When someone you love dies, the world stops momentarily...and then moves on relentlessly...

by Alassia

And I discover I have been left behind: by my husband and by the world. Life goes on, for everyone else but me. After all the fighting with doctors, with an inadequate system, we have he announcement that there has been a massive oedema. ‘Take your time’ says the doctor. ‘Tell us when you are ready for us to switch off his life support – but tomorrow would be good for us.’

Convenience at its worst.

I couldn’t make that decision and so my darling husband made it for me. His blood pressure started to drop and his heart rate started to slow down. Within two and a half hours, and just as I kissed him on the forehead, the monitor gave a continuous beep... The worst sound in the world. My baby left this world, protecting me until the end of his life.

I believe his Love for me, and for his brothers and sisters, prevailed over ‘convenience’. His spirit knew I was too weak, too traumatised to make such a momentous decision and that I wouldn’t be able to cope afterwards. So he did it for me.

He always was my hero and always will be.

Afterwards, convenience took over again. The funeral had to be arranged at a convenient time: for the other mourners, the priest, the gravediggers, the Funeral Directors.

Fifteen weeks later, I’m still not coping.

I think, by now, I have become an inconvenience.

It has been inconvenient - understandably - for my employer that I have fallen apart; it’s been inconvenient for former ‘friends’ who sent me text messages, two weeks after the funeral , to wish me a ‘Happy Easter’ that I couldn’t reply. It also seems to be inconvenient to visit one half of a couple.

Especially, it seems to be inconvenient to others that I haven’t been able to ‘move on’.

After the funeral there is a huge silence.


LIFE is not ‘convenient’ for me!

Comments for When someone you love dies, the world stops momentarily...and then moves on relentlessly...

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Jul 18, 2012
by: Anonymous

I lost my best friend 11 months ago but the reality didn't really kick in until after 6 months - up till then I thought I was doing quite well! Counselling helped me, but not group counselling - the very thought makes me cringe, but the woman I saw was very empathic and just accepted my grief and was very compassionate.
Gradually I was able to feel that there was a future, and although there's a long way to go I can reccomend it - but only the right counsellor. The friends who don't understand - let them go, for a while or for ever - no-one else will truly understand unless they have been where you are.
It will become more bearable - you learn to adjust to this awful reality, and then eventually to see flashes of light and happiness in the darkness. But it takes time, and I think maybe on some level the scars will always be there and hurt.
I hope this website helps - it helped me.

Jul 17, 2012
re: My wife by Anonymous
by: Anonymous

I think we are at the same stage in this awful journey. I have no fear of death any more and would welcome it wholeheartedly.

I truly envy your acceptance that we have to continue on this journey which our partners have managed to complete.

But, I don't understand why we have to!

Jul 17, 2012
re Life goes on
by: Alassia

Thank you, Janet, for your suggestions and i will visit the websites.

I did try grief counselling. I felt I was being bombarded with questions by the most recent leader of the group (it changes from month to month here) because I wasn’t able to offer much to the group. I think I am a fairly private person and it was hard to go to the group, anyway. However, with the spotlight on me, I was able to answer the question ‘What have you found most difficult this week?’ For me, what was most difficult was functioning at a basic level: getting out of bed and showering.
The next question, in front of the whole group, was ‘Tell me about him’.
Wow. I couldn’t cope, didn’t know where to begin. The group leader was ‘new’ and I had already told the others in the group about my husband.
I had to leave and go home...

Has speaking to a 'psychotherapist' worked for anyone? For me, it hasn't.I now think this is a false 'profession' preying on the vulnerability of others. I look at body language and, having visited two psychotherapists, who sat with folded arms from time to time, I decided they were uncomfortable.

How could an uncomfortable person begin to help me? They need to help themselves first!

Jul 17, 2012
It does get easier
by: Janet

To Alissia and Annoymus, I want to say I am so sorry for your loss. It does get easier but I cannot say it gets better. I am not at 9 months, 15 days and 12 hours since I lost my husband. This is one hell of a roller coaster ride we are on. We all handle grief differently and in our own way and our own time. There is no time limit on this journey and no expiration date either.

I come here often to see what people have written even though I do not comment alot. I would like to share with you a website that I am on alot that has truly be a live saver for me: a)www.sslf.org and www.widowvillage.org. I have made alot of friend there who do get it and understand what we are all going through. so when you are ready I hope you visit these sites. I will be posting more next month when I return from my first Camp Widow West workshop in San Diego, CA.

I am 64 now but when my husband Jim passed I was 63. We were in the process setting up house keeping in Corozal Town, Corozal, Belize C.A. We had planned on retiring there and we were both looking forward to it. I never dreamed that 14 days after joining him there I would loose him. There are no answers so I do not even try to ask the questions that forever remain in the back of my mind.

I have learned in traveling this journey that there are no answers, that we cannot go around grief, cannot go under it or over it but we must go through it. I have learned that life is to short and precious to worry about what might have been or the what if's, or coulda's or shoulda's or even the why's and to concentrate on what is to be. None of us can change what happened but we can move forward. I cannot say moving on or going on because we then loose them and the wonderful memories. Moving forward means we will forever carry their memories and love in our hearts as they are a part of who we are today. They define who we are as a person and will forever be a part of us.

We can incorporate them into who we are today and be the person that they would truly want us to be.
Always remember one breath, on step and one day at a time is all we can do.

Yours in Hope.

Jul 16, 2012
My wife
by: Anonymous

I feel exactly as you do. What I understand is that I was the same way until my wife died. Go to grief counseling, it will provide temporary relief and some tools to cope. The price of love is grief so all lovers will suffer at some time. It has been only three and a half months since my best friend and soulmate passed. No one will replace her. I have to go on for my family but I am ready whenever God calls me up. I am not afraid to go where my sweetheart has gone before me. I only ask that God gives me more time with her. Only an eternity with her would be enough. Nothing can replace the love we had for each other. Please keep going and live your life. You need to finish your journey as your husband did. I believe that is what we must do even with this devastating loss. May God give you the strength to endure. Much Love to you.

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