When pain takes over
It all happened 6 years ago, my sister passed on from a medical mishap in the ICU. It was 30th Dec 2009, a day i'll never forget... You see, She was always like a second mother, having been brought up by her during my teenage years, she had the duty of my guardianship whilst we were both studying abroad. Born incredibly beautiful, smart and talented- my parents had always been able to count on her for advise and comfort. She had everything in front of her, a fiance who loved her greatly, great career, and people who loved her to her bones.
She was one who remembered all the important dates, never missed a birthday present in my entire life, or my parents. Never forgotten my parents wedding anniversary, mothers or fathers day, ever , in the 25 years she's lived. The 9 months she was hospitalized i wished every day and prayed that i could take her place, because i can't' be the perfect daughter that she was. And i wasn't smart enough to earn enough for this family. I will never make my parents proud. Never.
The day she went -I've lost my abilty/right to cry in front of anyone else. i didn't cry in front of anyone, not at her wake , still trying to keep up with the public persona that i was ok for fear that my aged parents would feel worst seeing my upset. Everyday for a year, i cried, only in the comforts of my bathroom whilst taking my shower.
Her leaving, changed everything, my parents became withdrawn, my mother would cry herself to sleep occasionally, my dad would watch videos of my sister every night in his study, and would cry quietly by himself. This went on for 5 years, i knew my father never got over my sisters death. I remembered walking past the study one night when my mother was comforting him, and he mouthed the words "But she was my favorite".
My father passed on 2 months ago, from stage 4 colon cancer. From the day he was diagnosed to his death, it was 22 days. We were told we had at least 6 months, how could it be reduced to days? He's been sick for more than a year but never told anyone. Again , at his funeral, i maintained composure and never once cried. It went on 2 weeks and i started feeling angry, lost disappointed. The promises i made to my sister, i didn't get to deliver them. His promises, he promised to walk me down the aisle. He didn't. I felt so discouraged, as though the world was made up of lies and ive never quite gotten over it.
Friends and relatives would randomly comment whenever they see me and make sweeping statements "Be strong for your mom". And it would always get me, i would always be thinking in my head " What do you think i've been doing, you dont know what i've been through" Who's gonna be strong for me?
My grandma just passed away an hour ago, and i haven't gathered the courage to see her at the hospital.
I was always the apple of her eyes, and i've disappointed her greatly by placing a distance between me and her ever since my sister left. By being the recluse that i am now.
To my sister, father and grandma, i'm so sorry. I never got the chance to tell you i love till its too late.