What's wrong with me?

by Arlene
(Canada)

My ex and I separated over six years ago (divorce finalized two years later). Our sons were 14, 12, and 9 at the time. My ex moved in with the mother of my youngest son's two friends (her husband left). They lived nearby. At first, the boys lived with me in the matrimonial home, but two years ago, I moved about 35 km away because I could no longer afford to pay the bills, and I could not stand living so close to his Dad and his girlfriend.

Many of the neighbours "took sides" against me. My youngest son preferred to be with his Dad because it was so much fun with his friends there. Also, there were many planned outings, trips to cottages, extended family gatherings, etc., whereas I was struggling to make ends meet, and very isolated. When I moved, he and his brothers moved in with their Dad. Now, in spite of trying everything, my sons rarely want to see me. (My family of origin has shunned me because I lost my sons and failed to "play their game.")

The latest "problem" is that when my ex travels, the youngest stays with his best friend's family. He (the son) plays hockey, and my ex asked me to drive him to his games while he is away. I cannot bear the thought of knocking on the door of his "new mother's" house and picking him up. However, if I refuse to drive him, both my son and his Dad will be very angry at me, and I risk never seeing my youngest son again. Any suggestions about what to do would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Comments for What's wrong with me?

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Sep 13, 2010
So Sorry
by: Anonymous

My friends recently lost a son. I have been reflecting on my relationship with mine a lot. I love him more than anything. I pray that your's will become closer in time, in adulthood. Keep the love flowing, and be supportive. They still need you even if they are "far away." All children need their parents support. It has always helped me to get the support I need from counselors and friends, so that I can in turn feel able to be supportive.

Big hugs to you.

Mar 21, 2010
helpful hints
by: Anonymous

Hi,
I went through something similar some years back. I had a baby with someone who I thought would change. He did not, so I decided, after 14 days of living with the father post partum, to move back to my flat with my newborn.

I had no one except 2 good friends. My mom died 2 years before and my dad could care less...the baby's father was mad. I had the guts to keep to my convictions.

I asked God to please bring a babysitter, as I didn't have the energy to look. I was 38 years old and had my first baby basically alone, she weighed 2 lbs at birth. The day after I asked God...(and I am not a formal religious person)..a neighborhood woman showed up and said she had a babysitter for me. Stunning.

Well, babys father promptly got a new girlfriend and would take the baby on visitation and not tell me where he was bringing her. I hired a private eye...because it made me crazy. He tried everything to push me over the edge. He started bringing girlfriends over my house to pick up baby...this infuriated me as my hormones were crazy and I wanted US to be a family. When I found out about his girlfriend I cut all ties.

Now about baby, of course like you, we had exchanges to do. It was very painful to go to girlfriends house, he moved in with her shortly, to pick up my less than one year old baby. I asked my very good friend to go on exchanges, I later married him, thank God he was the right one.

I never went inside, even though girlfriend fake sweet invited me in. This helped a lot....until you have healed, don't go in their turf. Believe me their life looked so good compared to mine. I lived in an apartment, they had a house. I was single at the time and they had each other.

Well one thing I have learned is you can run but you can't hide... especially from grief. Healing should be the first priority. Also, my attorney said never not see your sons when the opportunity arises. DO NOT ENGAGE in backbiting the father to the kids; do not respond to any conversation except involving the children. I would almost bet the kids father will try to play you, find out about your life, etc. DO not engage with ex. You need the psychological divorce to move on.

Learn how to have a good life. The best revenge is living well.

My journey goes on... BUT I guarantee you , what goes around comes around....my ex's relationship didn't work out...it sounds like this one won't either... but hopefully you will have moved on by then. REALLY, who really wants someone that rebounds and treats the mother of his children like that? Sooner or later maybe only his mother will be the only one that can stand him, like my ex.

Hang in there. THESE strategies work, I have practiced them for years... detach... get counseling... get yourself better. The moment these people do not have an emotional trigger for you is the day everything changes.

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