, but it was easier to stay with him. Due to some issues that I experienced as a child, I did not let many people get close to me. He was by far the closest. Right now, I just do not feel really much of anything. I am not sad, mad, happy, glad, angry, guilty, or anything really. I am just going on with life. In some ways, I am relieved. Not that I wanted him to die, but his passing did solve many of the small issues that we have been trying to resolve. I love my husband, I miss him. But I don't feel like I think I should. So, what should I feel? It has only been a week and it seems that everyone is watching me to see how I handle this. I feel like I do more of the consoling of the other people. I guess I do feel confused and under scrutiny. Is this normal?