When does it get better

by Yvonne
(California)

Every one tells me it will get better. When? It has been a year and a half since Roger died. I miss him so much every day. I can't find any joy any more. I am so alone. Even in a group of eople I am alone. I exist and that is all. He was my only friend so there is no one to call. The kids are grown and have their own lives. I don't want them to worry about me . But I no longer have a purpose. My life stopped when he died and I don't know where to go or what to do.

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Apr 05, 2012
Almost Too Much To Bear
by: Anonymous

Yuvonne,I keep hearing it will get better too. And just like you, I want to know when. I know it is different for everyone. I just have difficulty imagining anything ever being alright again.I lost my husband of 21 years almost 6 months ago. The sadness seems only to worsen. My only son died 5 years ago at the age of 26. I was as devastated as a person could be, but this is different. Atleast when my sweet son died, I had my wonderful husband. I was certain that the loss of a child could not be matched or surpassed with grief or pain, but I was wrong. I have strong faith in God. I believe the bible. We all have our beliefs, but we need absolutes. Far as I know, God's words are the only absolutes. Other than what is written by Him, we are just making it up. So, according to His words, they continue to live because they believed Him. And according to His word, I will be with them again the very moment I breath my last breath in this body. I am only 57 yrs old. My husband was 58 when he died. He had melanoma. He was sick for two years.Prior to his sickness, he was a very active,FUN,FUN person. He LOVED people. He was funny and a total joy to everyone. Life of the party, good golfer, loved by everyone, because he loved people. He was so kind and always thought of everyone. Never missed anyone's special occasion. Our house was so busy. Now, I come home and haven't had a phone call all day! I am so lonely and I miss him so much. I have friends, but just not the outgoing type he was. His two daughters live out of town, but they call almost everyday and bring the grandchildren for holidays and other weekends. They are as kind as he was. They are a blessing to me. I am very thankful to have them in my life Just want to say, This is almost too much to bear and I share everyone's grief that is experiencing this.

Mar 29, 2012
It gets better when.....
by: M Mack

Yvonne,

You are not really alone on your journey. I for one am in the 20th month and feel as you do. People don't want to discuss our loss. They are too uncomfortable, don't know what to say without touching our sensitivities. The other day I watched a show on the afterlife. They say life doesn't stop, it exists along side of us in a different plane. Now IF this is true, and there are many trying to prove the theory, they never left us. We just can't see them as we did before. My heart tells one thing and my head another. But if you believe that they are with you in spirit, and that you will be together when it's your time, you can resign yourself to the fact that you are left here for a good reason. Our lives are always tested and we have to take what is given to us to make something good of it! Religion is not involved but if you have faith, use it. Remember, we all grieve at our own pace. One year for some is like 3 for another. I am trying the approach of knowing that life won't be this way forever. I still have some very sad days, but I know I will be with my love when my time is up. Take care of yourself and we are here for you. Keep writing, know Roger is watching out for you and wants you to be well. Sending a cyber hug and prayers for all of us on this crazy ride.

Mar 28, 2012
It gets better when you have patience with yourself...
by: HH

Yvonne,

I thought everyone would be all over this telling you that it was going to be alright in words that sooth instead of discourage. Gee I wish that I could tell you that on the ninth month things were back to normal. But it does not work that way. The first year are...well full of firsts and we are pretty proud to survive that first year. As the second year without our Loves begin somehow it kicks in pretty hard that well this is the way that it is. There is no help and most people have returned to their "Normal" lives.

It is from this point that we back up and take a good look at ourselves. Try to be patient with yourself as you try to carve out your new normal. The new Normal meaning living life as best as we can. Learning stumbling and falling back into grief more often than we would like.

I am 2 years in and STILL feel like the rug has been pulled out from me at time, But thankfully the days are mostly good a few rough spots but I accept them for now to be who I am...At this point anyway.

We will grow stronger finding the courage that we did now know we had. This is the same courage many of us used while being a caretaker for our sick husbands. What is the fist thing they teach you about being a caretaker? It is to take care f yourself! Please do and cut yourself some slack. Grief is HARD WORK! Probably one the THE most emotional and physically draining jobs that we have ever worked through in our lives.

