What's the Point?

by Lesley
(Reality, unfortunately)

The only person close to me who has ever passed away, my youngest brother died at the age of 24 on 3/12/2009. Alan and I loved each other, but for the past few years my husband and I have been living 600 miles away from our families, so we didn't see each other very often. I'm not sure what 'stage' of grief I am in. I find myself wondering what the point is, to anything. Why should I ever do anything that doesn't make me happy? It might be the last thing I ever do. My parents say this feeling is an illusion, but I'm not so sure. Death is the reality, we just don't like to admit it. Why should we live our lives as if we were invincible? Why should we pretend that we have all the time in the world? It's ridiculous, really. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and yet it didn't happen to me it happened to Alan. At least it has taught me something. I've quit smoking. I don't take life for granted anymore. I'm not going to stay working at a job I'm not happy with. I'm not going to buy a big house and a fancy car so I can spend the rest of my life (however long that will be) paying for them. I know what matters to me. My husband, my family and friends. I plan to live for them, and not for stuff. Good luck to everyone else dealing with the death of a loved one. You'll need it.