where am I in my grief?

by Wendy Morris
(Scotland)

My mum has been in nursing care for 4 years she was 83 years old but to me age is only a number, she was my mum. Had a bad fall and fractured her pubic bone. She refused to eat or drink and 10 weeks later died quite a painful death...could I have done more?.....could I have pushed her into eating/drinking fluids....did I just stand back and let this happen?. My guilt is all encompassing as I would have died for my mum given the closeness in our relationship. I am lucky that her and I shared some extremely precious moments days before she died and also my sisters and I were with her when she went to sleep on the 6th October 2011....I am in such extreme pain but projecting myself in a way which appears to others to be 'normal'. Am I shutting down from my own emotions in order to protect myself? So many questions but I cant answer them. I am having trouble sleeping as I continue to reflect on the last moments of mums life which were upsetting. I need this to pass in order for me to see glimmers of the sun shining again.