Where am I?

by Kevin Jackson
(Summerville, GA.)

I married my High School sweetheart, Jenny, on February 18, 1989. I was 16, she was 18. Everybody told us we would never make it. We knew better. In September of that same year we had a beautiful baby girl, Blakely. She was red headed and had the temper to match! I was so afraid, but at the same time I new we could somehow make this work. In December 1991 our second baby, Haley, was born. She was sweet and quiet and remains that way to this day. By that time we had been married 2.5 years.

The next few years were hard but we held on and God blessed us with the most close knit family I have ever heard of. Both Jenny and I had given up on our own dreams and focused on our children’s. We worked and played hard and had a great life.

In April 2006, we started construction on our dream home, which was the culmination of 18 years of sacrifice and hard work. One day shortly after construction began, Jenny found a lump in her breast. After many days of tests and anticipatory anxiety we found out Jenny did indeed have breast cancer. We were optimistic though because Jenny was such a strong individual. We were confident she would beat it.

Over the next two years I learned what true courage really was. She never complained. Ever. She would always have a smile for anyone who needed it. I poured my life into taking care of her and trying to beat this disease. Finally on April 18, 2008, Jenny let go and went to heaven from the home I built for her, surrounded by her friends and family. I could never have made this happen without the help of several of our friends.

I thought the storm was over but it had only begun. Now, over 2 years later, I am in the middle of the most profoundly disconcerting time of my life. I am remarried and have had great difficulty with the relationship. I tried to “buy” her love, according to her. I have made very bad decisions about money and relationships since Jenny’s death. I am in a constant daily battle between my old life and my new one. My memories of Jenny’s struggles are as vivid as when they happened. I deal with them on a daily basis. I have a hard time remembering to do daily tasks. I have a hard time TRULY caring what happens to me.

I have contemplated suicide and honestly, if it weren’t for my children (who are 20 and 18) I probably would have followed through by now. My old life was full of hope and unconditional love, the new one is full of acceptance based on performance by everyone , sometimes even seemingly including my children and parents, and despair.

I feel like everybody wants the old me, and so do I, but I’m afraid that person died when Jenny did.
Some days I feel like I don’t even know where I am. I look around the house I built and don’t even recognize it. I am on the verge of bankruptcy and losing this home. I am certain that will mean the loss of my second wife.

Quite honestly, I have worried about it to the point to where I don’t even care anymore. I just plain old don’t know what to do about anything anymore. I am just existing instead of living and can’t handle this anymore. I feel that I am truly on the verge of insanity if I’m not already there to an extent. I have an irreparable wound that it seems there is no hope of healing.

Comments for Where am I?

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Aug 07, 2010
Its all so tough!!
by: Jenny

Dear Kevin,
Your story sounds full of despair and torment.
So sorry to hear that you hurt like you do.
I lost my husband Richard Dec 2008 to Malignant melanoma. He was 41 and i was 38.

It is taking a lot of time to get through what i can of the awfullness and emptiness we now have in our lives. I agree in that you may not have taken time to grieve for your wife fully and for this you are suffering in your heart.

I hope time is a healer for you and that you may find the contentment in your life you really deserve so much..

Take it slowly,


Jun 18, 2010
Where am I?
by: Mari

I am so sorry for all you are going through.It is very hard to lose someone you love. You need time. Place your faith in God and ask him to help you. It helps me.

I am thinking that you may not have gone through all the grieving stages with the loss of your first wife. And it may be that your new wife feels she is living in the shadow of someone else.

I would lavish her with love, not things, and see if you can get some counseling from a pastor. I say a pastor because they can give you spiritual guidance.

Please do not give up. Find someone to talk to and to pour out your heart to. I think that is what may be needed. You may feel alone but you aren't. There are wonderful people on this board ready to listen. I would keep posting and express what you feel. I have never seen such a wonderful board where you can say what you feel and people care. Take care and God bless you.

Jun 17, 2010
I am so sorry about your difficult time
by: Sharon

I am so moved by your story, and am so sorry that you have had and continue to have such a difficult time with the loss of your wonderful wife. Seeing anyone you love struggle with illness is the most hardest thing to endure!!!

Since the death of both my parents within 5 months of each other, which was 3 years ago, I am STILL having non-functional days. I NOW realize that before I either lose my mind or lose my life, I HAVE to go to grief counseling because it is not getting ANY EASIER. Please seriously consider the same.

You ARE the same wonderful person you have always been, just severely altered and rightfully so!!!! You have endured a 'tremendous' loss and everyday regardless of how much time has gone by, that loss is still present - I FULLY UNDERSTAND!! Try to find happiness in what you 'do' have because, just like me, you are affecting the blessed things that you are fortunate to still have.

It is extremely difficult to see that now, I know this all too well. You have helped me see myself sir, and for 'THAT' I was compelled to write you and tell you so..... my heart goes out to you and I feel for you in a most tremendous way. I wish you the best that you deserve and I do hope you will do something to help yourself get through your pain and suffering.

Jun 17, 2010
Loss of Wife
by: Brenda Mack

I am so sorry that you are going through this now after losing your beloved wife to cancer. I lost my son on May 21, 2010. He was 27 years old. He has a sister that is 12 1/2 years older than him and she is not handling her brothers' death well at all. It is starting to affect her marriage and her job. Yesterday she when to a grief therapist and she said it helped. That is something you might think about.

I guess the only reason I have not had to do that is because I had lost a child when I was 21 and went to a therapist then. I am using what I learned then to help me get through the loss of my beautiful son.

May God give you the strength to get through this time in your life.

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