When does the pain stop

by Annetra

My grandmother passed in 1993. I was 17 just had a baby a month early in March and she died around the due date my daughter was suppose to be born April 2nd. I'm shaking right just thinking about all of this. Wow can't move forward .I'm 38 years old and still crying like it happened yesterday. I didn't go to her funeral because I did not want to see her laying there like that. Mama went into the hospital because she was always in so much pain had a operation never made it home. The operation was now over I told my mother my grandmother did not breathe like that when she sleeps. A nurse that was fitting for compression stockings said that is normal I disagreed. We left to pack up her belongings because she was moving with us when she got out of the hospital. We received a call that evening it's like we all just knew it was about her we were screaming. The said she had a heart attack and was found on the floor!!!!! So when was the last time they had checked on her? My mother didn't allow us to talk about her so we kept it all inside. My kids aren't allowed to ask me questions about her because it hurts so bad. I feel like this is the cause of my unhappiness. I'm not a good mother or wife, can't show them love I buy them things and that's my way of showing them I love them but I can't hug them or tell them that I do just don't know how.
I'm so scared of someone leaving me that I realized I hold to tight and I'm pushing them away from me.
I just want to feel better and be able to cope.

Comments for When does the pain stop

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May 31, 2014
The pain stops when you face it and express it.
by: Doreen UK

Part 2
Annetra I ran out of space and wanted to expand my post to you by saying that you are not unusual. There are many people like us who fear PAIN. No one understands how bad the pain of grief is till they experience this. I can understand how many people want to shove the pain aside thinking if they avoid it then it will go away. IT WON'T. It will feel much worse and more painful. Let the pain come. Cry as much as you need to. Crying will wash the pain out of you. Talk freely with your children and let them express themselves so that they grow up with better mental and emotional health. You can also keep a journal and write out your feeling and pain. Putting it down on paper will get this pain out of your system.
You say that you can't hug your children. This is called showing affection and often many people find this hard to do. Buying is a way of caring, but affection is showing love that helps one to feel cared for and loved in a better way. Both are good outlets. When you deal with the pain you will feel the love more. When you show affection you will draw people towards you. If you push them away you will harm them, especially children. Also learning to love yourself will draw people towards you. It will make you more attractive to others and they will want to be around you. It is possible to develop these skills even late in life. Grief and losing loved one's can make us feel we will lose more people from our lives so we push people away from us as a way of protecting ourselves from feeling more pain. This is your coping mechanism at the moment. But you can change this when you understand what is happening and reaching out for support from a good counsellor. half the battle is understanding what is happening to us, and why we are doing the things we are doing when grieving, and finding someone to help us cope with this and to help us change our behaviour into developing better coping mechanisms and feeling more secure with ourselves. It is possible for all of us to make changes in our thinking and living. Your world will change and you won't know how much happier life can be when you start to make even the smallest changes in your life. Don't give up! and don't stop counselling if you choose this. I faced severe emotional pain. Crushing pain. And it didn't kill me. I faced it. Went through it. And I healed to the point of feeling AMAZING. Can't be put into words. You just need the right person to counsel you. Best wishes.

May 31, 2014
When does the pain stop
by: Doreen UK

Annetra many of us grow up in homes where a parent or grandparent had a parenting style that caused us to repress our emotions and feelings. We weren't allowed to express how we feel. We then grow up and behave the same way because that is all we know. Then when we have difficulties in life we find it harder to make the correct decisions or choices in life. We can then make more mistakes than usual and also lose our confidence. This does not make you a bad person. You are just a product of your upbringing and environment. You have become scared in life and hold things tightly as a way of feeling SECURE in life. First thing you need to do is do one good thing for yourself, start doing this every day till it becomes a way of life and you are always doing good things for yourself. You will be developing self-esteem and LOVING YOURSELF back into life. You feel you are a bad mother and wife because you feel bad inside. You push people away from yourself because you don't feel worthy of their love or being loved. You somehow feel as if you need to be punished for something.
If you are able and can afford it you could benefit from working with a good psychologist/counsellor to explore why you feel the way you do, which I feel has its roots in your childhood/upbringing. You are 38yrs. and not enjoying life. It is never too late to do something about it. I DID.
I took myself off to see a good psychologist/counsellor in my 40's and ended a lifetime of depression and unhappiness. I had a husband and 3 children at the time and trying my best to be a good mother and wife. I did my best, but I made it better after spending 4yrs. in counselling. It was very expensive but the best investment I ever made in my life. It was worth paying to feel the way I do now. Only problem is my husband died 2yrs. ago from cancer and I am back to fighting the grief pain and loss of a man I loved and was married to for 44yrs.
Life is hard and we must try to access people who can help us move forward when we don't have the life skills to do this on our own. My story should give you the confidence to take the first step into making your life better. Start thinking better about yourself. Don't run yourself down even if this is how you grew up. The clue is in your statement when you said your mother wouldn't let you talk or express how you felt. This is called REPRESSION. It is now time to make your life better and for the people in your world and family. I DID IT. And it works. I am sorry for all your losses in life and especially losing a mom and a baby. This pain won't go away by itself you have suffered now for many years. You can be happy again.

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