Keep on keeping on and when you feel tired weak and spent come here...We will always listen and be here for when you stumble.
HH

Mar 28, 2012
You Do Matter..
by: Vickie

Yvonne, I just read your blog. I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I want you to know that you are not Alone. I know there are so many others here at this site that feel as you do ,or have felt this way at one time or another.

You said it has been a year and a half since you lost your loved one. I lost my youngest daughter two and half yr's ago and it was actually harder the second year. I have had other people tell me the same thing. I truly believe it is because the shock wears off after the first year and reality of our enormous loss hits us. Daily life starts to seem a bit more routine and we start to feel the pain even more. I am able to say now, that I have some decent days. It took a good two years to even find my way. I still have diffficult spells/days but they aren't as often. I am able to go to sleep w/o thinking only about my daughter's death and I can wake up and not have it be my first thought. I still MISS her every day just as much ,but I have learned that it's okay to feel some happiness. At first I felt guilty for feeling happy. I thought it should be my daughter here feeling this. I realized over those first couple of yr's that I can't bring her back. No matter how much I wanted to-I couldn't.

I don't know if you have tried attending any type of actual support groups in your area. I know that often people find it more depressing ,but I know that there are some that are helpful. You mentioned that he was your only friend..? I don't know all there is to know about your story. I am going to give you my personal email and if you would like-please feel free to email me. I hope that you can find some moments of peace soon.

Thinking of you, Vickie vjh829@yahoo.com

Mar 28, 2012
Getting better
by: Judy

Yvonne,

I can clearly rememeber feeling that life had no purpose, that I was here drifting along without Barry and having no future anymore. I think I spoke about it in my posts as well. It is a sad and hopeless feeling.

I can only tell you that it will get better, maybe soon. At a little over two years I just woke up one day and felt better about everything. Do I have a clear future? No not at all. Do I have a purpose? Yes to make the best of whatever life is coming to me and to try and take something from each day. We all know how quickly things can change from ok to horrific. Each day is a treasure of sorts, maybe because I spoke to my daughter, maybe because I saw some Sandhill Cranes on the way to work, maybe the cat did something especially amusing. The change is that I am now seeing things I just didn't see before and the cumulative effect of this is that I am happier again. I wish this for you and all of us who are still going along this road.

Yes I am still on this road. Just recently I had a period where I just missed Barry so desperately that I thought I would burst. I still hate the holidays, still get the blues around them, all of them. I still don't know what my future is but it's out there and I'll take it as it comes.

My heart breaks for the newer widows but that's the thing of it-you just gotta live it.

It gets better when it gets better.
hugs and love all around.

Mar 28, 2012
When does it get better
by: Mari

Yvonne, I am truly sorry for your loss and how bad you feel.
The grieving process varies with each person. In reality a yr and half is not very long after years of memories. I can tell you that it will get better. There will be times when it is harder to deal with then other times.After all this is someone you loved and cherished.
Please stay close to family and friends.
Do you have a church you attend? Staying close to the Lord really has helped me.
The thing about losing a loved one is that we feel loneliness and heartache.Some day you will see your husband again. If you have that assurance it will bring you great comfort.I realize everyone deals with grief in their own way.For me having a church family has really helped.Staying busy helps me too.I am on my 3rd yr without my husband and I still think of him.But I have the assurance of seeing him again.I work 2 jobs and will be attending the second half of my DSP class in April required for my job.How rewarding it is and how nice to know that at age 67 I am still learning new things.My husband was always proud of my accomplishments and I was proud of him.
It has been hard on my grandchildren and I am sorry my husband did not live to see our great granddaughter who is now a year old.What a little sweetheart she is. He loved his grandchildren so much.But think of this Yvonne, a glorious reunion in heaven. Because heaven is a real place and people will live forever there. It is a guarantee that you will see your loved one again. And we are here for you whenever you need someone to listen. Keep posting. Mari

