Where am I?
by Kevin Jackson
I married my High School sweetheart, Jenny, on February 18, 1989. I was 16, she was 18. Everybody told us we would never make it. We knew better. In September of that same year we had a beautiful baby girl, Blakely. She was red headed and had the temper to match! I was so afraid, but at the same time I new we could somehow make this work. In December 1991 our second baby, Haley, was born. She was sweet and quiet and remains that way to this day. By that time we had been married 2.5 years.
The next few years were hard but we held on and God blessed us with the most close knit family I have ever heard of. Both Jenny and I had given up on our own dreams and focused on our children’s. We worked and played hard and had a great life.
In April 2006, we started construction on our dream home, which was the culmination of 18 years of sacrifice and hard work. One day shortly after construction began, Jenny found a lump in her breast. After many days of tests and anticipatory anxiety we found out Jenny did indeed have breast cancer. We were optimistic though because Jenny was such a strong individual. We were confident she would beat it.
Over the next two years I learned what true courage really was. She never complained. Ever. She would always have a smile for anyone who needed it. I poured my life into taking care of her and trying to beat this disease. Finally on April 18, 2008, Jenny let go and went to heaven from the home I built for her, surrounded by her friends and family. I could never have made this happen without the help of several of our friends.
I thought the storm was over but it had only begun. Now, over 2 years later, I am in the middle of the most profoundly disconcerting time of my life. I am remarried and have had great difficulty with the relationship. I tried to “buy” her love, according to her. I have made very bad decisions about money and relationships since Jenny’s death. I am in a constant daily battle between my old life and my new one. My memories of Jenny’s struggles are as vivid as when they happened. I deal with them on a daily basis. I have a hard time remembering to do daily tasks. I have a hard time TRULY caring what happens to me.
I have contemplated suicide and honestly, if it weren’t for my children (who are 20 and 18) I probably would have followed through by now. My old life was full of hope and unconditional love, the new one is full of acceptance based on performance by everyone , sometimes even seemingly including my children and parents, and despair.
I feel like everybody wants the old me, and so do I, but I’m afraid that person died when Jenny did.
Some days I feel like I don’t even know where I am. I look around the house I built and don’t even recognize it. I am on the verge of bankruptcy and losing this home. I am certain that will mean the loss of my second wife.
Quite honestly, I have worried about it to the point to where I don’t even care anymore. I just plain old don’t know what to do about anything anymore. I am just existing instead of living and can’t handle this anymore. I feel that I am truly on the verge of insanity if I’m not already there to an extent. I have an irreparable wound that it seems there is no hope of healing.