When Does the Pain End?

by Jill
(Chicagoland)

I am a lovely, talented, intelligent, professional mother of two. And I'm still, after 4 years, grieving the end of my 16 year marriage.

It's only been a year and a half since the divorce but I thought I'd be fine by now. Seriously. I have great friends, a counselor I can call if needed, I have read the books, and I know how to grieve.

But I'm so tired of it.

I want to enjoy this time of my life. My kids are doing great, I have a beautiful townhome, a job that I love...

But I can't seem to have more than a week or two of peace and joy at one time.

My head says this is all normal. My head knows that I gave myself wholeheartedly to my marriage, to my husband. And that I love deeply and therefore it may take time. Blablabla

My heart hurts. Not for him. No, that's been gone a long time. My hearts just feels sick of waiting, sick of hoping, sick of wanting, and sick of feeling like I'm on my own.

Yes, I know, I'm not really alone. I know (again, with my head) that there is, in fact, a God. And He loves me, even likes me. But I feel nothing. Mostly just bored. I can't read like I used to, I have way too much time on my hands, or not enough, and want everyone to go away. I can spend a great time with a friend or two and have fun and even laugh...a lot. But the minute I'm alone, it's there again. Crushing silence. The void. Like the world is just empty and here I am.

Alone.

What I would have given for just a moment of feeling lonely when the kids were little and I was at home fulltime for all those years. Naptime and bedtime was exquisite. I would put on soft music, light candles and just relax and soak in a bubblebath until I was wrinkled beyond recognition...

I loved being alone.

And even now, I can have dinner alone, fly on an airplane alone, go to the mall alone. And it doesn't bother me at all.

But there still comes the dark nights, creeping up on me when I least expect it. And then I know.

It's back. The pain. The numbness. The complete boredom. And no matter what I do, it won't just go away. I mean, I can't make it go away.

But it will. It will go away I wish saying that it will go away would feel like hope. But it doesn't.

It will just be gone one day. It's happened several times. And I feel like myself again. Clearheaded. Optimistic. Hopeful. Brave.

But not today.

Today I'm scared. And little. And the debt is bothering me and I feel fat, and every ounce of the 20 pounds I gained, from the lattes and chocolate I have used to manage the stress, feels uncomfortable and foreign.

And I know that everyone in the house is happier than me.

And that's just downright frightening because I live with a teenaged drama-queen daughter with wicked PMS.

Comments for When Does the Pain End?

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Jun 04, 2012
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by: Anonymous

you clearly have to learn to enjoy silence, i do not doubt that you are not clever enough to know how to be calm and embracing your life. ive seen my ex gf for the first time in 2 1/2 years today and i went into the toilet a forced out an empty reach ... ive done everything youve done from books to councilors ... i cried hard today. i saw her new bf. if they are happy then im not going to be the bitter bug and mope over it but i just going to embrace that the 2 are happy. anyway sticking to the point..

you are doing everything you can my friend.just accept the fact that you alone. wen you get that loneliness have a cry and cry as hard as you can wen you can i think is the nicest feeling, ive recognized all different types of crying over her, but its not as sore as b4 thats wen you realize your actually good:).. and always remember that those feelings of loneliness will always come and go for the rest of our lives i think anyway. BUT on the upside there sud be a point where you actually feel its coming and you can control it :) you cant always be up cos there is downs. lifes a bitch that way im afraid.

i dont know if this helped you or if i wanted to share a wee rant or whatever im just saying im feeling your story and i respect you for doing all that you can ... you can be damn sure your ex partner isnt ... youve good karma for even been here i think... right im off to bed .. ill try focus on the silence myself.. your not alone peace <3

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