When pain takes over

by Mia

It all happened 6 years ago, my sister passed on from a medical mishap in the ICU. It was 30th Dec 2009, a day i'll never forget... You see, She was always like a second mother, having been brought up by her during my teenage years, she had the duty of my guardianship whilst we were both studying abroad. Born incredibly beautiful, smart and talented- my parents had always been able to count on her for advise and comfort. She had everything in front of her, a fiance who loved her greatly, great career, and people who loved her to her bones.

She was one who remembered all the important dates, never missed a birthday present in my entire life, or my parents. Never forgotten my parents wedding anniversary, mothers or fathers day, ever , in the 25 years she's lived. The 9 months she was hospitalized i wished every day and prayed that i could take her place, because i can't' be the perfect daughter that she was. And i wasn't smart enough to earn enough for this family. I will never make my parents proud. Never.

The day she went -I've lost my abilty/right to cry in front of anyone else. i didn't cry in front of anyone, not at her wake , still trying to keep up with the public persona that i was ok for fear that my aged parents would feel worst seeing my upset. Everyday for a year, i cried, only in the comforts of my bathroom whilst taking my shower.

Her leaving, changed everything, my parents became withdrawn, my mother would cry herself to sleep occasionally, my dad would watch videos of my sister every night in his study, and would cry quietly by himself. This went on for 5 years, i knew my father never got over my sisters death. I remembered walking past the study one night when my mother was comforting him, and he mouthed the words "But she was my favorite".

My father passed on 2 months ago, from stage 4 colon cancer. From the day he was diagnosed to his death, it was 22 days. We were told we had at least 6 months, how could it be reduced to days? He's been sick for more than a year but never told anyone. Again , at his funeral, i maintained composure and never once cried. It went on 2 weeks and i started feeling angry, lost disappointed. The promises i made to my sister, i didn't get to deliver them. His promises, he promised to walk me down the aisle. He didn't. I felt so discouraged, as though the world was made up of lies and ive never quite gotten over it.
Friends and relatives would randomly comment whenever they see me and make sweeping statements "Be strong for your mom". And it would always get me, i would always be thinking in my head " What do you think i've been doing, you dont know what i've been through" Who's gonna be strong for me?

My grandma just passed away an hour ago, and i haven't gathered the courage to see her at the hospital.
I was always the apple of her eyes, and i've disappointed her greatly by placing a distance between me and her ever since my sister left. By being the recluse that i am now.

To my sister, father and grandma, i'm so sorry. I never got the chance to tell you i love till its too late.

Comments for When pain takes over

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May 02, 2013
When pain takes over
by: Doreen U.K.

Mia I am sorry for the loss of your sister, father, and grandma. You seem to have walked in the shadows of your sister and wondered where you fitted into the family and so feel lost and wounded. I guess many of us come from fractured families. There will always be favourites in a family. If only we could understand how damaging this is to a child who grows up as a result with no self esteem and feels bad about themselves.
I know you would have loved your sister and also felt sad that you couldn't live up to her standards in the eyes of your parents. Your parents would have been SO WRONG to expect you to measure up to your sister. You are both individuals with your own special qualities that should compliment each other within the family. We are all victims of our upbringing and carry the wounds of being or having a favourite child.
I was a favourite Child because I had qualities in me that made it easier for my mother in bringing me up. I then was the one who took care of everyone. Immense burdens of responsibility placed on young shoulders. I became the PERFECT DAUGHTER. This caused jealousy in my sister's and they gave me a hard time. As an adult when visiting our parents I used to stay away purposely so that my sister's could get some attention from my mother. I then went on to have the PERFECT DAUGHTER. She made life so easy. Obedient. Placid. A delightful Special person. But I didn't LOVE my other 2 children less. I just loved them differently. But I guess the child who is on the receiving end will grow up with wounds that will be hard to repair or heal. I do understand how you feel. I also know the damage that can be done within the family when one doesn't feel as valued as the other's. You must have been very hurt to hear your father say that your sister was his Favourite. Only you will know if you felt loved less as a result. If you were to go and see a counsellor you could heal from this wound and build in you the self esteem that you have lost. You would be able to grieve this loss and the loss of the family you have lost so that this does not limit your life and stop you moving forward in a healthy way.

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