What should I feel?

by PJ
(Atlanta, GA)

All Dolled Up

All Dolled Up

My husband, Allen, was only 33, but he was not living a healthy life. He was over 600lbs, and had sleep apnea and lymph edema. He did not eat correctly or wear his CPAP mask as he should have. Much of this is his own fault, but I am not angry at him. We had a loving relationship, but not always happy. I used to say that I love you, but I do not like you. I was usually joking, but not always. There were times when I could have walked away, but it was easier to stay with him. Due to some issues that I experienced as a child, I did not let many people get close to me. He was by far the closest. Right now, I just do not feel really much of anything. I am not sad, mad, happy, glad, angry, guilty, or anything really. I am just going on with life. In some ways, I am relieved. Not that I wanted him to die, but his passing did solve many of the small issues that we have been trying to resolve. I love my husband, I miss him. But I don't feel like I think I should. So, what should I feel? It has only been a week and it seems that everyone is watching me to see how I handle this. I feel like I do more of the consoling of the other people. I guess I do feel confused and under scrutiny. Is this normal?

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Apr 03, 2012
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry for your loss, we all grieve differently you may still be in shock or numb. I lost my almost 3 year old grandson in Jan this year, his mommy never cried, greeted everyone at the funeral and didn't seem like she cared. It hadn't hit her at that time that he was gone. A week later it did hit her and she tried to commit suicide, it still makes me cry, upset, angry at the drs all those feeling your not experiencing yet. Although you could be relieved because of all he had wrong with him that he didn't slip into a coma and live off machines for years. Hugs and much love, ann

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