Mar 28, 2012
When does it get better
by: Mari

Yvonne, I am truly sorry for your loss and how bad you feel.
The grieving process varies with each person. In reality a yr and half is not very long after years of memories. I can tell you that it will get better. There will be times when it is harder to deal with then other times.After all this is someone you loved and cherished.
Please stay close to family and friends.
Do you have a church you attend? Staying close to the Lord really has helped me.
The thing about losing a loved one is that we feel loneliness and heartache.Some day you will see your husband again. If you have that assurance it will bring you great comfort.I realize everyone deals with grief in their own way.For me having a church family has really helped.Staying busy helps me too.I am on my 3rd yr without my husband and I still think of him.But I have the assurance of seeing him again.I work 2 jobs and will be attending the second half of my DSP class in April required for my job.How rewarding it is and how nice to know that at age 67 I am still learning new things.My husband was always proud of my accomplishments and I was proud of him.
It has been hard on my grandchildren and I am sorry my husband did not live to see our great granddaughter who is now a year old.What a little sweetheart she is. He loved his grandchildren so much.But think of this Yvonne, a glorious reunion in heaven. Because heaven is a real place and people will live forever there. It is a guarantee that you will see your loved one again. And we are here for you whenever you need someone to listen. Keep posting. Mari

Mar 28, 2012
So sorry
by: Jen

I am so sorry for your loss.....my son died on 10/25/11 he was only 23yrs old. I have been heartbroken everyday with his passing....he was my best friend and my oldest son. I read what you wrote and felt compelled to write something to you....I know it is hard to go on with life but you have to do something for yourself. It's so hard and so much more easier to roll over and die with the person we have lost but for whatever reason we are still here and have been given the opportunity to live this - each day is a gift. You have to help yourself....a support group, pray and ask God for your purpose for being here. We all need each other in this life...relationships are everything. Please feel free to email me I would love to chat with you. My email is jmcdonoughrosen@hotmail.com

Mar 28, 2012
Hang in
by: Anonymous

Yvonne, You cannot give up hope. I lost my son last year and I struggle everday with my loss. My life will never be the same but I have to try to live my life in honor of my son who loved his life and lived his life. You need to be here for your other loved ones and yourself. They do not want to lose you too. You have to get up everyday and keep moving forward. I try to find one small positive moment in each day. Try to be strong and just take it one day at a time, don't rush your grief, it is a long sad journey that you are going to have to travel alone. If you think to much into the future it will only make it harder. I hope you are able to get out into nature, that is where I find my peace. If you are all alone a pet really helps. They will love you unconditionally. Take care of yourself and be good to yourself. And yes, it will get better , it just takes time.

Mar 28, 2012
reaching out
by: Judith in California

Yvonne, what city in California do you live? I live in San Fernando Valley in Canoga Park. If close by maybe we could meet.

Mar 28, 2012
You will find Peace
by: Judith in California

Dear Yvonne, it does become more peaceful. Please read my letter: 18 Months of GrIef, Honest Reflection and Change. When I let go of all I cried about and missed and hoped could have been different I became at peace.
There comes a point to where we turn away from our grief and make a decision to move forward only because we have no other choice. Our loved departed ones would not want us to waste away.
When I cry now I remind myself all the tears and wishing it were different will not bring him back.
For me, I decided to love me and be good to myself as I was to him. I have 3 kitties that need my attention and care daily. Have you any pets? It may help you. Do you have closets and drawers that need to be cleaned out of old or expired items? Do you need to paint a room or sew some clothes? Or make new pillow covers for your sofa? Have you decorated the table for Easter? I do this because I did it for him. And if he is looking down on me he will see that I fixed the house up for him and he will be pleased. He will see that I'm carrying on and am okay.
I go to the mall on weekends and have met some other ladies and we sit and share cookies and have coffee and talk and then we go out to eat or to a nightspot every two weeks. We need to take care of ourselves because we can't afford to be sick because our children and other family members still need us. We have to reach out to others as hard as it is to ask for help if we need it . People can't read our minds so we have to let them kknow we fell lonely or are afraid. Do you have sisters or brothers?

I hope some of this helps Yvonne. It is a rough road and we just have to put one foot in front of the other and behave our way out of this grief. We fake it till we make it. IF I have done it so can others. I loved my husband with all I had and I showed him time and again. It doesn't mean I loved him less because I want to enjoy what life I have left.

Take care and God bless you and give you peace to move on.

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