When did this begin, where will it end???

by Sue
(Nowhere, Now)

I wish , and I have tried to give more description herein to the losses that began for me in 2005. My love, Tony, who I had shared 13 years with, great memories, and fabulous trips we never would of taken without each other, ( I was 43, he was 52) passed because he chose not to simply go to a doctor and be treated for something that he may of survived...he did not.

Six months later, my Mom, who had been sick for several years with heart, lung, and eventually kidney disease passed at home with my older sister, brother, myself, and my Dad doing our best round the clock taking shifts....

That was 2006--in 2007 one of my best friends in the world died of cancer at 54--I was unable to open myself up to her as I was still dealing with my grief, and will always feel guilt for that...

In 2008 my Daddy passed, with also heart and lung disease that he managed in a quiet, graceful manner after many hospital stays, he fell to the floor in our family home after I had spent a long day with him (Thank God for that) in front of my Brother and was pronounced brain dead.

In 2009, a new love, I had stupidly taken a chance on, was diagnosed with Fourniers Gangrene, due to MRSA on NEW YEARS DAY and was given a 20% chance of survival...after the removal of the infected areas, which were mainly in the groin area, and very much affected his body image, he did survive to come home. Although, he never quite recovered physically or emotionally after that point, I stood by him and WITH him.

In this year 2010, my Beloved Brother, Fred, dropped unexpectedly with a brain hemorrhage, and died within hours. I believe the death of my parents took him home.

My Wally, who had survived 2009, died three months later of kidney and liver failure at our home with me caring for him after the doctors told me he had very little time left. Both of these men were 57 at the time of their death. That was in September.

I am now 49---broken in pieces, managing as best I can, and I am trying. This last day or two have been a living hell, as has been the last too many years of life. I am frightened of the New Year, while looking forward, I am afraid of what is next.

Comments for When did this begin, where will it end???

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Dec 25, 2010
To Pat J.
by: Sue

I am not sure where (or if) I am supposed to respond to your very wise and understanding words, but I wish to thank you from what is left of my heart...I know we all share the same place here, and that is what makes it so safe to be in this #*&^%# spot... I cried aloud when I read your message, for someone heard my story, as stilted as it was, and understood.

God Bless You, and as best a Holiday as you can have. We DO have to LOOK for the blessings, in our boat, and yes.............I am so afraid to ever care or reach out again, I feel as though sometimes I am tainted and will cause more damage than good. It is not only about myself, but everyone I love seems to pass.....Please take good care of Yourself, cherish what you can, as I am...I, too realize what I'm going through is a process, but, OH BOY does it stink!!!!!! All the Best

Dec 24, 2010
my prayers are with you
by: Margaret

turn to God with all your sadness and he will comfort you in a peace only he knows, I lost my mother this past July, Held her in my arms as she took her last breath, something I will never forget, Hospice as been a God send to me and I thank God for them daily. My spiritual journey is not a easy one, but with their help I will make it thought.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Dec 24, 2010
Praying For You
by: Pat J

I too have lost one too many people in my life. I lost my younger brother, my dad, 2 very close friends and my husband just passed away while waiting for a heart transplant on December 3rd. My pain is still very fresh with his passing but I know how I grieved for my other losses so I know what lies ahead.

I was reading a book the other day and there was a passage, "We grieve so hard because we loved so deeply." It really makes you want to stay away from relationships that you fear will only end in more heartache.

I feel so lost and alone right now I'm not in any position to offer you any advice. I don't know if you find comfort in knowing that others care for you (complete strangers actually) but I am thinking about you and hoping you can find some peace. What will the new year bring us. My first New Year's Eve in 35 years with nobody to kiss at midnight. I'm not looking forward to that. People have told me to love those that remain and hold on to my husband's memory. I will try to do my best and the hope the same for you.

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