What was That? What Just happened?!!

This is not a story of grief but still is a story about grief and the Joy that grows from such an awful unimaginable unspeakable dismal feeling that attacks your soul when death takes the Love that you once had.

This morning I felt a melancholy twinge begin to take over my mood as I started work. I thought oh no... Please not today. I am so sick of this miserable feeling taking over my life! It has been almost 2 years Please just let me be. I went into the bathroom and said a little prayer, I begged the great unknown to Please allow me some peace from grief. Not to let it ruin my day again and just to allow me a little joy from within that I have experienced with some regularity, getting better day by day.

Not that I am embarrassed at the tears the come now and then thinking of My Love. What we once had, the memories assailing my mind at an inconvenient time. (work) Trying so Very hard to concentrate at the business at hand but the tears come anyway. I even asked my sister for some way to distract my mind so that these feeling would not overwhelm me and ruin my day.

Then I began to serve 150 kids breakfast, This feeling came over me that can only be described as an overwhelming Joy! And the song came to me one of those songs we heard as children "Oh I've got Joy Joy Joy Joy down in my heart..."
Not especially religious more of a Golden Rule type of person I could not explain not describe this overwhelming contentment that came over me...

I said Thank You! Thank You! in my mind to this great unknown phenomenon that was somehow occurring to me. It was as If there were an Aura around me and I caught what might be a glimpse of...what heaven might be like. It was if I had had an injection for my pain in an emergency room but It was the pain of my heart, trying like crazy to escape the anchor of grief.

I have never had anything like this happen before but It felt as if it were a gift and some type of insight to some bizzaro unreal overpowering contentment that was never experienced by me before.

I shall remain anonymous as this would deem me a religious nut (I am Not) or some bogala boogila nut job. I assure you that logic and skepticism rules my demeanor for all that I can not feel see or hold is the norm for me, though Not from Missouri the show me state.
From: A (almost) 2 year grief veteran.

Comments for What was That? What Just happened?!!

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Oct 22, 2011
What was that? What just happened?
by: Mari

Oh my goodness what a blessing that message is. I believe it is a God thing and that you prayed and God gave you joy.
I would say He gave you beauty for ashes.
I have had moments like that too. I have been going through what my pastor calls the rain and lately too. But your message made me determined to find joy and I am going to start now.
It will be the 2 yr anniversary on Nov 22nt since my husband went to be with the Lord.There has been too much going on in my life and you have encouraged me.
Last night was especially hard for some reason until my grandaughter came over with 9 month old Aubree and we literally have to chase her through the house as she crawls with the speed of lightening down the hall. She is busy indeed. What a little love she is. She smiles as she gets into everything, happy as can be and us chasing her.
I found myself laughing and thanking God for that great grand baby and the fact that my mom has a great great. How my husband would have adored her. Maybe as in your case God uses children to bring us joy. May you continue to have that joy in your heart. And thank you for passing it on.

Oct 22, 2011
Spiritually Being...Alive

Concerning the term "religious nut" I meant not to offend but to merely let you know that I consider myself more spiritual then religious. I did not mean to piss anyone off. Merely let you know that this experience came out of no where and did startle me.

I needed something, needed strength. I have grown tired of fighting grief, trying to lead this new life with enthusiasm.

This Loving feeling that I experienced was like nothing I have EVER felt. For that I am thankful.

"It" has changed my way of thinking forever. There ARE guardian angels or spiritial guides whatever you choose to call them.

I was visited by such a thing, being a skeptic only made this more amazing and true. There is something beyond what we know and accept as fact. Something unseen that comes from the heart and heals what can only be described as Life. Because Death unfortunately is part of life.

Oct 22, 2011
much needed Joy
by: TrishJ

I could actually feel myself getting excited about your post. What a wonderful thing to have happen. Was it a glimpse of heaven? I think so.
As you are approaching the one two year mark and I am approaching the one year....I now can feel a bit more hopeful that good times may lie ahead. I've said so many times that I just want to feel excited about something again. A tiny glimpse of heaven (through your eyes) is all I need for today. Thank you for that.
I just might get my weary bones up and get something accomplished today.
What an inspiration.

Oct 22, 2011
Healing just happened
by: Judy

I think what you just experienced is the beginning of life coming back to you in all it's color and glory.

It's easy to take delight and smile at the things and people you love. Even in the darkest grief you can be delighted by your children, your family, even beloved pets. But to find joy and delight in something that is outside your circle of daily life is a sign that the grief shell around you is cracking and your letting some of the real world back in.

I can remember this moment for me. I consider myself a military widow. I was watching the pm news and there was a human interest story about a little Iraqi girl who was caught in crossfire in the street fighting. She was gravely wounded in both legs and near death; our soldiers picked her up and rushed her into the same medical unit where our wounded soldiers are treated. Our military doctors stabilized her, treated her wounds and eventually arranged for her and her mom to come to the US and be treated at the Shrine Children's Hospital (another largely unsung group who do amazing things.) This night she was walking on prosthetic legs!

For the first time I felt something besides loss and sadness. I felt proud of our military, I felt happiness that our country was willing and able to do this thing, and joy at seeing this lovely little girl smiling and walking again. I felt alive again.

As for being a religious nut, well I believe there are times that God (or whatever you want to call Him) just pops into everyday life. He certainly was around when the Boston firefighter caught the little boy who was dropped out a second story window. We saw God on the evening news that day. If this makes me a religious nut, so be it.

May this be the beginning of a richer more colorful life as you heal even more.


Oct 21, 2011
God just Happened
by: Judith in California

There is no shame in saying you believe in God. Some consider A religious nut as someone who believes in God more than they do. And what do you care what others think? If you live your life being so concerned with what others think then you are not living Your life. God answered your prayer and you're trying to make light of it rather than rejoicing in it with grace and giving the glory to God that He deserves.

We walk in faith not by sight.

I believe that you should feel what you feel and if you miss your husband and long for the days you had there is nothing wrong with giving in to the grief that will help heal you as well. For me grieving is a process that helps me think and feel that my husband is still a person who deserved to be loved so much and not forgotten after 35 1/2 years. I know widows who have lost their husbands 30 years ago that still cry occasionally.

We should not try to not feel what we really feel. We are not robots.

Please grieve when you need to. I hope God continues to to give you strength as you go forward .

Oct 21, 2011
What was That? What Just Happened?!!
by: Pat J

That was awesome! If only I could feel such joy in my heart.

There have been some amazing experiences in my and my adult childrens' lives since my husband died on June 27,2011. Our grief is still quite FRESH!
I can only describe them as amazing. I am Catholic, talked to our church Deacon and Spiritual ministry director about these experiences and was told my husbands' spirit had to use alot of energy to make these things happen. I share my experience and those of my children; I don't care what people may think of me; this is my grief to own and I will always cherish these things.
It will be 4 months next week that my husband of 46 years died, the day after our wedding anniversary, of a massive heart attack. Only people on this site and only people who have shared our loss can really understand. It kills me inside, when people say they understand or know or can imagine what I am going through. NO THEY DO NOT,NOT UNTIL THEY HAVE EXPERIENCED OUR LOSS.
Thank you for sharing your experience; guess I needed to read it before I went off to work this morning. I work for a school in food service, so I will be serving approximately 500 students at lunch; enjoy their enthusiasm.
Again thank you for sharing.

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