When will the Guilt Stop

by Steffy
(Phoenix, AZ)

I lost Cody 5 weeks ago and I can still picture him perfectly, Full of life and ready for our future.

We were together for 4 years and married for 9 months. Newly weds and so happy. Cody 21 and I am 20.

We are so young but so in love. I am 9 months pregnant with our first child, and Cody will not be here to meet him.

I feel so guilty, I feel like im the one to blame.

I fell asleep the night he was killed, I fell asleep for 20 minutes and when I got up to check on Cody down stairs he wasnt in the house.

If Only I had made him come to bed if only I had told him to stop drinking alcohol if only I had stayed down stairs with him.

at About 12am Jan 16th 2012 I heard cody playing with his hand gun downstairs, I yelled at him to put it away that i didnt want him shooting himself on accident and to come to bed. Cody said he would put it away and would be in bed soon.
Codys dad sent me a random text that night asking me if Cody was ok? I told him codys fine he is down stairs but he was playing with his handgun and he has been drinking, Codys dad spoke to him told him to put it away and that there was a good movie on Tv.

I yelled at cody from upstairs and asked him to come to bed again- he said there was a movie he liked on tv and was going to watch it them come upstairs.

I then finally fell asleep, Around 1245am I woke up and realized cody was no longer home that he had taken his handgun with him and left.

I called him and drove out to look for him,
by 105am cody was shot and killed by police officers. Cody did not shoot anyone and he didnt point his gun at anyone but he was holding it in his hands so the officers shot him with out giving him a chance.

The guilt consumes me, What if I wouldve stayed with him, if I would have found him sooner.

Cody was shot 3 times, one was a fatal shot and he died within 2 minutes.

I miss him so much, he was so young and was so excited to be a father. I dont know what to do with out him, Im in so much pain, he meant so much to me, He was my bestfriend. the man I married and loved.
Cody was special to me he was so beautiful to me.

I am so sorry baby that I wasnt there to save you I am so sorry that you will not get to miss your son. I miss you more and more each day- the pain is unbearable, I love you Cody

Comments for When will the Guilt Stop

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Feb 24, 2012
Hope
by: Janet

I am sorry for your loss Steffy. Please be reassured that there is not anything that you could have done to have prevented this. What you did was what any normal human being would have done. Do not blame yourself as you could not have prevented it.
Yes this is a long terrible and painful journey that we make down the road of Grief. I do believe within my heart of hearts that we come out a better person for it.
Take time to comfort yourself because you will need to in order to take care of the child. Remember that you have a child to love and care for and give him all the love that you have to give. Raise your child as best you can and give him all the love you have to give. Do not let what happened to Cody, prevent you from moving on with your life. We have no control over fate nor can we prevent it. The best we can do is to move on in our own way. Keep your faith with God and remember that He is always there when you need Him.
Remember to take one breath, one step and one day at a time. May God hold you in the palm of His and and may He guide each of us as we travel this long road.

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