what wil become of me??

Hi everyone,
I am now over three yrs into the unwanted journey.
Things are improving and life is moving on. The kids now 18 and 16 are my rock. I amhappiest when I jave them around and at that age I see them slowy disappearing into work, social life and being teenagers.
I am ready to begin and try and find myself a new life. Scary and all as it is. I find this incredible lonliness and isolation intolerable and - find cracks beginning ti emerge again. I'm crying lots again, uncontrollably.
I'm lonely, so so lonely. My kids will be up and away very soon anmd the thought of that really scares me. I am so frightened of what will become of me. I'm 41 yrs old!!
Love to u all

Comments for what wil become of me??

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Mar 09, 2012
My sadness resurfaced
by: LJ

It's been 4 years and 3 months since my husband of 26-1/2 years died. Earlier this week, I had a dream of him and it was so vivid. He saw me in a crowd, didn't show any emotion or speak. He did, however, look directly in my eyes and I went up to him and hugged him and it felt surreal. I wanted to stay in that moment forever. Now, all I do is think about him -- how I miss his laugh, his sense of humor, his hugs and kisses. He was my best friend in the entire world! I find myself crying even after all this time!! I miss him more and more and know that he will never come back and want him back so bad it hurts. I find myself looking at his pictures and crying. Why am I feeling like this after all this time. How can I ever move on?

Feb 23, 2012
always here
by: jenny savge

I again to you all,
You lot are really are wonderful people and altho not written for a very long time I find u are all always here.....
We are a bit of a family and I am grateful to have u in my lives. 3 yrs and 3 mths later and I still need you and I can rely on you!! Thanks you so much from little old me in a small town in Northern Ireland.
As always love to u all,
Jenny. Xx

Feb 23, 2012
We Will Survive........
by: TrishJ

Thanks for your post. It gives me inspiration. I lost my husband 14 months ago. For some reason I thought the one year anniversary would bring me relief from this pain. I guess I just thought I would wake up on December 3rd (one year later) and think, "OK, enough of this grieving. I'm ready to move on." Boy was I wrong.
So after three years you feel ready and strong enough to face the world. I'm so happy to hear that. We are both too young to be widows. It's hard for me because all of my good friends still have their husbands. They understand but they really don't. I'm sure you know what I mean.
I've had to come to the conclusion that I will always love and miss my husband. Fourteen months later it isn't that stabbing crippling pain but it's still definitely there. I still have my dark day. Things will never be the same but I have hope that I will learn to live with my pain and eventually be able to move on. I just know I'm not ready right now.
Thanks again. Blessings to you for your new life.

Feb 23, 2012
You will be ok
by: M Mack


I hope you realize you've been catering to everyone else and forgot yourself. I'm sure the kids miss their dad but as you said- they will move on with life. You are young and must do the same. It's so sad that we never find another love as great as the one we lost. We will always compare the person with our soulmate. Talk to your hubby, as him for help. It may come in the most unusual way. He is with you and the kds in spirit and I'm sure he wants you to be happy. I am still a hot mess and it's 19 months today. I've had wonderful dreams, even a great kiss in my dream- I know he's around me and those little signs give me some relief from the pain and sadness. Hang in there Jenny and you are surrounded by his love. Take time whenever you need to and express your pain. We are here and know how you feel. Sending a big hug and prayers. Feel better hon.

Feb 23, 2012
thank you
by: Jenny

Thank you so much for taking the time to write back to me. This site in the earlier years was my lifeline as I'm sure you would all agree. I don't think I could have got this far on my own. It is invaluable and even tho Richard died Dec 2008 I always know u are all out there when I need you. Thank you so so much from the bottom of my heart.

Feb 23, 2012
For Jeni
by: April

Dear Jeni, I am so sorry for the loss if your hubby. I have some experience. My husband had a massive heart attack when we were both 43 in 2000, 12 years ago on March 17th. It still seems like yesterday. I had no time to grieve. I had a 19 year old son going to the University, & a 16 year old son at home. I had to resume my husbands business & I had a full time job. House payments, 2 car payment, & every other payment imaginable.f I would walk through the front door at night, drop everything & sob. I think it is wonderful & healthy to have the time you have had to grieve. You are never going to get over losing your husband, the father of your children. You are right though, your children are going to be busy with school, jobs, friends, & a very full life. As they should be. They want to see you happy. I know it's hard to be the rock. Start spending time with friends. Get some laughs. Try & boost your spirits. You are still a young woman, with decades ahead of you. I know it's hard to imagine them without your husband. You will always miss him you are always going to have that special bond. Be kind to yourself & go have some fun with your girlfriends. Your hubby would.want that to. Take care of yourself. Love & a big hug for you, April

Feb 23, 2012
by: Zoe

We all know that everyone grieves differently but it sounds to me like you put your childrens healing in front of your own. Because you did they are healing and moving on, only now you have to deal with your own grief and it sounds like it is coming in sharp contrast to the world around you.
I know Iv said this before but one of the things we as widows have to deal with is the redefinition of ourselves. You are not the woman you were 30 seconds before his death. You had made life choices, you had chosen to be his wife and partner. So, on top of figuring who you are now you do it with a new reality. Because we who have suffered this type of loss know that your plans can be snatched from you in the blink ofan eye. I mean everyone knows this in their head, but we, we have lived it.
For myself I am no longer tolerant of the petty or mean. Lies have no place in my life.
You have moved forward, time does that, but grief will be with you, I know it is with me. I am approaching my second anniversary and I am crying like a baby.
Be patient with yourself after all there is no time table for grief.
And as always come here when you need we are here and we listen
One breath one step one day at a time

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