When the light goes out

by Ian
(wasaga beach,ontario,canada)

My mum passed away June 25 2013,Three weeks ago,My mum had been battling cancer for 6 years,(multiablemyloma),The last 2 weeks she was in a hospice in barrie Ontario,The people in the hospice were great,I couldn't do there job,The last week my mum was on so much morphine we could only understand her by winking at us,There me and my dad by her side,And in the final moments,My mum opened her eyes as to take one last look at me and my dad,I was sitting they holding her hand and my dad was standing next to me rubbing my mums arm,I watched one eye closed and the other had a tear in it and I saw the twinkle go out of her eye and I felt her neck for a pulse and she was gone.The last face she saw was mine,Im 44 and I cant get that pic out of my head,when the light went out of her eye,I have a 22 year old daughter im tryin to get through this and my dad as well,As my brother lives in austraila,I just want to no how to get the last minute of my mums life out of my head,All I see is the twinkle fading out,Ian

Comments for When the light goes out

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Aug 05, 2013
Thank You
by: Ian

I just want to Thank you for your helpful words,And I No by commenting on here that im not alone,Thank You all,

Aug 04, 2013
When the light goes out
by: silver

My father struggled with multiple myeloma for 13 yrs.He had a very good cancer Dr. In addition,he was a scientist and researched his disease and all possible treatments.A lot of people (besides us)don't know that the disease can be very painful.The hallmark of the disease is very breakable bones.I once heard of someone rolling over in bed and broke 3 ribs.My father was on a treatment called Aridia(don't know if the spelling is right).This made his bones strong.Eventually,his adrenal glands quit working.What we know is that the plasma cells form tumors that float in the blood stream and attack bones until they get into the bone marrow and destroy the body's ability to produce white and red blood cells.This destroys the immune system and erodes the other organs.Thankfully my father was able to stay home until the last 2 weeks of his life.He was a man who didn't want anyone to know when he hurt but as a nurse I saw it.The last yr of his life he began to show it.His kidneys began to slow down and his legs and abdomen grew.Unfortunately,I was at work when he died.I totally lost it.I screamed and threw the phone down.Luckily,my boss was aware of the situation and he helped me out as did others.I wish I could have been there for my mom.I understand the point when your mom opened her eyes and looked at you.I was with my husband when he did the same thing just minutes before he died.I will always be glad I was there for that.It was like he was saying good bye.I got to see his beautiful eyes one last time.I think GOD let us have this one beautiful thing to remember.I think GOD let him say "I see you.I'm sorry i'm leaving but I love you."Though this moment makes me cry when I think about it,it is so special to me.GOD give you strength and peace.I'll keep you in my prayers.

Jul 21, 2013
When the light goes out
by: Doreen U.K.

Ian I am sorry for your loss of your mom to cancer. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 14 months ago to cancer, and I was waiting for a miracle and instead saw my husband draw his last breath. I don't have to rehearse what happened. Just like you IT IS JUST THERE. Those haunting memories of the cancer journey and all that sadness that goes with it. It has only been 3 weeks for you so you are going to have that last memory for some time. I can't tell when it will fade away but my memories feel as if they are moving away from me and I am trying to hold onto them so I don't forget. Some memories we don't want to hang around in our mind and other's we want to reclaim and keep.
I still remember clearly that day my husband lay there with no life in his body just as I saw in my mom 10yrs. ago. My son said he had never seen a dead body before. It was so painful touching my husband's body that had become hard and here lay a man I loved and would never breathe again. I often wonder how the human mind can cope with such sorrow and we are meant to accept this as part of life but yet it is a part of life that is so cruel. Then the men came from the funeral home and put my beloved husband in a body bag and just dropped it to the floor with such a thud that rippled through all of us. Even though my husband had no life in him it was still a disrespectful way to treat a body.
My husband wanted to die at home and so I honoured his wish. The room where he died is still cold. I don't think any of us who has lost a loved one will ever get used to those memories we would rather not have.
Can you just imagine how our loved one's felt with their cancer knowing they were going to die. The panic in their eyes and desperately trying to hold onto life for one more chance to hold the faces of their loved one's forever. Then they close their eyes and we are the one's left with the painful memories. The sadness of them never seeing their loved ones again and knowing what becomes of their lives. Our children will go through this pain also. Since the death of my husband I am thinking more about who will look after my daughter. Who will help her pay the bills and what if she run's out of money or loses her job and no one is here to help her?
Your father will be thinking I can't protect my wife anymore? He will want to reach out for her and she is not there. You will wonder what your mom's last thoughts were? what was she feeling? Death robs us of so much more than we think. The only comfort is our loved one's are out of pain and as it were fallen asleep. Another cruelty is having to put our loved one's in the ground. God says Death is but a SLEEP. This thought comforted my husband in his last days of life on this earth.

Jul 21, 2013
I'm touched
by: Julia

I'm touched by you're grief Ian, I wish that did not happen to you. I feel like some people grieve because they are not there when their loved one dies but I can see it might have been better for you to not have seen that. I'm so sorry for your loss and I feel you're pain. Ill be praying for you. You can let go of that image with time.

Jul 21, 2013
For Ian
by: Jo

Hi Ian, I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. I know death even when you know it's coming as in your mom's situation (cancer) is never easy. I lost my mother about seven years ago and my daughter nearly four yr's ago. My advice for you is to try and believe that as hard as it was for you to see your mom pass-she was looking at you because you were her greatest blessing and accomplishment in life. She loved you more than anyone and she wanted you to know that. My situation was not as yours when my own mother passed but it was very difficult.She was in the hospital and she was still very alert and aware of her surroundings and the fact she her time was near. She was in poor health and had been in and out of the hospital several times. She wanted to go and be at peace. The doctor on duty that day in the ER wanted to do some tests and see if they could do something more to prolong my moms life. My mother was on the gurney in one of ER areas and she kept motioning for me to come to her. She had an oxygen mask on and kept pulling it off trying to tell me something. When I finally went to see what she wanted she kept repeating -No more, No more, No more...in a very angry voice. Shortly after my expressing my mothers wishes to the attending doctor (who was a jerk) they moved her to a room. She never really said good-bye to me or anything. The nurses told me they would not hook her up to an iv or anything and she would probably go within 24 hr's. She did go early the next morning with myself and my youngest daughter at her beside. (the same daughter I lost) I kept reliving my mom and those words- no more, no more over and over at first. I then told myself every time they would come to my mind I would think of a very happy memory with my mom. It didn't happen over night but eventually it happened less often. It isn't letting go of such things. Just try to keep close in your thoughts that your mom loved you and she wanted you to know how much you were loved and still are by her. Try to remember as hard as that final moment was, it wasn't the only moment you shared with your mom. Think of the happier times.

God bless you, Vickie p.s. keep reaching out and I pray you will find some peace soon.

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