When will I see you again...my sweet Tony
Where to begin…I lost Tony…the love of my life on 4/11/12. He was my best friend, lover, husband, companion and life partner and meant the WORLD to me for 17 years. We were not married due to financial complications if we did marry. Fortunately, he was not “sick” long before we had to let him go to GOD. I cry for him every day…I miss him so much…he was so kind and generous and honest to a fault, “my sweet man”...very loving! These words do not seem adequate to indicate what a wonderful man he was. He was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on 4/1. Due to the complications of the testing, his poor health, and the spread of the cancer to the liver and lungs…his kidneys failed 1st then his lungs and he went on a respirator…we let him go to GOD…to have peace and no longer sick. I was with him the whole day...I held his hand, rubbed his head and talked to him…I never abandoned him.
I helped to support him for 16 years as he had made bad business decisions and had a heat attack. He got VA disability of $900 since 99 to 2011 and paid $495 to our household for food and incidentals. I covered the rest and he took care of us and the household. We built a house together in 2006; our retirement home. Then in 2011 he got his pension and SS…and gave ½ to support his kids. Over the last 3 years he supplied his kids with cars and money. He paid more to them than he did to our household support; $20k over 3 years!
Then the real bumpy times started….Tony bought a house for his on - welfare daughter (33) and her 4 kids…and moved out in Jan. 12 because he could not afford the house and pay money to “our home” too. He broke my heart. (How does a man on $24K a year get a loan for a $100K house???) His kids have been a constant drain on us…making bad decisions, drugs and not responsible and leaning on dad to bail them out. All he did was enable them…now she has to stand on her own two feet and will probably lose the house… she continues to stay with a sociopathic man who will not work but does drugs and drinks…her choice… and keeps his girlfriend with them…CRAZY. I refused to keep the constant drama and pain in my household. We have a 1400 sq ft home...not huge. We had taken her in our household for 6 months while she was pregnant with the twins, also her 2 older daughters 8 &14. (Father of the twins ran off with another woman, who now also lives with them).
Tony told me he loved me…however he felt it was his duty to provide for his “crazy daughter” even if it meant he had to move out to support them. He started getting symptoms in Feb…losing weight and getting weak. I thought he was just not taking care of himself. I had hoped we could “weather” all the conflict and somehow work this out. We were still getting together and trying to date so to speak. I had hoped he would see how his daughter just used him and manipulated him for what she wanted and let all that go and come back to me. She stole $1200 out of his bank account while he was sick recovering @ my house. That was money for rent. Still he forgave her. I could not save Tony from himself.
I wanted Tony so very much...but I had boundaries too….now he is GONE! I am so very sad and just want him back…
I have been grieving since he moved out in Jan. He did move back in for a few weeks in March cuz he was sick and weak and I wanted him to be comfortable. In the hospital he told me he was sorry and wanted to spend his final days with me. Little did we know it was just going to be a few days. I pray all the time to get through all this. Now what do I do?? It is all so complicated. I have a very loving relationship with the 8 year old…so can not totally cut myself off from the drama. GOD please send your angels to me and help me figure this out.