When you stop ignoring the feelings.
by Ashley Friend
25 years after living through a childhood full f mental, verbal, and physical abuse. After taking dad to rehab three times; seeing him puking up bile and almost die in front of you, trying to help save him in every way possible he decides to put himself under a train. Things had gotten bad, he was addicted to pain pills bad and the alcoholism just got worse and worse over time. I would say he was not himself for the past 5 years. He was not the father I knew anymore. Things got bad when he got caught stealing prescription pills from work and got arrested. The doctors kept diagnosing him bi polar but I believe it was PTSD plus the addictions. They put him on Depakote and everything went downhill from there.
He was not the same man anymore. He would call me bribing me into giving him my pain pills and would make me feel so guilty if I didn't help him. I was always raised to be his codependent and please him (which I realized today has carried over into my life in general). I knew he was mentally losing himself as I has just placed myself somewhere for help with my PTSD. I never could understand how I could do such a thing at 23 and all by myself but he at 49 could not? He tried to kill himself multiple times and I was just so fed up with it all everything was taking a toll on me so I decided it was time to move away and start a new life. One month after I moved I got the phonecall at work informing me my dad had ended his own life. Seven months later, and I Am just now facing the feelings. I feel so angry, he lost our house, he lost everything we had due to drugs and alcohol. I have been hiding these feelings inside for so long, masking them with work and my relationship and yesterday something happened. My boyfriend told me he needed space and boom it hit me. I woke up this morning with my dads ashes next to me and pictures everywhere. I have so many feelings I need to face and I feel embarrassed and scared to.
Tonight for the first time I yelled and told my dad how angry I am at him, I said all the things I kept inside for years because I was so scared of him. I realized I can't let my dad control my life anymore, he is no longer here and I am no longer his co-dependent. I realized I can't allow him to have that power anymore. I had to put away all pictures of him, his ashes, and anything else I had of his. All I can see are bad images of him, and I have trouble remembering good times. I feel like I want to burn the letter he left as it talks about how miserable he is and how he lost everything we had and he can not live like this anymore, which I understand in a sense but I feel is so selfish. I also feel like I would have a sense of relief if I didn't have his ashes right now either. Tonight I took everything of his and put it in a box under the bed.
I am not sure how to sort through these feelings and continue to live a normal life..like work and relationships. I have came to the realization that I have to face these problems to truly rewire my brain and be happy. It's so scary though. I feel like a part of my heart is gone that will never be replaced, even though he turned into a horrible person, I know deep down he was a great man and mental illness just took over. I blame myself a lot for this as I left without even saying goodbye to him. I was his crutch, even though I know I shouldn't have been.
I need some guidance. :(