When will I see you again...my sweet Tony

Where to begin…I lost Tony…the love of my life on 4/11/12. He was my best friend, lover, husband, companion and life partner and meant the WORLD to me for 17 years. We were not married due to financial complications if we did marry. Fortunately, he was not “sick” long before we had to let him go to GOD. I cry for him every day…I miss him so much…he was so kind and generous and honest to a fault, “my sweet man”...very loving! These words do not seem adequate to indicate what a wonderful man he was. He was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on 4/1. Due to the complications of the testing, his poor health, and the spread of the cancer to the liver and lungs…his kidneys failed 1st then his lungs and he went on a respirator…we let him go to GOD…to have peace and no longer sick. I was with him the whole day...I held his hand, rubbed his head and talked to him…I never abandoned him.

I helped to support him for 16 years as he had made bad business decisions and had a heat attack. He got VA disability of $900 since 99 to 2011 and paid $495 to our household for food and incidentals. I covered the rest and he took care of us and the household. We built a house together in 2006; our retirement home. Then in 2011 he got his pension and SS…and gave ½ to support his kids. Over the last 3 years he supplied his kids with cars and money. He paid more to them than he did to our household support; $20k over 3 years!

Then the real bumpy times started….Tony bought a house for his on - welfare daughter (33) and her 4 kids…and moved out in Jan. 12 because he could not afford the house and pay money to “our home” too. He broke my heart. (How does a man on $24K a year get a loan for a $100K house???) His kids have been a constant drain on us…making bad decisions, drugs and not responsible and leaning on dad to bail them out. All he did was enable them…now she has to stand on her own two feet and will probably lose the house… she continues to stay with a sociopathic man who will not work but does drugs and drinks…her choice… and keeps his girlfriend with them…CRAZY. I refused to keep the constant drama and pain in my household. We have a 1400 sq ft home...not huge. We had taken her in our household for 6 months while she was pregnant with the twins, also her 2 older daughters 8 &14. (Father of the twins ran off with another woman, who now also lives with them).

Tony told me he loved me…however he felt it was his duty to provide for his “crazy daughter” even if it meant he had to move out to support them. He started getting symptoms in Feb…losing weight and getting weak. I thought he was just not taking care of himself. I had hoped we could “weather” all the conflict and somehow work this out. We were still getting together and trying to date so to speak. I had hoped he would see how his daughter just used him and manipulated him for what she wanted and let all that go and come back to me. She stole $1200 out of his bank account while he was sick recovering @ my house. That was money for rent. Still he forgave her. I could not save Tony from himself.

I wanted Tony so very much...but I had boundaries too….now he is GONE! I am so very sad and just want him back…

I have been grieving since he moved out in Jan. He did move back in for a few weeks in March cuz he was sick and weak and I wanted him to be comfortable. In the hospital he told me he was sorry and wanted to spend his final days with me. Little did we know it was just going to be a few days. I pray all the time to get through all this. Now what do I do?? It is all so complicated. I have a very loving relationship with the 8 year old…so can not totally cut myself off from the drama. GOD please send your angels to me and help me figure this out.

Comments for When will I see you again...my sweet Tony

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Aug 01, 2012
as time goes on...people do not want to hear your grief
by: carroll

It is now over 3 months since my sweet Tony is gone and I am still very sad. When people ask me how I am doing...I can tell they really do not care to hear that I am still sad. I walk about the house and look @ his pictures and where he sat in the computer room gazing out the window. I miss him like crazy and am not sure how I will get through all this. It has helped to read others posts and to have comments back to me as well. Now his daughter is thinking of moving 500 miles away and taking our 8 yr old granddaughter who I also love dearly. My sister & I also had a falling out and we have not spoken for nearly 8 weeks...she has been indifferent to me for years and when Tony died it was like she only wants to be around if you're needy...what about the years b4? I just can't be around her as it causes me further pain...I do not trust her and just won't be hurt any further. I surrender all to GOD and know he will work this out in his time. It seems things happening are going to cause me to find a new family...pls pray for me...thx..take care all.

Jul 07, 2012
by: Anonymous

I had a sign from Tony that he is still with me. I do not doubt it. Now I just want to know if he is ok. He was a very GOOD MAN. I know we were so lucky to have met in our late 30's & 40's and had 17 years together, I miss him and his hugs and kisses. GOD..pls continue to help me through this most greivous journey...thanks for helping me find this website.

Jul 03, 2012
when will isee you again...my sweet tony
by: shaz

dear anonymous.i feel for you through this horrible,painful time.its hard enough grieving your lost one without going through what you are with the family.my circumstances are similar.i lost my true love,partner,soulmate 4 weeks ago.part of me i feel died with him.he left suddenly,and to make matters worse,we had had a disagreement to the run up of his death,which was never cleared up.i know i was his true love and soulmate too.we were together for 5 years.wonderful years,and im privelidged to have had him for that time.his family took over the funeral arrangements,people that hadnt been much in his life,they all came out of the woodwork and took over.for 5 glorious years i shared his life,and they never acknowledged me on the day of the burial.i was grieving on my own,and disgarded from ever been part of his life.apparently things like this always happen,people want to be centre of attention,though they hardly bother with our loved ones when alive.im trying to stay strong,its hard.but i wont let people walk all over me or get rid of me.i loved him,worshipped him and we had plans for our future.please stay strong,and i encourage others that are going through something similar.no one can take our love away,and no one can take the love away from our loved one.we know the love,and thats all that matters.take good care of yourself

Jun 29, 2012
When will I see you again my sweet Tony
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous,
I am sorry for the loss of your partner Tony. You are having to deal with so many problems around your relationship with Tony the love of your life. If Tony had married you who knows whether you would have had more rights. Because you were his partner of 17yrs. You were known as his common in law wife. (as in U.K.) who does have rights in law. It is a hard place to be. Tony felt responsible for his children. He felt he had a duty of care towards them. There doesn't seem to be boundaries here. Children can become good manipulators and make a father feel guilty. This also may have been the case. Being an enabler becomes part of the dysfunction going on. Your attachment to the 8 year old keeps you in a situation that is unhealthy emotionally and mentally. I hope this doesn't affect your grief. Try and get some professional counselling which will help you cope with how to move forward and grieve this loss.
By staying in this family could cause you an injury. If you are not respected by Tony's children you may have to move away. If you can maintain a relationship with the 8 year and it works then good. It will be a sacrifice. You have to weigh up whether to walk away and give yourself time and space to grieve. Or to stay and live with strife and contention. But you do need some space. Counselling may help you to make that choice. Best wishes.

Jun 27, 2012
more on Tony
by: Anonymous

I see that the kids activity takes away from my grieving for Tony. I pray constantly for GOD to send me his angels to wrap their wings around me and HELP me through all this. I recite the Serenity prayer and try positive coping statments too. I loved Tony dearly and he loved me very much too. He was always honest with me...maybe he did not always tell me everything..but when asked he told it to me true. I will survive this...

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